control

I got home last night and it was so late. It had been a very nice evening, and I just wanted to go to bed and rest. I thought I'd get up early and post my blog this morning. But I didn't. Sorry to skip a day; still, got the photo of the day, so that's OK.

I had a bit of a talk with God yesterday. It was at a church get-together. There was some time for personal reflection. I was thinking, kind of complaining to God about my recent physical problems. My knee is still aching, that spot of skin cancer and the surgery, and now my heart.

I have already admitted that part of my ambitious exercise and weight-loss goals is because I feel out of control in many other aspects of my life. My work, where we will live, our future. At least I am going to take control of what I do with my body.

But as I was praying, I seemed to hear Jesus say, "See, you don't even have control over that." Not in a mean way, but in a weary, patient way. Like I keep missing a lesson over and over. And He's right. I ultimately have no control over what happens to me physically. I can work as hard as I want, but there are no guarantees. I am not actually master of my own body.

I feel like I have let go of so many things, am learning not to hold onto control so tightly in so many areas of life. But He is still prying my fingers loose. I am still learning this hard lesson. When will it be done?

Later in the day I stopped by a friend's shop to invite her to come to a DVD series for people exploring Christianity. I missed her by 5 minutes. I left a flier, but that is extremely lame. I will call her tomorrow to see if she's interested.

I was going to meet Mr. and a few other friends at a near-by restaurant and found myself with about an hour to kill before the rest of them arrived. I wandered around a park and practiced some night-time photography. Without a tripod it was a bit tricky, but I came up with a few good shots. Mr. came early and we walked and talked a bit. Love him.

Supper was at a Brazilian steakhouse in celebration of my friend's birthday. It was amazing. You ordered the "meat buffet" and waiters just came to your table all night long with different cuts of meat on skewers. If you wanted some they carved a slice off for you, onto your plate. I think I ate enough meat last night to last me a month. But oh so yummy.

Today was very quiet, in many ways. Talked a good while to my parents first off. Then caught a friend on Facebook chat. It was good to get caught up. Lunch, some Bible reading/dozing. (Hate it when I do that!) Then off to church early; I was the worship leader and needed to practice with the other singers. It was a really good service. The speaker was Swedish, but he was so deep and thorough in the things he had to say. I appreciated him very much.

Now time to wrap the day up, hassle the kitty, and get to bed.

Oh yeah. This is my 365th post. Can you believe I've been at this for a whole year???

lonely

Well, I was not embarrassed at my doctor's appointment today. Unfortunately, that means the doctor heard an irregularity in my heart beat. She didn't seem terribly worried, but wanted me to get another test. That wasn't available today, so I'll have to get to it in a few days.

I told Mr. that my warranty must have run out a little early; I seem to be falling apart all of a sudden, and I haven't hit forty yet. I'm trying not to be bummed by this new development.

He picked me up at the dr.'s office and we went and had pho—our comfort food these days. And did I mention had been raining for hours and the roads were all flooded, and we were both soaked up to the knees from riding our motorbike through splashing water? Oh well. Nothing a steaming bowl of pho couldn't fix.

Tonight we had supper with an unusual couple. We really don't know them well, but as part of my "elder" duties at our church (did I ever mention that I was an elder??) I was given their names to follow up with for pastoral care. So I contacted them and they were happy to meet Mr. and me this evening.

He is a national, she is a Korean. I really wasn't sure what language we would speak. We met at a Korean restaurant (yum!) and we started out speaking the national language (since neither Mr. nor I speak Korean). But they soon switched to English—and they were both better at it than we expected.

I left the evening with two main thoughts.

First of all, I am a big whiner. They are facing HUGE challenges, not only being in a cross-cultural marriage, but also trying to do ministry on their own. They don't seem to have much of a support system around them. Their stress levels are so high and, granted, they could make some different choices which would make things easier, but they don't because of personal convictions. Which aren't mine—but that's OK. Anyway, many of my worries and concerns seemed rather petty by the end of the evening.

And secondly, it makes me sad how lonely people are. They were just thrilled that someone reached out to them and made the time to have a meal with them. They both indicated that they don't have many close friends, or anyone to just talk to. It kind of makes me ache inside to see people who feel so alone.

beverage

So, after having 3 different drinks during 3 different meetings at 3 different coffee shops, I am well hydrated. Knowing my life today was going to be a series of beverages that I had to order, in order to earn my right to occupy a chair at each shop, I decided to pace myself.

First, it was time with God and mint tea. I told Him mint was probably one of His best inventions.

Second, it was decaf café mocha with a friend. That's a regular favorite of mine. However, she had a fresh-squeezed green apple juice, and I kept it in mind for future reference. Future reference, as in later this evening.

