Stuff

Well, I didn't get out of the house much today. Went out for a jog, for breakfast and to get groceries in the open-air market. Then home to hit the design project. I am nearing the end; I should have it all finished and ready for the printer tomorrow. Just one day past my goal. Not bad.

Since I didn't really go out, all I took photos of today was the cat. So, that's what you're going to get. She's cute and funny and a real whiny butt. She will sleep for hours, and then wake up ready to play. She yowls and yowls until you play with her. NO cuddling or petting will satisfy. And when she plays, she gets vicious. Claws and teeth going like mad.

I have a string with a small ball on it, which she likes to chase as I dangle it. I was standing swinging that toy around today, and all of a sudden she leaped up and hung by her claws on my upper thigh. My thin, though comfy, loungey pants provided little protection, and I jumped and let out a yelp. I don't know who was more startled at that moment. Probably me, because the cat did the exact same thing a few hours later. At least I was a little more prepared for it the second time.

I suppose I should get out of the house more, since my purpose in being here is to interact with other people. But both the Mr. and I are so content doing quiet, solitary pursuits. We could hole up and become hermits quite happily. I think we're in the wrong line of work.

Trying

I'm trying to keep a good perspective. I'm trying to keep my priorities right. I'm trying not to worry. I'm trying to fulfill responsibilities and not disappoint anyone. I'm trying to stay balanced and calm. I'm trying not to focus on the things that don't really matter. I'm trying to stay positive.

And sometimes I get really tired of trying. But what other choice is there?

I need wisdom to say no to the opportunities I shouldn't take, the things that are just distractions and not really my calling or purpose. I need wisdom to understand just what it is that I was created for. I need wisdom to know how to order my time and my days in order to be and do that which God intended.

I feel really short on wisdom.

Malaise

I have been having trouble focusing and keeping to task today. Not that I didn't accomplish much. I did a lot, just not a lot of the things I had planned for today.

I jogged, cleaned, played with the cat, sent e-mails, made chicken broth, etc. Went to the airport to meet the Mr. He was only away for 2 days, but it's great to see him. The airport was full of neat things to photograph. No problem finding a shot today.

The cat was not nearly as excited to see Mr. , though. She has slept most of the day. She and I seem to share the same lack of motivation. But we're soon ready for bed, too, so I am going to keep this short.

Visited old acquaintances who I knew before we left. One lady has been "very sick" and doesn't speak much, doesn't remember many people. They said when she saw me, she was excited and "remembered" me. Too bad. 

The kitty has been sleeping on and beside me all morning, and then again all afternoon. She's on my feet right now, sleeping away. She's on my feet now, dreaming about chasing something.

Well, I just nodded off and about dropped the lap top and scared the kitten. Time to sign off.

unusual

Things I saw today:
• the sun peeking out briefly as it crested the horizon and promptly disappeared behind the layer of clouds that covered the sky

• a mahout (elephant driver) tying his elephant's shoe

• children feeding the elephant bunches of bananas

• a dog and a monkey fighting—and the monkey was winning

And that was all before 7:00 this morning.

Other significant events in today:
• I reached my half-way goal in jogging today. Now I get to start back.

• I had a pedicure in which they wrapped my feet in hot paraffin.

• I learned how to transfer laser jet prints onto various substances.

Good day. Time for bed.

Trips

Wow, am I tired. Again. I should stop posting last thing before bed.

I went out early this morning looking for photos and promptly twisted something. Most of the sidewalks are made of paving stones. It isn't unusual for one or two to be missing, so you have to watch your step. Of course, my eyes were looking up and all around for good shots, and I stepped right into a hole where a paving tile should have been. I don't think I hurt anything badly, although my leg has felt a little tender most of the day. We will see tomorrow when I go out running.

In spite of that, beauty was all around today. It wasn't hard to get shots. There's something special about early morning light.

My Mr. flew off to another nearby country today. He went with a man we've known a really long time. Hopefully it will be encouraging for both of them. I miss him, but I'm glad he has this chance to hang with another guy for a while, who understands where he's coming from.

I'm not alone, though. My kitty is here sleeping on my stomach as I type. Yes, it's a little awkward balancing my lap top and stretching my arms over her to reach the keyboard, but it's worth it. I'll stay here as long as she does. :-)

a Stirring

It was hot today. Hot. I was on the move a lot, walking from place to place to get some errands done, sweating in the humidity. I got to a corner and had to stop a bit to wait for traffic to thin before I could cross the street.

