shredded

So, two things got shredded today: my self-confidence and a roll of toilet paper. One by a cat, and one by an infant.

The day started with babysitting. No, actually the day started with an early rise and a jog/brisk walk by the riverside. Good. Then fruit and yoghurt for breakfast. Also good. THEN babysitting. Not so good.

Oh, it wasn't as disastrous as all that. I successfully kept a two-year-old potty-trainee from peeing anywhere but in the potty for over two hours. We had a good time, laughing and playing. But his little brother gave me much more trouble. It was about time for his nap when he got very grumpy. I started the bedding-down process, but he fussed and struggled the whole time. It was a battle to the end, but I finally got him down. Whew. Victory.

EXCEPT he woke up less than an hour later. Determined that he must sleep more, I patted and stroked him in his little bed. Gave him his pacifier. Jostled and rocked. But the harder I tried the harder he fought. It became a battle of wills. I started taking it personally. He wasn't just fighting sleep, he was fighting ME. When I finally gave up, he was angry and screaming, and I was very frustrated.

I left his house certain of two things. One, that I pretty definitely could not do that full-time. Which makes me feel like a failure as a woman. And two, that cats seems to make a lot more sense than babies. When they're hungry they eat, when they're tired they sleep; when they want you they come to you and when they don't they go away. Simple.

Unless, of course, said cat decides she is being ignored and shreds a roll of toilet paper in protest.

I knew as soon as Mr. met me at the door saying, "YOUR cat left you a gift in the bathroom." You should have seen it. Like the whole room had been hit by a blizzard. Naughty little furry thing.

I swept everything up, then distracted myself with a computer game for a while. After lunch I went back to something I actually feel competent doing: graphic design. I made final touches on last week's logos because I meet with the client tomorrow. Then I spent a few hours researching stock photography on the internet.

So where does that leave my pursuit of God? I didn't do very well at it today, I'm afraid. I skipped devotions, and just felt defeated after my babysitting. The cat seemed to know she was in the proverbial dog house, and sought me out a few times, curling up on my lap or chest, cuddling. This gave me some thinking and praying time as I sat still holding her. God and I talked. I was mostly disturbed to discover my solution to difficulties is still to get mad. I thought I had grown out of that. He reminded me that very few things are solved that simply or completely. He also asked why I don't just sit still and quietly with Him, like I was doing with the cat. I am always reading or researching or journaling during our times together. I told Him it felt awkward to just sit "with" Him and do nothing. We decided I'd try it tomorrow over my cup of coffee when I spend my half day with Him. Just sipping and sitting quietly with Him.

We'll see how it goes. I must say, my afternoon with Him can't come soon enough.