Third—later this evening—it was a fresh-squeezed pineapple/green apple juice; same coffee shop chain, different location. With another friend. Great conversation. Great juice. I might never order coffee at that coffee shop again. (Although I'm also partial to their hazelnut latte. Hmmm. Dilemma.)

I barely saw Mr. all day. But when I got home from my last meeting it was after 8. He was finishing up some work, and then headed to bed early. I'm finishing up this blog, trying to get into the bedroom quickly, but he'll probably be asleep by the time I'm done.

Tomorrow I have a doctor's appointment. Another one. My heart has been feeling weird lately. And even though everything in me says it's nothing, and don't be a hypochondriac, I decided to have it checked out. I am feeling foolish for letting the spot on my chin go for as long as I did, until it was a big-ish problem. But now I'm afraid I'll go in there tomorrow, my heart will not be doing the "weird" things, she won't see anything, and I'll feel foolish for being an alarmist.

Actually, I don't think I can win here. If the doctor sees a problem, I'll be vindicated, but unwell. If she doesn't see anything, then I'll feel embarrassed for making a deal out of nothing. I'm not quite sure which option is preferable…

(Just kidding. I'll take momentary embarrassment over a heart condition any day.)  :-P

OK. I'm going to go search out either Mr. or the cat, both of whom should have missed me WAY more than they apparently have today, since neither one is cuddled close soaking in my presence after my very busy, very absent, very beverage-filled day.

death

I know. This seems like a depressing topic. But I guess my mind is still on it after yesterday.

One funny story first, though: yesterday when Mr. and I left our apartment to go to the funeral we were stopped about 3 times in the 20 feet it took to get to our vehicle by neighbors telling us how nice we looked, wondering what were we doing? were we going somewhere special? They were so cheerful and complimentary it seemed a shame to tell them we were going to a funeral. But tell them we did, and they were instantly subdued and a little embarrassed they had made such a big deal out of it. I guess Mr. and I should dress up more…

So, I was lying awake in the wee hours of the morning thinking about things. This is becoming an increasingly bad habit of mine. I don't know why, but worries and heavy thoughts seem to ambush me in the middle of the night. They are so much harder to deal with then than they are in the middle of the day. If I could just keep from waking up I'd be OK…but invariably either my bladder or the kitty rouse me before dawn.

Anyway, I was thinking about life and funerals and the future when I remembered what our pastor said just this past Sunday. It really struck me, and I pondered it again last night. He said, "We just say death is a part of life. But it isn't. We are told death is natural. But that's not true. In the perfection of creation there was no death. God never intended it. Death is a result of the fall. A result of sin." (Well, he said something like that. This is my summary.)

I had never thought about it like that before, but he's right. Death is not the way it's supposed be. It's the result of a very broken system, and one day all will be fixed and death will disappear. WOW. Good news.

I have also been trying to come to grips with the fact that things don't always turn out positively. My naturally optimistic outlook is slowly being eroded. Sometimes doing the right thing gets you hurt. Sometimes people let you down. Sometimes a small spot on your skin turns out to be something serious. Sometimes people leave in the morning and don't come back in the evening.

That little voice in my heart that says, "Everything's going to be OK," is getting less and less confident.

But I seemed to hear God answer last night. "Just as I did not plan death into the original creation, neither did I include sickness or pain. I long for my creatures to live in peace, safety and security, as do you. But this world has been wounded by sin. Your desire for such a world is not wrong; it echoes My heart. But you are mistaken to expect it from this life."

Slowly, slowly. I think I'm getting it. Maybe I'll sleep a little better tonight.

funeral

When we cry at funerals, I think we cry for ourselves.

We're not crying for the deceased, especially not at a Christian funeral. They are in a far better state. The funeral today was a celebration of our friend's life. It was amazing to see all the people whose lives he had touched, to hear their remembrances of him and they ways he had changed and challenged him.

His children all spoke. He was a well-loved, well-respected dad who left behind solid kids who will miss his wisdom and guidance in their lives.

I thought about my own troubled dad, and our troubled relationship. I envied them the closeness and security they had enjoyed with their dad and mourned the absence in my own life.

His wife spoke at the end. She was so truly and totally in love with him. They did everything together: work, family, life. She said that a few days ago she was rushing around, making funeral preparations. She wondered, "Where is my husband? I have so much to do! Why isn't he helping me?" And then she remembered whose funeral she was preparing. They were so intertwined. Completely one.

There is a cost to loving so well.

I thought about Mr. sitting beside me. I cried because some day we, too, must face this separation.