And just then I felt it. A breeze. I hadn't noticed it before, in my rushing here and there.

As I stood and enjoyed the slight stirring of air, catching my breath, I started thinking. God is also all around me, like air. His Spirit is always moving. But a lot of times, I'm not aware of it. I'm so busy running, accomplishing, pushing ahead. And I wonder where God is, why He is so absent. When the problem is really mine. All I need to do is make time to pause and become aware of Him.

He is even more refreshing than the breeze today. And that felt pretty wonderful.

beauty and ugly

I have not been doing well getting good photos these last two days. This is probably due to two reasons: 1) I am actually trying to accomplish goals and meet a deadline, which makes it hard to take time to go out looking for a shot. 2) I am working on a design project, so I am interacting visually and creating beauty as I go, so some of my need for beauty is being met through that process.

In any case, I have a photo from inside our apartment once again.

It was a good day overall, anyway. I jogged early and got groceries on the way home. Showered, went out to breakfast with Mr., came back and loved on the cat. Did two loads of laundry, worked on my project a while and made soup for lunch. A little more time with the cat, a bit of housecleaning, and more design work. ANOTHER shower, and out for supper with old friends.

Anyone who knew me before we moved here would be absolutely appalled at the way I look when I walk out of the house sometimes. I don't even try to deal with my appearance when I go out to exercise, and come back soaked through with sweat. To make matters worse, I am sporting a boil on my cheek.

That's right, a boil. I know some might think only dirty people get boils. I bathe a LOT, but we live in a very dirty place. I had never had a boil until I moved here. Luckily this one is not nearly as painful as some others I've had, but it looks like I have put my halloween costume on a bit early this year. All I need is a long, crooked nose… oh, wait. I have one of those, too. :-(

And the worst thing is I don't really care. My husband loves me, and I don't really care what anyone else thinks.

And just in case you're wondering, the proper way to treat a boil is warm compresses. Never, NEVER pick a boil.

Now off to do a tequila shot with the Mr.

Creating

Things I didn't do today:
1. Get up and jog
2. Go outside looking for a photo
3. Take a nap

Things I did today:
1. Made a new crock pot recipe
2. Had friends over
3. Made good progress on a design project

Even though I didn't have my camera with me, on one trip out of the house today I did notice beauty. Brilliant blue sky, luscious tropical green trees, and monks in bright orange robes. Beautiful combo. Funny, it's such an every-day occurrence here, it's easy to miss. I will capture it at some point and put it on this blog.

I woke up on and off in the night, and ended up sleeping past 7:30. By then it's almost too hot to exercise. In any case, I didn't have much time for extra-curricular activities today. I needed to get serious about a design project that should have been done 3 weeks ago. I made some real headway, though, so I feel good about that. Energized. Creating engages my whole being in a way that nothing else does. Making something beautiful, something orderly, something surprising. It revitalizes my soul in a way nothing else does.

Now it's almost 11 pm. Getting sleepy finally, but not like last night, when I went to bed before 9! My Mr. has come down with a cold, so he has been in bed over an hour now. He napped a lot during the day, too. Seems like he and the cat were on the same sleep schedule. Now they have both abandoned me again, snoozing away as I sit here typing. I think I'll go join them.

Tired

Whew. Operating on very little sleep here. Jet lag kept waking me up last night; I finally gave in and got up at 3:30. Total, about 4 hours of sleep. Kept quite busy all day, and I'm wiped out. So, I'm going to bed just as soon as I finish this…

…which is right now!

Ambitious

Well I'm again exhausted tonight. But it's a different kind of tired. I totally kicked it today. Up by 5, I had a good time of Bible study, made a plan of action, and accomplished a LOT. Not a lot of time spent looking for a photo, so this one is just OK.

I did some ambitious sorting and throwing away, went to the local (open air) market, I made pork stock for soup, and sewed some lamp shades. Oh yeah, and I created a corner for the kitty.

That was the real motivation behind my flurry of activity: today was the day to get my cat! She's small and orange, and I'm sure there will be plenty of photos of her on this blog, but for now I'm letting her explore and feel comfortable. 

And I'm again falling asleep over my keys.

