doing

Mr. likes to remind me sometimes that we are human beings, NOT human doings. Sadly, I need this reminder because I get so tense about accomplishing things. It is hard for me to just stop and "be", without feeling a sense of guilt.

I don't know exactly where this comes from. Probably partly from my family background, and partly from my Christian heritage. We have unconsciously woven a fierce drive to "do" into our Protestant work ethic. I can't relax and watch a bit of TV without "number my days aright" and "making the most of every opportunity" rumbling through my head. It's like I have this moral obligation to be productive.

And yet I'm mellowing in my old age, believe it or not. I know this younger person who reminds me of myself 10 years ago. Driven to change the world and fully expecting to do so. They live with so much self-imposed stress, to the detriment of themselves and those around them, in their determination to achieve.

I have tried to share my viewpoint from a few years farther down the road. Looking back I see things so differently, and I try to share that perspective with them. I am met by blank stares.

It is hard to accept that there are some things that people just have to learn for themselves. It's so frustrating to watch them repeat mistakes which I would gladly help them avoid. What is the point, if I can't pass on what I'm learning??

I guess the point is that I actually am learning. Today I spent the whole afternoon visiting another friend. I was BEING with her, just hanging out. I have nothing really tangible to show for those hours. And yet I believe it was probably the most important thing I did all day. I saw it in her eyes and heard it in her words. I felt it in my heart.

And yet as I sit typing this blog, I feel twinges of guilt that I did not do more with my day. But I am determined to bludgeon that guilt every time it raises its ugly head, like that "whack-a-mole" game at carnivals. Because I know I made the right choice. In fact, I am pretty sure it's what Jesus would have chosen to do with His afternoon.

And that makes me smile. :-)