They were taking him to a near-by province for burial. Although he was an American his home and his heart was here. Mr. spoke to him just a few weeks ago. Our friend was expressing frustration over various issues this country has. Mr. asked him if he felt that way, why does still stay here? He looked at Mr. and said, "Where else would I go?"

I thought about how I feel about this country. I have not loved it or the people whole-heartedly. I certainly wouldn't want to be buried here. I know it doesn't make any difference once you're dead, but I wouldn't want to stay here.

And so my friend was honored by all who knew him. Looking at one man's journey, facing the truth about how frail and short life is, really makes you think about your own.

And so I cried. Yes, for his wife some. For his kids some. But mostly for myself.

playful

Once again I feel word-weary tonight. Today was the day to write our weekly update, so I used up some vocabulary there, and then a friend of the female persuasion came over for the evening, and much chatting ensued. I realize now that I don't hang out with other women that often. Mr. is a much more quiet companion.

She (my friend) cracked me up. She called me out of the blue the other day and said, "I'm feeling creative. Can I come over and make cards?" And of course, I was delighted to welcome her into my world of colored paper, fun-edged scissors, and rainbow inks. It was a very nice evening.

The kitty also cracked me up a few times today. She has been very playful, curious, and interactive. We had a few intense games of chase throughout the day. She wriggled her way into various drawers to hide. And for a while she wanted to be right up in the middle of the table for card making as we stamped and glued and snipped—pouncing at scraps of paper and chewing, well, everything.

Unfortunately, her playful mood started late last night. She woke me up twice in the wee hours of the morning, bugging me to pay attention to her. I gave in both times, which probably only reinforces this bad habit. But I must admit, I find her a little irresistible.

It is probably good I am not a parent. I am pretty sure I would be the biggest push-over in the world.

I found today's photo at the market. I love it. 

I was there not only to get food for supper, but also to purchase a new blouse. Tomorrow is the funeral for our friend, and I didn't have a the right kind of shirt. The appropriate attire for each occasion is pretty clearly defined here. It is actually the first funeral I have attended in this country. Not that I haven't known people who have died; I just haven't been able to attend their funerals for one reason or another.

Hmmm. Another first before forty. I had no idea this year would be filled with so many firsts.

words

Annnnd…

I am experiencing a complete lack of words tonight as I sit down to write. Maybe it's because I used up a lot of them this morning talking to my sister and her husband. We talked for over 3 hours. It was a nice visit. Not our longest skype call, believe it or not.

Also believe it or not, we got a UFC title fight live over here in SE Asia that my brother-in-law would have had to pay $50 on pay-per-view for. So we pulled the computer up close to our TV and let him watch it on skype. Wasn't the best quality for him, but it was kind of fun to watch it all together. My sister wasn't as amused, I guess.

It was a low-key, laid back day. Tried to keep it that way on purpose; Sunday and all. And it was quiet. And nice. Church was good, too. Then out for supper with some friends. Mr. was quite funny; I told him he was the life of the party.

During supper we discussed the recent death of that colleague I mentioned last week. NOT such a funny or fun topic. But some more things have come to light that help make the death less mysterious and suspect. Which helps somehow. He was on his way back from teaching in a village when he stopped to swim with some local kids in a pond. One time he dove down and didn't come back up. The kids thought he was teasing them, but then got scared and ran away.

His wife says he has had a weak heart for a long time, and thinks he had a heart attack or something. She seems to be taking it in stride. I don't think many of the rest of us knew. We're all a bit more shocked. But at least there's some sense to it now.

The funeral is Tuesday. We'll probably go.

Oh. And it was another "sit on the back of the motorbike and shoot photos while Mr. is driving" photo day. I feel so lame when I do that. Very much sticking to the "letter" of my 1000 day photo commitment, but missing the spirit of the experiment.

listening

First of all, do you see these yummy treats? I resisted these for over two hours today as I met with someone in the shop where they're made. Didn't waver, held firm in my resolve. But now I really wish I had one. :-(

You might not know it, but listening is hard work. I had three meetings with ladies, from 10:30 to 5:30 straight today. We just talked—or they talked, mostly, and I listened. And asked questions. They're great women; I love talking with them. But my mind is weary. Not ideal for maximum blogging.

I determined to be more on top of things today, and decided what to make for supper last night before going to bed. I was up bright and early to exercise, and then off to the market to get everything I needed. I was chopping and getting everything into the crock pot, when I realized it was almost time for me to leave for my first meeting, and I hadn't even showered yet. So what happened? Mr. ended up finishing the food preparations while I got ready to go. Sheesh! In spite of all my good intentions!