Hitting the wall

Wow. I'm hitting the jet-lag wall tonight. I was nodding off just trying to pick the photo for the post. However, it is almost 11 pm, so I have stayed awake quite a long time for just my second night in country.

I have showered twice a day in my first two days here. It is SO hot and sweaty. Not to mention that I had evening engagements both nights, and my hair was absolutely awful by mid-afternoon. The humidity is brutal on my fine, thin hair. I had to try to freshen things up.

Still unpacking, trying to get settled in. I met the kitten that is to be mine for the first time today. I hope to have her living with us by the end of this weekend. I also hope I can provide a good, stable home for her, in spite of all our wandering ways. That one has me a little concerned.

Spent a little time with our coworkers today. I think it went well. I hope we figure out how to be more encouraging for each other.

OK. I'm not even sure if I'm making a whole lot of sense. It just seems like random thoughts strung together, so I'm going to end this one.

Familiarity

Well, we're back. In this land where we're different, we're outsiders, we're foreign.

And yet so many things feel soothingly familiar. The heat & humidity. The strange dishes that have somehow become comfort food. The faces that look so unlike ours. The cacophony of street and people noise. Even the stink and the mud slopping into my flip flops.

I feel some snatches of home here, and it surprises me. We couldn't wait to get away from this place six months ago. We struggled with coming back. And yet today I felt the comfort of familiarity like a welcoming embrace.

I know I can make a home anywhere. But I am surprised to find it waiting for me here.

Flying

When you fly half-way around the world, time does funny things. From the US to our SE Asian destination, we lost half a day. When time behaves that way, it makes it very hard to do a daily photo blog. It is also more challenging due to the fact that you only see the insides of airports and airplanes for over 36 hours, get little sleep, and have little to no chance to get on the internet.

However, I got some nice shots during our trip. Not always "beauty" exactly, but visually interesting, anyway. I actually had a little trouble choosing which ones to use, but that could be due partly to the jet lag.

We watched a movie on one of the legs of our journey. It was "The Beaver" with Mel Gibson. Pretty good, a little disturbing. Mel does crazy well. He is truly seeking, I believe.

It was a movie mostly dealing with the pain in life, and how we cope with it. The message was uplifting and touching, without being too sappy or contrived. What made me sad, however, was that there was no God at all in the story.

When you're talking about people looking for answers, it seems unfortunate that The Answer is never considered. Not only did He write the story, He is the main character. He is the Eternal Reality that holds this temporary world together. Any story that leaves Him out is woefully incomplete. It's like writing about the sunrise, while denying the existence of the sun. "For in Him we live, move, and have our being."

And yet a huge percentage of people today leave Him out of their lives completely. Even we who claim to follow Him mostly reserve Him for Sundays and for when we're in a jam. And we wonder why we can't make sense of life.

But I will be the first one to admit that "Christian" movies and stories are on a whole, so hokey as to be embarrassing. With a few exceptions, movies that present God as the answer come off cheesy and out of touch.

I wonder how one would write a story that was gripping and gritty with God at the center. I mean, the truth is, it's happening all around us every day. But most of us see ourselves as the center of our own dramas, remaining blind the greater story in which we each play a tiny part.

Peace

Whew. We are all packed. It is 9:30 pm, and we're done. I want to chill, watch tv, veg. However, we have to be up by 2:30 to leave by 3:30 to be at the airport by 4:00 to catch a 6 am plane.

Today went pretty well. A few moments of tension, mostly my fault. When will I learn to just let go? I push so hard.

I want to be a peaceful person, I want to be calm and steady. After I wrote my blog a few days ago about daydreaming, a verse came to mind:

"You will keep him in perfect peace him whose mind is steadfast, because he trusts in you." 

The KJV says "whose mind is stayed on thee". I know that's the key. Focus. Don't let your mind stray, don't get distracted. Make Him the center of your attention. Then I will respond to any situation with grace and confidence.

I sneaked away from packing ever so briefly today to grab some photos. Would you know it, in just 10 minutes or so I had some great shots! I actually had a little trouble choosing which one to use tonight.

OK. Enough for tonight. I seriously need to get some sleep. Can't believe the morning starts so early tomorrow. Ugh.

Sunday

Sunday. I jogged before church, and made it a whole mile. That, at risk of sounding like a pun, is a real milestone!

