wondering

Have any of you ever been so hot you got goose bumps? Just wondering. I got up early this morning. I'm talking 5:30 or so, and got back from my walk/jog before 6. Even so, I was boiling on the "cool-down" phase of my exercise, and was surprised to see my arms were goose-bumpy. Mr. said that's no good; a sign of heat exhaustion or something. (I shouldn't have told him—he already says exercise is bad for you!) All I know is, I drank 3 glasses of water and 1 glass of orange juice in less than a half an hour once I got home.

Why am I trying so hard at this? I don't know. It has something to do with turning 40 on my next birthday, wondering where the past 10 years have gone, seeing doors close simply because I'm getting too old for them.

Two nights ago we were flipping through channels, when I said, "Oh my gosh! Go back—I know that person!" And sure enough, Mr. returned to the previous channel, and there was a girl I had known in college, acting in a TV show. It was SO weird to see her; of course she looked just like she did in school 20 years ago. (Gulp. TWENTY?! Is that even possible??)

We were in the same class, and were actually pretty good friends our freshman year. We both loved drama, although she made it clear that someday she was going to make it big. And none of us really doubted it.

She made some pretty bad choices and left school after just two years. Gradually I lost track of her. And now I find her on TV! I guess she has accomplished her dream, or is close to it, anyway. (It was a small supporting role, but hey—she had lines!)

I wondered what it had cost her to get as far as she had. I wondered if it was all she had expected it would be. I wondered what she would think of me and the path my life has taken. I wondered a lot of things.

All of us sacrifice things in pursuit of other things, which we deem more worthy or valuable. It is simply logic to see that when we choose one path, we turn our backs on countless other paths. For me, my choices have resulted in the loss of some dreams. Seeing her on the brink of realizing her dream made me wonder what she had given up to make that dream come true. There's always a trade-off. I hope hers has not been too costly.

Although it has been hard, I am grateful for the path I have been given. I am grateful for the deepening of my spiritual walk and this relentless pursuit of God I have been driven to as everything else has let me down (myself being the chief culprit!) But still, there are moments—brief flashes—of doubt, of “what if….”

And it's those insecurities that make me want to spiritualize my journey, or at least justify it. There's that smug urge inside of me to quote the "gain the whole world but lose his own soul" verse. But I don't think that's the right attitude.

I guess I should just pray that God is working to bring her closer to Himself through her journey, just as He is doing for me. I can't take credit for that. I should be more grateful than I am.