Anyway, I had my day full of meetings (AND coffee shops, by the way: one mocha latte, one mint tea, and one hazelnut latte—all decaf.) And when I got home I was just tired. Mr. and I were both hungry so we dug into supper and watched TV. I really didn't want to do much else besides just chill out. Mr. was OK with that, too. So it was a quiet evening, filled with Psych, Breaking Bad, and the last half of an old James Bond. I might watch something else before bed. Or just go to bed. I don't know. No. Now I'm watching CSI: New York.

The little kitty has been sleeping in my dresser ever since I got home 4 hours ago. If I know her, she will soon be waking up and come out ready to play. Our timing is very off.

…and here she is. Right on schedule.

husband

OK. My husband is simply AWESOME!

I wasn't in such a funk today, but still not completely on top of things. We took the cat to the vet. She's fine, just a regularly-scheduled deworming shot. Talked a bit about the upcoming flight to the US. The vet didn't seem concerned. Wish I felt the same.

Then Mr. drove me about a half an hour out of town to check out a resort that I might take some ladies to for a retreat. He didn't complain at all. I didn't exactly know how to find it, but he did, and didn't mind taking me there.

We had pho for lunch. H—we LOVE pho. Can't wait to share a bowl with you!!

Later, as I was working on e-mails and other stuff he walked through the living room purposefully, with his bag over his shoulder. When I asked where he was going, he said he was getting groceries for supper. Which was great news because I had NO plan. Not only did he get the groceries, he made the supper and washed the dishes afterward. And it was yummy. I am SO not worthy.

Sigh.

I woke up in the middle of the night last night, and had trouble falling back to sleep. I kept thinking about our friend who died suddenly. I think what bothers me is that I want so desperately to believe that the world is generally safe. But it isn't. And yet, in order to get up and go about our days, we have to believe it is. When I step out of my door, nothing bad is going to happen. When I drive on the street, I won't have an accident. When I interact with this person they won't seek to harm me. And many times we're right. But sometimes we're not. And that's the scary thing.

It seems that in order make life and civilization work, we have to believe the best, or we wouldn't actually risk anything. But are we just deceiving ourselves?

I talked with Mr. over lunch. Part of why I want to go back to the US is that it feels safer. It feels more predictable and controllable. He (in typical realist/pessimist mode) responded that it's just more easy to deceive ourselves there. Here, we come face-to-face with the danger and instability of life so much more often.

I don't know. God seemed to whisper to me last night that my desire for a safe, secure environment will only be realized in heaven. I just have to figure out how to live in this less predictable one until I get there.

floundering

I just couldn't get traction today. Having a little trouble re-engaging after being away. Giving myself excuses and leeway since I just got back from surgery. Procrastinating like a pro.

My chin is doing really well. Mr. saw the "wound" today when I had it uncovered briefly, and was really impressed with how it's healing. He doesn't think there's going to be much of a scar. It's in that itchy phase now. Yeeeek.

So, quick quiz: I am from a family that openly shared about wounds and ailments with each other. I mean we showed stitches or scars, described symptoms in detail, that sort of thing. Mr. thinks this is weird. Apparently in his family they kept that sort of information to themselves. Now when I try to tell him about a sickness or ask him to look at something, he acts as though I'm doing something unusual. But I think you need to share stuff like that with each other, because who's going to take care of you if not your family. Right? Who's with me?

Even though I was out twice today I forgot to take my camera with me both times. I'm telling you. I was not with it. So, you're stuck with a photo of our bed. Which, actually, is one of the coziest, most comforting places in our house, in my opinion. It might not be typical "beauty", but it looks wonderful to me.

We met up with a friend for supper. It was great to see her again. However, half-way through the meal Mr. got a phone call. I could tell from his face as he listened to the person on the other end of the line that it was troubling news. He walked away to hear better. When he came back he didn't say anything, but his eyes were speaking volumes. I asked him what it was. He said I probably didn't want to know—which only made me want to know more!

So he told me. A colleague of ours was found drowned in a pond today. What a complete shock. He was a foreigner—one of the "old timers" who had been here 20 years or more. He met his wife, a national, when she was in the US. They moved back here and raised their family. Their youngest just graduated from high school maybe 3 or 4 years ago.

He was a brilliant man, but highly unorganized. One of those awkward geniuses. (geniusii??) A linguist, he was incredible at the language, and we mainly worked with him on translation projects. Mr. most recently taught classes at the same Bible school he did.

It's troubling. It's shocking. It's sobering. It makes you wonder what in the world happened. But here, in this country, we'll probably never know. No one will follow up or investigate. That's just how it is here. We tried to remind ourselves that people die unexpectedly even in the US, but we both agree that this place seems to have more than its share of tragedy. We're so ready to be out of this harsh place for a while.