Church. Lots of good-byes. Chinese for lunch, then a nap.

Up, finished writing the final thank-you notes that needed to be done. I think I wrote over 60 cards this past week. Which, I guess, means we have an awful lot to be thankful for.

My Mr. seems to be doing better today, although I let him see how concerned I was for him yesterday, so he might be putting on a good face for me. 

We still haven't thrown anything into suitcases, and tomorrow is our last day. So, we can't put it off any longer. Tomorrow is going to be a big day. I hope we get through it with minimum stress. Just one step at a time. Just keep moving. Just breathe.

We'll be OK.

Anonymous

I don't really get blogging. It's like writing in a diary, and yet leaving it open for anyone to read.

Today was average, early breakfast meeting, no jogging, lots of college football. Time spent with family, not much time spent packing.

My heart is heavy because my Mr. is struggling. Two days left before we go back and he is not looking forward to it. I see it weighing him down, and am unable to say or do anything to help. But that's about as transparent as I dare to be… he thinks I've already said too much.

You are never really anonymous.

A Bit of Earth

Well, it rained again today. I had to look creatively to find something to photograph in all this wet gray yuck. I zoomed in on water droplets on signs and wrought iron, and took at least 40 photos trying to capture rain drops in a puddle. None of those came out, and I got a little soaked in the process. Then, I stumbled across a flower garden bursting with color, a little ray of sunshine on a cloudy day. Beautiful.

I did get a jog in between the rain showers today. Passed a fellow jogger who nodded in a friendly, understanding way. I finished my almost-but-not-quite-a-mile jog, and ducked back into the house to grab the camera. Then I meandered back down the road snapping photos and catching my breath. I had been at it a while when the same guy came jogging past again. Show off.

All in all, a good day. My mind was firmly focused in the present. I was productive; sorting, packing, writing thank-you notes. We went shopping, picking up things we need to take with us. We still aren't working with the diligence that would indicate we fly half-way around the world on Tuesday, but we made progress. 

And I'm tired. Whether it's from my physical exercise, the myriad decisions I made about what stays and what goes with us, or my efforts to keep my mind in check, I don't know. But I am tired. I keep dozing off while I'm typing. But I am satisfied with the day.

Post-post

Well, I'm back again. Everyone else is in bed. I'm watching a football game I don't really care about, buzzed on all the caffeine in my chocolate dessert.

I need to state, for the record, that my daydreaming embarrasses me. It is a real struggle in my mind. It's a survival technique I have employed from way back. As such, it comes attached with a lot of guilt.

But it has never kept me from fulfilling responsibilities. It doesn't cut me off from meaningful relationships with others. Why is it a problem?

Well, I know sometimes it takes my mind places it shouldn't go. That's bad, for sure. I suspect that it could make me less content with my actual circumstance. And, really, doesn't it just seem wrong to sort of say, "Sorry, God. I prefer the stories I make up to the reality You give me."

And yet, how different is it from watching a movie, reading a book, playing a video game, or one of the myriad of other ways that people escape? Isn't that the point of a hobby? Taking your mind off of the rest of life?

Why does daydreaming seem like something to be ashamed of? I mean, no one lists "daydreaming" as a hobby.

I know that strengths can become vices, and vice versa. The ability to make and tell stories is an incredibly beautiful gift. It can change lives and improve the world. I suspect I might have some good books tucked away in my imagination. I just need to learn to harness this tendency and use it positively.

But I sure get tired of the wrestling matches that go on in my mind, as I work to take my thoughts captive and honor God with my choices.

Transition

It rained today again. BUT, I did go jogging. Yay for me! We drove it later, and I'm up to 1.25 km. Not quite half of my goal, but I'm coming along. 

We made a little progress today getting ready to go. List, shopping, appointments. But we're both struggling with this leaving. I'm having trouble reigning in my mind. I laid in bed for an hour this morning, daydreaming. My Mr. seems to be withdrawing. Passing up people and experiences I know he would enjoy. The bad thing is, we're both avoiding.

But we're both indulging! Had a BIG burger today for lunch, with lots of fries. Then his parents took us out to a seafood place for supper. Not that fish is heavy, and white wine can be good for you. But there was definitely nothing redeeming about that death-by-chocolate dessert I had.

I will definitely be jogging tomorrow.

