existence

What we tell ourselves about why we exist is extremely important. I have always preferred the Christian view to human existence over that of those who reject the idea of God. (And I think enough life has passed that this opinion isn't just because it's what I was raised with.)

Think about it. I believe I was created—crafted individually, uniquely, carefully. I came about on purpose, not by chance, with a specific destiny that is all my own, planned before I even drew one breath. Every minute of my life has meaning, none of it is random, and there is order and sense to it. There is a part of me that is eternal, in the image of the One who created me, and someday I will realize the fullness of who I am when my soul finally breaks free from this cage of flesh.

This viewpoint gives me such solid place to stand as I move through this experience we call life. I need not grope blindly to find purpose or significance, nor do I live with the despair that all is meaningless and that it will end in nothingness. I mean, I still get discouraged and have times of doubt and lostness. Sometimes it's hard just to get up and keep going day after day. But the beauty and dignity of being human is a core belief that continually breaks through my inner struggles. I can't imagine how much harder it is for people who do not have this foundation to stand on.

However, I am coming to realize that I need to refine further my understanding of why I exist. For so long I understood that I was placed here to do specific tasks, to accomplish certain things. From a small child I had been taught that I exist to "accomplish God's purposes on the Earth."

Through the years I also heard another creed, that we were created to "glorify God and enjoy Him forever." Somehow in my mind, "glorify" still meant to DO things that would bring Him honor or praise. It was all about performance.

But just last week I was reading a book, and the author sort of turned that idea inside out. They basically said that God had created us for Himself, for relationship with Him. The idea struck me. I hardly dared believe it. It almost seems too good to be true. He values me not for what I can do for Him, but simply because He wants to enjoy knowing me.

I have been moving toward this conclusion, this realization, for quite a while. Slowly, gradually, haltingly. Sometimes taking two steps forward, and then one backward. My drive to achieve is so deeply ingrained. The expectations of others press, suffocating, from the outside. My own expectations and guilt seize my heart inside.

And yet a fragile hope flutters: dare I embrace this as truth? Make it my reality?

But still I doubt. I see a strange paradox in the US church: and I am a child of this religious entity. On one hand, we tend to be very selfish and inward focused about our faith. It's all about me, about my needs, about helping me feel good. We have trouble shaking ourselves free of introspection to see the needs of others so near us. But on the other hand, our religion is so much about performance: looking right, acting right, being at every service, serving on multiple committees. We keep ourselves so busy with the business of doing church, we have little time for others, or worse—for God.

And I guess that's where I need to start to solve this conundrum. God. Because in actuality, it isn't all about me. It's all about Him. What He wants and needs. And right now I am hearing that He wants ME. He wants to enjoy relationship with me as I get to know Him in a real and deep way.

As for service, I'm still a little unsure. But I think that as I get to know His heart, and bring mine into rhythm with His, I will understand better how to love those around me. God knows (and I mean that literally) how hard I have tried to love others in my own way and my own strength and failed miserably.

This seems to me like a completely new approach to life, as my understanding of who I am and why I exist shifts from doing to being, from me-centered to Him-centered. It is a strange new world, and I have only just begun the journey.

One personal note: the day started out SO beautifully. Quietly. Peacefully. After the noise of last night we lingered long in bed. Mr. and I and the kitty. She was unusually cuddly, and slept curled against my legs. After awhile she stood and stretched, and I thought the coziness was over. But she looked me full in the face, climbed purposefully onto my stomach, stretched herself across my chest, put her head down on her paws, and with a sigh, went back to sleep. Joy, joy, joy. While everyone dear to me slept, I read my Bible and spent some time with God. Perfect joy.