Sigh. Very heavy to end the day on. My heart goes out to his wife and kids.

home

The stitches came out well. The doctor seemed pleased with how the incision is healing. We'll see. I know he had to take out a large-ish chunk of flesh, and that he did his best to patch it up well. That's all I can ask.

My solo trip home also went well. I found my way through the sky train system (like a subway, only above the streets) to the airport, and then found my way through the airport to the right gate. Onto the right plane. To the right country. To my house. No problems.

I grabbed a few shots out of the airplane window. It has been a long time since I actually got to sit in a window seat. Mr. has long legs and prefers the aisle seat, which means I'm usually in that awkward middle seat. Yeah. The one no one wants to be in. Anyway, my photos didn't do it justice, but it truly was beautiful to look down on the clouds once again.

Upon arriving home I was greeted warmly by a husband who immediately had to rush out to teach a class. And by a little cat. Who was happy, happy, happy to see me.

Mr. then went on to our weekly Hebrew class, which I chose to skip. I just wanted to stay home hanging with the cat. She was slightly beside herself. Jumped up on my tummy and kneaded my shirt for at least three long sessions. Purred like crazy. Rubbed up against me all over. And now and then nipped at me, as if she couldn't think of a more enthusiastic way to welcome me home. Then, all exhausted, she curled up on my lap and slept a while.

I had a friend write a week or so ago telling me not to worry about moving the cat all the way to the US, even with our unsettled schedule. My friend said I was "home" for the cat, and she would be OK as long as she was with us. I remained unconvinced at that time. This little kitty is pretty independent. She is not really a cuddler. I don't often see her finding comfort in just being around me. She is firmly queen of this little apartment, her castle.

But she sure seems to have missed me while we were gone. After today maybe, just maybe, she does like me OK after all. Maybe I can be "home" for her. That would be nice.

minimal

Going to keep this short; one, because I'm tired, and two, because it was a rather low-key day with not much to report. Which was very nice, for the record.

We slept in late (all the way to 8:00!) and gradually made our way down to the breakfast buffet at our hotel. Then I spent a good chunk of the day with God. Of course, times with God happen over coffee recently, so I ran over to a near-by Starbucks and got a salted caramel mocha decaf coffee. Hey, gotta get it while I can, don't I?

I settled down at a table in an outside seating area of our hotel, because I was tired of freezing in the air conditioning in our room. (Mr. and I have very different ideas on a "comfortable" temperature.) Then I just had some really good quiet time with God. Read a chapter in a book on the sabbath, reflected, journaled. Ended the time by trying to make a reading list of Christian classics to read over our sabbatical year. Quite a hard task!

I know my photo today is a little bizarre, but it was in a little landscaped area near where I was seated. I think it's actually a work in progress, because periodically official-looking people would come out, look at the egg-shaped sphere floating in the lily pond, and engage in lengthy, animated discussions, pointing and shaking their heads.

At about 4:30 we headed to the other side of town to visit some friends. Their hospitality was warm and homey, and we ended up talking for a few hours. It was so nice.

But now we need to get to bed. Mr. leaves at 5 in the morning to catch his flight. I have stitches taken out at 8. And then at 11 I head out to catch my flight. I have never actually traveled internationally alone before. Seriously, I am so spoiled. It's high time I prove to myself that I can do it. But that calls for a good night's sleep first…

damage

Back to the doctor for us today.

First was a visit with my surgeon, who checked on my stitches and bandages. He seemed quite satisfied with things, but please answer me this: why would a man who knew first-hand the kind of damage he did to my chin just 2 days earlier poke and prod said chin with such callous abandon?? Ouch!!

Then we both went to a dermatologist, to get checked head to toe for other suspicious spots. Precautionary, yes. We don't want to get caught by surprise again. While the doctor congratulated me on generally healthy skin "for my age", she did point out the difference in color between my porcelain white belly and the parts of my skin that were "sun damaged"—meaning my arms, mostly. As I looked at my slightly golden brown limbs, I wondered when a "healthy tan" suddenly came to be known as "sun damage".

In between our visits we spent some time hanging out in waiting rooms. This hospital is well-known internationally, and they actually market a kind of "medical tourism", bringing patients from all around the world.

I was enjoying the rich variety around me—what a mix of different races and religions!—when I became aware of another thing that was damaged. My wandering gaze quickly dropped to the floor when I realized that I had been taking in a Muslim man and his wife, and had accidentally caught his eye. What was he thinking about me? What did he think I was thinking about him?? I know I was thinking nothing negative, but does he???