I was hoping we could move into this transition smoothly. How, how, how to handle these times better? How do I encourage him? Breathe. Focus. Keep the right perspective. Trust. Hopefully we will get through this with some grace.

Clouds

Today dawned gray and gloomy. It was misty and raining on and off all day, so no jogging for me today. Any excuse will do, really.

We talked with a consultant to plan our will this morning. Weird, trying to plan an unseeable future. Rather sobering, thinking about our own mortality. The gray skies mirrored our mood.

After lunch we went to visit my brother-in-law in the hospital. Although he was rather uncomfortable, he seems to be doing well. Good news. Hope we were encouraging.

Back home I wrote more thank-you notes. We still haven't made our list of things to be done before we leave. We're still avoiding the topic. Time is flying away.

Inspired by the cooler weather, my Mr. suggested we walk to the post office. I agreed, eagerly. Very nice walk. He helped me look for things to photograph, and snapped a few shots himself. I found it more challenging because of the overcast conditions and our suburban surroundings. Nature speaks beauty to my soul most eloquently. I will need to work even harder to see beauty in our SE Asian city. 

For supper, Mr.'s aunt joined us for one last visit. Turkey, stuffing, asparagus. Delicious. She brought carrot cake for dessert. It was SO good. My piece was gone before anyone else had finished theirs. After waiting politely to see if anyone would have a second helping, I went ahead and helped myself. Before I knew it everyone had another piece on their plate and was happily munching away. Good moment.

After cleaning up, his aunt and mom sat and talked a long while about people I don't really know. But I sat and listened anyway. Every now and then I picked up a tidbit about Mr. or other members of the family. There is a warmth and security to hearing elders speak of the past and remember people long dead. I hope I'm remembered when I'm gone.

Ended the day talking to my sister. Long, comfortable talk. A good gift. All in all, not bad for a cold, wet day with no sun.

Transition

Jogged. 

(yuck, but a sense of accomplishment)

Blew time on Facebook. 

(guilt)

Wrote thank-you notes. 

(so many to go; yikes!)

Hours in a hospital waiting room. 

(brother-in-law had surgery; turned out well; comfortable place, good lunch)

Supper with my Mr.'s old high school friends, wives. 

(longing for happier, simpler days)

It was a pretty good day, although I'm a little alarmed at how relaxed we are about time going by. I think we're a little bit in denial about how much there is yet to do. We leave in less than one week now. We agreed that tomorrow we will make a list of things that still need done. One more evening in denial.

I'm feeling sad about all the good-byes to be said. Not wanting to leave this place that is so comfortable and familiar. And yet, I am not hating the idea of going back as much as I thought I would.

Transition. It's always difficult. I'm tired of feeling temporary. God, give us wisdom and perspective.

Buzzing

Today was a very average day. It is so nice not to be traveling, to just be still. It will only last for a week, but I'll take it.

After six months on the road, living out of suitcases, we started unloading our car today. It reminded me of that circus act where twenty-some clowns all pile out of a small car. Where did we get all this stuff?

We have just one week before we leave for another term in SE Asia. I think we both feel a little overwhelmed as we think of all that needs to be done. Things to get rid of, more things to buy. Correspondence to send, reports to prepare. People to see. Good-byes to be said.

My Mr. dealt with things by taking a nap. I got some thank-you cards written, and wandered my in-laws' yard, looking for something to photograph. I was so excited to find a flowering vine, buzzing with bees, guarded by a praying mantis. For a few minutes I was transported away from the cares of the day as I snapped away, trying to capture the enchantment of this little world.

Tomorrow we'll get back at it. But today I will enjoy little things. Bees and flowers, jello salad, Monday Night football.

Roots

Today was the last day of our lo-o-o-ong journey. Eleven or so hours of driving, and we arrived, at long last, at my Mr.'s parents' house. Home, sort of.

On the way we stopped to visit my grandmother. I felt the anticipation build, as we drove past Great Uncle Jesse's barn, past the house where my grandpa was born, and then to the place I have always known as my grandparents' house. Everything seemed to whisper, "home, home, home".

Grandma & grandpa's house has always been a safe place, due mostly to the wonderful faith and unconditional love of the people who lived there.  Although things feel a little different now that grandpa has gone Home, my history and roots are there. The double row of trees in the backyard were planted by my great-great-grandpa.

