angry

I heard a conversation this evening, went something like this:

"She's a pretty angry person."

"Yeah, well, she has a lot to be angry about."

It struck me particularly, because I spent a good bit of today angry. I woke up mad. I stayed upset most of the morning. My best strategy was to just keep my mouth shut so that I didn't say anything I'd regret.

We were still at the hotel, on a retreat. I tried and tried to relax and enjoy the pool, the cabana, the trees and the birds. After all, that's why I came there. But I just couldn't shake my dour mood.

I was supposed to be spending time with God, but couldn't seem to focus, concentrate. I was a bit distracted by the foreigner with his hired "girlfriend". Or what about the other foreign guy wining and dining the young teen-age national? Yes, I know I am making assumptions, but 90% of the time those assumptions are accurate. If anything, I probably give too many people the benefit of the doubt.

And how do you live every day and see filth and pain and evil and not get angry? Yes. There is a lot to be angry about.

But somehow, Jesus did it. He not only faced the sin of a fallen world, He also read the evil and pain in every human heart. And He was not an angry man. He moved through His life with grace and gentleness. He loved freely.

How do I do that? How do I open myself to others, not fearing their pain, or the pain they will cause me? How do I stay gentle instead of hard? How do I battle despair, hopelessness and helplessness? How do I not become an angry person? (Or stop being one, at least…because I'm already there.)

I don't know. But until I can learn to live in the pain and brokenness without lashing out, I don't think I should be here.