I hate the fact that I have never met this person before and yet we are automatically off on the wrong foot. Something is very damaged when individuals are separated by layers of mistrust and misconceptions before they ever have the chance to know each other as human beings. In many cases these barriers keep us from ever approaching one another to even try at understanding. In extreme cases it polarizes entire populations against each other.

I know that each individual is a unique and treasured creation of God—regardless of race or creed. How He must grieve when we so damage one another.

leisure

Today was a very leisurely, quiet day. I thought I would spend a majority of it with God, and I didn't. I thought I would nap, and I didn't. I thought I would get to bed early, and I haven't.

I actually don't think I handle free time very well. I will have to work on that.

Up late, slow breakfast (I can only eat little tiny bites, you know), some devotional reading and Bible reading. I explored the roof-top pool area and experimented with how to shower without getting my bandages wet. A friend who lives here called and we got together for a late lunch that lasted most of the afternoon. Then I spent a few hours surfing the internet, looking for places to stay in Florida during the month of February. Did you know February is probably the worst/best time to go to Florida?? Best, because the weather is really nice there, and lousy up north. Worst because everyone wants to be there at that time, and the prices are really high and lots of places are booked already.

I think I spent over 4 hours looking. I sent close to 20 inquiries for places in our price range that take pets, so hopefully something will come of it.

Now it's past 10 pm, and I know I should go to sleep, but I'm not sleepy. Another pitfall of a quiet, laid-back day. Hmmmm. I am not very good at this life of leisure. Maybe I just need more practice…

;-)

surgery

Well, another new experience before my 40th birthday. Stay awake for a minor surgery. This is only my second surgery ever; the first one I went under for. So, being completely alert this time was quite interesting.

I felt very calm the whole time leading up to the procedure. At one point Mr. and I got separated as he took care of billing and they led me off to prep for surgery. But then they wanted him there, and I didn't know how to get ahold of him, and he didn't know where I had gone. Briefly I felt frustration and worry begin to rise, but then I remembered that Jesus was there with me. I seemed to hear Him say, "You don't have to be in control. I am." And He was right. And there wasn't anything I could do about it anyway. And things came together just fine. We found each other and got to visit a bit and give big hugs and good good-byes before I went off for the final prep. Nice.

While I was in the room waiting to go into surgery, I heard other patients there doing the same. But they were in various states of anxiety. Our beds were all near each other, but we couldn't see anyone, because they had drawn curtains around each of us. One rather loud man hummed and sang and asked the nurses lots of questions and asked for a paper and rattled the pages and tossed in his bed restlessly. He was a bundle of nervous energy.

When he was wheeled away they replaced him with a woman. I could tell she was Aussie from her accent. She was actually a nurse by vocation so she dealt with the situation by trying to control it. She didn't tell the nurses what to do, exactly, but let them know that she knew how things should be done. She was also diagnosing her own symptoms. (When they took her blood pressure she told them ahead of time that it would be high, because she was nervous. When they had trouble finding a vein for an IV, she told them it was hard because she was dehydrated.)

I was sorry that they were all so scared. As I looked at the white curtains surrounding me, I realized that, with a bit of imagination, they could pass for the drooping branches of a weeping willow surrounding me. Of course. That special place I go to hang out quietly with Jesus. And suddenly I was in surroundings that were very familiar and comforting. We just talked. I cried at one point, but it was because of the topic that I was "discussing" with Jesus. But the strangeness and scariness of the hospital just melted away. I passed a good hour that way.

As I said, being awake for the surgery was fascinating. The shots in my chin for the local anesthetic were the most painful part. The most disturbing part was feeling tugging and pulling, even though everything was numb and I didn't have any pain. Made me wonder what all was going on down there. (They wrapped a heavy cloth over my eyes, so I couldn't see anything.) And I actually wanted to giggle at one point because as the doctor was putting in the stitches, the loose end of the thread tickled my nose. (Lots of stitches under the skin, and 10 on the top. Must have been a rather large incision.)

The doctor was very kind. Although he was a plastic surgeon he warned me ahead of time that he would not be able to avoid scarring completely. He wanted to be aggressive to be sure to get all the cancer out. I appreciated his candor. I will follow up with him on Monday.

So, the two most challenging things since then have been eating and laughing. It is hard to eat when you are trying to avoid moving your chin. Did you realize how active a chin is in the chewing motion? Also, I can't open my mouth very wide, so I kept dropping food and dribbling soup down my bandages.