And although I have pulled up my own roots and am wandering to distant places of the world, I am more stable knowing who I am and where I have come from. And in knowing that I am loved.

But even more importantly, as I go through life, I am learning to identify with my true Home. I am finding that security only comes by remembering Whose I am, and where I am going. And in knowing that I am loved.

When it comes my turn to go Home, many of the people who have loved me here on earth will be waiting there for me. I am truly blessed to have such a heritage and such a future.

Eph. 3:16–19

Turn Ahead

Well, we only drove seven hours today. It was a beautiful drive, even though we were both weary from our long trip yesterday. Sometimes I forget how agricultural our country still is. There is a beauty to farmland in autumn. There is a sense of completion and quiet.

I witnessed gold, orange and auburn trees bending tenderly over lakes and rivers. I watched tractors harvesting precious grain from dry, brown stalks. I saw barns and farm houses, standing as places of warmth and security against the coming winter.

This is truly a beautiful country. I am sad to be leaving in less that 2 weeks. The rhythm of seasons comforts me. There is a purity and pride in our agricultural heritage. Our Christian foundation blesses us, even today. 

This is home. I will miss it.

Driving

Eighteen hours.

That's how long we've been traveling today. Subtract an hour to visit a friend, lunch, supper, two bathroom breaks. Also add in about an hour for getting slightly lost.

So, it really shouldn't have taken that long. But all told, from the time we left our cabin in the woods, to the time when we checked into our hotel, it was eighteen hours.

Still, I remembered to look for beauty. The early dawn light highlighting the peaks of snowy mountains against a gray morning sky. Grain piled high—mountains of pale gold and rich amber kernels swirling together. Trees, trunks and leaves lit by the sun, standing in startling contrast against a stormy slate sky.

All this I saw at 65 mph.

But I saw it.

I was fretting that I wasn't going to get a photo today, but managed to snap hay bales in a field as my Mr. and I were swapping driving duties.

But the whole point of this blog was that I remember look for and see beauty.

And I did, even in the midst of a marathon day of travel.

Erosion

Well, it is our last day in the mountains. Sigh.

Today was terribly cold and windy, but I was determined to spend some time outside on our final day. There is a prayer trail here, with benches at various places to give us a chance to sit, think and pray. It was really hard to keep my mind focused as the wind gusted and the sun drifted in and out of the clouds. After an hour or so, it actually started sprinkling.

I was tempted to cut my trip through the prayer trail short, but every time I decided to head inside, the sun would peek out and invite me to stay a little longer.

The second-to-the-last bench is called "erosion". It faces a hill where the dirt is washing away, leaving cracks and gullies all down the hill. We are supposed to ponder the things that wear away at our souls. 

But today when I arrived at that bench, I actually laughed out loud. Because of all the wind these last few days, the eroded crevasses in the hill were filled with beautiful fall leaves. They were like rivers of gold running down the hill.

It was a reminder that God can make anything beautiful. Anything. And I'm glad I persevered through the weather to be reminded of that truth.

Dreams

Today I sat outside (briefly, because it was cold) taking in the fall scenery. I watched a golden aspen tree shimmer as the wind shook the leaves. As gusts hit it repeatedly, I saw showers of leaves break away from this tree and float away. I had the impression that if I watched long enough, I would see the wind totally disrobe this small tree, leaving it embarrassed with its naked, bare branches.

It hit me that these leaves are something like dreams. They bloom glorious and beautiful, fresh and shimmering. Then, as time goes by, they begin to yellow and age. Often they wither and die, falling away and leaving our souls bare and cold.

But just like the tree after it has gone through a winter season, our souls begin to send out tender buds of hope when it is touched by the gentle healing of spring. It is simply the nature of the soul to hope. These buds grow into new dreams, which carry us to the next winter.

Why do dreams have to die? Maybe dreams are only meant to last for a time, a season. They carry us along a certain distance, and then are no longer enough. We need new dreams to move us farther along in our journey.

As one watching dreams float away during this autumn time in our lives, I have to believe that there are new dreams just around the corner…

More Questions

Well, it was a weird day. Rough. Slept late, got up on the wrong side of the bed. My mind was already pulling me off into a world of my own creation. I wrestled it, trying to be HERE. Now.

