wait

Well, one answer to prayer. This morning I got a text from the person for whom I am designing a logo. They want to see my ideas by the end of the week. Meaning, I know what I will be focusing on for the next few days, and have a deadline to motivate me. So, I don't think I'm going to waste this "free and open" week.

Although this morning started out a bit sluggish. Awake a little late, really slow getting up. Had devotions, to give myself time to wake up enough to exercise. Did my strength training routine. Went to the market. Played a bit of the computer game. Stupid.

Lunch, did dishes. Packed my bag and headed off to my half day with God. The skies had been gray and threatening the whole hour we were eating lunch and cleaning up. I packed quickly and walked quickly. It held off just long enough. Once I got to the coffee shop and was settled at a table with my café mocha, the rain started. Nice touch. Very grateful to arrive dry.

I settled in to do some study, but something was bothering me. On my way to the market I had stopped and visited with an acquaintance. She runs a flower shop. Her mom had been doing very poorly a few months ago, but I had not seen signs of a funeral, so I asked how things were going. She said that her mom was doing a lot better.

The problem is, when her mom was very ill, she was incoherent. I felt really bad, because I had never shared my faith with her, and at that point it seemed too late. But now… to be honest, now I feel even worse. There is this heavy sense of responsibility that I ought to do something. Say something.

What stops me? Why do I hesitate? This lady is very old, near eternity. Her family needs to know the truth. What am I doing to help?

I wrestled it over with God, to no good resolution. I am working hard to pursue Him, to know Him. I have been driven to perform in the past, motivated by guilt and a sense of obligation. Now as I get to know Him better, I hope my service will flow out of relationship and love for Him. But do people have to wait to hear Truth until I "get my act together" or "get into a good place"? That doesn't seem right. Frustrated. Hard to concentrate on anything else, although I journaled and tried reading the Bible and another inspirational book as well.

So it was an OK but uncomfortable time with God today. It rained most of the time I was there. Even though things had slowed down to a light drizzle as I headed home, I pulled out this neat-o little rain coat that came with my back pack. It slips right around the bag and snaps in place. So, I got slightly damp as I walked home, but I knew my computer and books were staying dry.

Home, supper. Then we watched about 3 or 4 hours of TV. I did and didn't want to do that. It was nice to get my mind off of things, but I also felt like I was wasting time. Started this blog very late, and now it's making me think through all those difficult things again. I can tell I'm going to need to vent to Mr. before bed.