Then, Mr., trying to cheer me up, popped in one of our favorite TV shows to watch. But we had to turn it off before we were 5 minutes into it. It made me laugh, but laughing made my chin really hurt, and the more I tried to stop laughing, the harder I actually laughed, which increased the pain in my chin. Which, believe it or not, also made me want to laugh.

So, anyway. That's it. I really don't feel bad at all as long as I only drink milk shakes and avoid laughing. ;-)

civilization

Well, tomorrow is the big day. We got ourselves packed up and flew to a neighboring country this afternoon. It was a short flight—less than an hour. I barely had time to finish the meal they served.

From the airport we spent about an hour or so on sky trains to get to the heart of the city, near our hotel. You can tell from the photo (taken from a speeding train) that this city is much more modern and developed than the one we live in. We celebrated our arrival with burgers at McDonald's. Ah, civilization!

Tomorrow is the surgery for my skin cancer. Mr. asked if I was nervous. I guess I'm not, really. I don't think so, at least. I'll just be glad to have it done with. We'll see how I feel tomorrow, though, afterward. I'll let you know.

Mr. chose a really nice hotel for us, close to the hospital. I feel so pampered. I think the interior designer was a man, though, because the decor has a very masculine feel. But it's still quite luxurious. And the bed is soft, and the comforter is thick. Which is good, because the air conditioner is VERY efficient. (Brrr.) I'm going to snuggle in and sleep like a log.

And I'm not going to have a little kitty waking me up in the wee hours of the morning. About which, I'm a little sad, actually. She let me sleep until 5 this morning, before demanding her early play date. This is the game we play: I tiptoe around the house and she hides behind things and pounces at my ankles. Sometimes, when it's really early in the morning, I more trudge than tiptoe, but I'm always careful to take small steps. I would hate to step on her, which is a very real possibility in a dark house with a vicious little kitty darting at your feet!

Ah, I will miss her these next 5 days. (But not as much as she will miss me, probably.)

This morning after playing with the kitty, I had trouble falling back asleep. I laid in bed a while, and finally I thought (and this is terrible) "If I get up and read my Bible, I'll probably fall right asleep." And the sad thing is, I was right. I went out and laid on the couch with a light on and opened my Bible. Wouldn't you know, I didn't get a full page read before falling asleep. I got another hour and a half of sleep, or so. I suppose God doesn't mind…

And speaking of sleep, I think I'm going to turn in for the night. Big day tomorrow, you know.

conversation

So I need to stop taking moto taxi drivers who I don't know. I mean, there hasn't been any trouble; they've always proven to be dependable. However, I caught two today who were totally awed that I spoke the language, and wanted to chat the whole way.

Don't get me wrong; I have nothing against chatting with moto taxi drivers. However, there are three problems. Well, one problem, three causes, really. Cause #1: traffic noise and wind whistling in my ears. Cause #2: full face motorcycle helmets that muffle the voice. And Cause #3: They are facing away from me, as I sit behind them on the motorbike seat. And the problem? I have trouble hearing them!

I struggle to understand Mr. sometimes when he's driving the moto and talking to me in English—how much more difficult to catch a foreign language thrown back over the shoulder as you weave through traffic!

Regardless, I managed to have a passable conversation with both drivers. Partly because they covered the standard questions every national asks me: How long have you been here? Who do you work with? Are you married? Do you have kids? That's standard fare.

I was on moto taxis so much today because starting from 11:00 I went straight from one meeting to another, only just arriving home at 8:30 tonight. Those meetings, too, were filled with conversation, although in settings more conducive to talking. Add to that the fact that Mr. was occupied from 7:30 am to 12 noon, and we did not see each other for a very long time! Oh, we caught glimpses of each other for a few minutes here and there as one or the other stopped back by the house in between meetings, but really. Busy day.

And my day started quite early, so I'm whipped. Yes, I did set the alarm for 5 am so that I could go jogging. Unfortunately, the kitty decided that 4 am was a better time to rise, and she sat on my stomach, kneaded my chest, and basically made a nuisance of herself until I got up and gave her some attention. I laid back down, but didn't actually get back to sleep before the alarm went off.

[Post Script: at this point in my typing I nodded off, and just gave up and went to bed. I figured the post could wait until morning. And I was right.]

motivation

I have been kicking it with my workouts recently. Monday was Zumba cardio, and Tuesday was Yoga Meltdown with Jillian Michaels. Today was a series of strength-training exercises (basics: weights, squats, push-ups, sit-ups, etc.). Those aren't as intense, but I think I was fatigued from the first two days, so everything felt hard this morning.

I don't think I mentioned that a few weeks ago I had to go out and buy a new pair of jeans, because my old ones were so baggy they threatened to fall down. Good problem. Got one size smaller. Now I have motivation again, to try to make this new pair baggy.