Made a nice omelet breakfast, and then my Mr. wanted to sit and talk, reading some significant chapters aloud from a book about soul care. I  felt ashamed, broken. He is such a good guy.

I cried on and off throughout. We had a good talk, trying to prepare for a meeting we had later that day. We still hit the same walls we always do. But at least we thought we were prepared. I hoped I had gotten most of my emotions out. We had some questions we were planning to ask.

Got together with some dear people who asked insightful questions of us, instead. The conversation didn't go at all how we expected. I cried some more; we both came away reeling, I'm afraid.

Nothing bad; we are just left with more questions than ever.

I'm ashamed to admit that we just vegged the rest of the evening, playing video games, reading, watching TV. We need to revisit these things, but we are both pretty exhausted right now.

Maybe tomorrow.

I miss the peace and quiet of yesterday. Where did it go???

The Path

Accomplished: discipline of mind, focus, peace. Finally! I pledged I was going to spend today outside, free of distractions, seeking God. I set out determinedly, only to find a huge gray cloud covering the sun. But undeterred, I stuck it out—and froze. Why did God let a gray cloud darken my day with Him? No idea. I think I'm supposed to give thanks anyway.

Now I have that tired feeling, cozy after a hot shower and a fire in the fireplace. Full of a new yummy chicken crock-pot dish my Mr. found on the internet. A little white wine and Monday Night Football. Hoping to catch a glimpse of a friend who kicks for the Buccaneers.

Crazy, actually. I knew this guy when he was a grade-schooler and I was a college student. Now he plays pro football. Who of us really knows the path our lives will take?

I came here hoping to get some clarity on my future. Some details of the plan. I haven't received the answers I was looking for. Nothing specific. What I did get were words in the dark.

Lying awake a few nights ago, worrying, which seems to be my specialty. "I will lead you in righteous paths. I will restore your soul. I will be with you." Right out of the dark, directly into my heart. 

Only later did I realize they were words from Psalm 23. I haven't looked at that passage for years. But definitely God talking, not my imagination.

So, not the plan I was hoping for. Nothing clear or concrete. But it should be enough—more than enough, in fact. And in my better moments, it is.

Driven

Most of my day was spent trying to rest. Trying to rest without guilt, that is. Sleeping late, cooking with my Mr., watching NFL. I keep hearing my mom's voice in the back in my mind, "Stop wasting your time." I feel this time slipping away, afraid I'm not using this time to its fullest advantage.

I remember a plaque in my grandparents' bathroom, "Just one life, will soon be past. Only what's done for Christ will last." No wonder I'm so driven.

Grudgingly went to a supper with about 30 other people tonight. The topic of discussion was monastic virtues and soul care. In other words, the need to tend to my own heart and soul before trying to change those of others. Ordering my inner life before trying to impact other lives.

Basically, the most important thing I can do with my life is to pursue Jesus with all I have. Not an achievement anyone can see, but all true life and ministry flow out of this relationship, this center.

I need to be driven toward this One passion alone—single-mindedly and whole-heartedly.

Minding My Mind

Quiet day, full of college football. Slight guilt, staying indoors most of the day, although I did get out to snap some photos. It was rainy on and off, which made me feel better about staying in.

But my mind was not quiet, not at first. Why is it so hard to just stay in the moment, not thinking about yesterday or worrying about tomorrow? Why is it hard to be here, in this place, and not somewhere else? Why is my mind always churning?

With an effort of the will I managed to focus in on now. Enjoyed football with my Mr., and loved the lentil soup he made in the crock pot. Chopped some wood, napped a little. Watched clouds roll in and out, although I would have liked to see more weather develop. I love thunderstorms. However, what we did get seems to have knocked the internet out, so I guess this post will be late.

Less than a week left to our break. Who knew it would be such hard work to rest?

A Quiet Mind

Not a lot of thinking today, which was kind of nice. Slept late, had tea on a porch with my Mr. and a friend, and then we went out looking for beauty. Drove through gorgeous mountains to a lake, looking at the aspens changing color. A little talk in the car, but not much. Mostly driving and looking and snapping photos. I wish my eyes could have memorized everything they saw today.

It's nice to have a quiet mind for a while. It was relaxing, and as I relaxed I realized how tired I am. Funny how when my mind is at rest, my body can start to rest, too. I need a quiet mind more often.