And this past weekend at the retreat I helped with, a number of people noticed I had lost weight, and were very complimentary. So, it was really encouraging.

That's probably why I have a little extra umph in my workouts this week.

Mr. is going to set an alarm and help me get up at 5 tomorrow morning so I can get my jogging done before it gets too hot. It's been drizzly all evening, so maybe that will help the temps stay down in the AM.

(Note to my former roomie: I don't mean to be rubbing in all the precipitation we're getting nowadays. What can I say: I live in a tropical climate 11 degrees off of the equator. We have an entire season named "rainy"!)

As for the rest of the day, I had a fair to average morning with God in a coffee shop. Not His fault. I struggled to get my head in the game, and then I struggled to stay awake. Still and all, I'm glad I did it.

E-mailing and computer work (translation) in the afternoon, Hebrew class in the evening. Vietnamese beef noodle soup for supper. Nothing like a steaming bowl of pho on a chilly, rainy evening. Granted, you might not find low 80's chilly, but you don't live in a tropical climate 11 degrees off of the equator, either, now do you??  ;-)

And now off to bed with me. I have an early date with a jog in the morning.

down

So, we needed toilet paper. That's all we needed, really. I told Mr. I'd go out and get it, while he went off to a meeting. I needed the extra motivation to get out of the house, anyway. Felt rather despondent today.

One thing that usually makes me feel better is to fix food. I think it's the combination of a creative act, combined with care for others, that makes cooking deeply satisfying to me.

I looked through recipes and settled on a yummy chili soup. It has white wine and bacon in it, so it has to be good! I made my shopping list and got all ready to walk out of the door, just as it started raining. Not hard, just a steady sprinkle. I did some computer work for about a half an hour, hoping it would stop, but it didn't. Neither did it get heavier, though, so I decided to just go out in it.

I trudged through the rain and got everything on my list, only to realize as I was almost home that I had forgotten—you guessed it—the toilet paper. What a one-drawer loser I am.

Other things that made me feel down today:

The kitty. I am worried about what to do with her when we return to the US. I want to keep her with me, but know we'll be moving around a lot. I don't want to put her through psychological trauma. Also, she has a mystery cut on her cheek right behind her whiskers. We don't have any other little critters around; where did that come from?

E-mail. I wrote forty-plus e-mails yesterday (no exaggeration), and haven't heard much back from people. I know this sounds silly, but I really get discouraged when I'm looking for responses to e-mails and don't get them.

Rain. Not that rainy weather discourages me, but I took my camera with me, hoping to get a good shot while I was out walking. However, due to the steady drizzle I didn't see much to shoot, and didn't want to get the camera out in the damp weather anyway. I think September has been a poor month for good photos.

Anyway, here's hoping I feel better tomorrow. I am not typically given to staying down for long. But like Mr. says, no one can feel absolutely happy 100% of the time. Guess today was my day for it.

elder

We talked to the oldest members of both of our families tonight. It was nice to hear their voices. We called Mr.'s parents first, and then talked to my grandma afterward. Oddly enough, they are close to the same age. I think his mom is 82, his dad is 86, and my grandma is 88.

Long story. Basically, Mr. is the youngest, born far behind his other siblings. I'm the oldest child of an oldest child. And he's about 10 years older than I am. Makes for some generational confusion.

The point is, we called to let them know about the pending trip to another country for the skin cancer surgery. We are planning to put it out in our weekly update, and wanted them to hear the news from us first.

Unfortunately, Mr. started out by saying, "Well, we have some news…" His mom said all to brightly and cheerfully, "Really??" I knew right away what she was thinking. I don't think Mr. caught on, though, because he continued, "Yes, we need to go out of country because Mrs. [that's me] needs to go the the doctor." Her voice went up another step, her desires about to be realized. I jumped in before her excitement escalated any further, however, telling her flat out that it was surgery for skin cancer. She was a bit crestfallen. But still supportive.

In her defense, she has never made a big deal out of us not having kids. But her reaction tonight made me wonder if she wants it a bit more than either of us realized. She admitted she had thought we were going to tell her we were pregnant. So sorry to have gotten her hopes up like that.

My grandma, on the other hand, had a hard time remembering what we had called about. She is perfectly fine to talk to, but you end up repeating the same topics of conversation about four times in one call. But I sure love her. She has a great sense of humor. And it made her day to hear from us. I'm pretty sure she'll remember that we called, at least.

As we look at heading back to the US soon, we are asking God to give us enough time with them to honor them well. These special older people in our lives. They are so dear.