update

Mr. wanted me to be sure and point out that our whole entire date last night cost just $14.50. :-)

It is raining gently here, and unusually cool. (And by cool I mean low 80's.) We're watching/listening to a Coldplay concert that's being broadcast on TV. They are very mellow. We like their music.

And the cat has learned a new trick. She discovered that, if she stands on a little dresser in our bedroom, she can jump up onto the top of the door. Yeah, I mean the regular wooden swinging door to our bedroom. She teeters and balances on top of that little 1.5 inch-wide ledge. I have no idea why she wants to. It IS attractively high up; I know she enjoys being above everything. But I was afraid she would fall, so I climbed on a chair to get her down twice, and Mr. reached her down once (yes, he can just stand on the floor and reach that high). But she just kept jumping up. So, we gave in and left her there. Of course, she had no trouble getting down when she was good and ready. Weird new habit. I hope it passes soon.

So, today I had the responsibility to go and pay salaries to the employees of a restaurant while my friend is away. Needless to say, I was a pretty popular person. That went well, but then I counted and tallied the receipts and the cash from a few days' of sales. Things were fine until I agreed to change some big bills in the cash drawer for smaller bills from my pile, so that they would have change. However, I didn't quite have enough small bills, so I borrowed a few from the petty cash pile, too. And then things got a bit muddled for a bit. I figured it out in the end, but one of the employees decided to "help" me. He wasn't terribly patient about it, and ended up making me feel more confused and stressed. I just needed to sort things out myself without any pressure. He was frustrated with me and I was short with him. In the end, we figured everything out and we both calmed down. I apologized to him and we parted friends, I think.

It's amazing the physical reactions your body has to stress. Even though I was just sitting in one spot for that whole experience, my heart rate sped up, my muscles tensed, and I started sweating.

Walking home I tried to chill out. I had to concentrate on letting go of the tension in my muscles, they were bound up tight. However, I also had to walk a bit fast because it was looking like rain. I only felt a few light sprinkles before I got home. The rest of the afternoon was rainy on and off, and of course, when we needed to go out somewhere around supper time, it was "on". Rather damp ride. Mr. had a plastic rain poncho, but I chose to leave mine at home. He really catches most of the rain when I'm behind him on the moto, so I only got damp-ISH.

We had pizza with a friend and rehearsed a reader's theater-type reading of verses from Psalm 119. I'm leading worship again tomorrow at church, and decided to try something new. We'll see. Usually people are slow to embrace new things, especially at church.

Anyway, it was a nice evening. I have a small glass of wine waiting for me, and a kitty I want to cuddle. Going to wrap it up for tonight.

date

So, just to be fair to the kitty (regarding my comment yesterday that she jumped up and really clawed my back in her attempts to climb to my shoulder) I had noticed a few days ago that her claws are getting pointy sharp again, and I need to clip them. I haven't done it yet, so any injuries I sustain are probably largely my own fault.

Also speaking of the kitty, she just makes me laugh. We have this game where I run and hide around corners or behind large things, and she creeps up and pounces on me. I peek my head out now and then to remind her that I'm there. (I have had a few awkward moments where I'm dutifully hiding, only to realize that she has wandered away, off to play with something else.) Anyway, sometimes when I poke my head out, I catch her in mid-creep, as she moves from one hiding place to the next. When that happens, she just freezes in mid-stride, as if I won't see her if she doesn't move. Ha!

Last night, after I posted my blog, as I was getting into bed, I noticed a bruise of some sort under the nail of my big toe. It had been my jogging morning, so I just figured it had been pinched or something during the exercise. But as I got closer and poked at it to see it better, all of a sudden liquid came shooting out. I then realized I had a BLISTER underneath my toe nail. I had no idea such a thing was even possible! How does that even happen??? So, there you have it. My 39th year is proving to be full of new experiences. Gives me reason to look forward to number 40. There are still new things to be discovered out there! (Although I hope they're a little more charming than a blister under a toe nail.)

I have been thinking a lot recently about writing. I have some story ideas, and I sat down to brainstorm and write them all out a week or so ago. It turned into a pretty long list! As I thought out my next steps, I concluded that I need to set aside time each week to do research, and also time every week to write. But then that statement kind of struck me, because in fact, I DO write every week. I write every day, in fact. I takes a chunk of time to write this blog, as well as our weekly update. I wonder how realistic it is to think I can carve out even more hours in my schedule to write. But I really want to.

I took Mr. on a date tonight. It was kind of weird, and we concluded we don't actually know what to do on a date. We never really dated before we were married. It was one of those, "Hi, nice to meet you. Do you think we should get married?" kind of courtships. (OK. There was a space of 3 weeks in there, but you get the idea.) It didn't really leave a lot of time for traditional dating. Anyway, I took him out for one of his favorite meals: Vietnamese pho, ice cream, and then home to watch a movie I had picked out. Being ourselves, though, we stopped the movie in the middle to watch Mythbusters, and then finished the movie afterward. I don't think there was anything outstanding about the evening (the pho place is a regular haunt of ours, and the movie was funny but rather foul), but I think Mr. appreciated me making the effort to plan the "date". Maybe we'll have to do it again sometime.

discipline

WOW. Tired. But it's a good tired. Full day, mostly good. Awake early, partly due to the kitty. She was sitting on my chest, purring, before 5. But I also had to get up to go to the bathroom and decided to stay up. The kitty and I had a fun time chasing and hiding.

It was the day for my early walk/jog. Was out the door before 6. I really didn't WANT to do it, but I have such a good thing going—it would be a shame to break my good exercise record. Sometimes discipline begets discipline.

I saw somebody I knew as I was jogging. From a distance I thought, "Oh, look. Tourists taking photos on the riverside." But as I got closer, they greeted me and I realized I knew the mother from church. Her daughter was doing a photography project for school. I had to commend them; the early morning light was gorgeous. I will have to go out there once soon just for photo taking. The colors are SO rich.

Speaking of rich colors, Mr. and I went walking later in the day (around 2 in the afternoon; VERY hot!) and I caught a great photo, dramatic sky, brilliant colors. Nice.

On our walk we stopped at a sports store and bought me some new dumbbells. Exciting. I'm going up a step in my weights. I read an article and, from what it said, I decided my strength training was not challenging enough. I am going from 1 kilo to 1.5 kilo. It's a greater leap than what the article recommended, but it was the smallest increment I could find. I feel kind of good about pushing myself a little more.

I dozed through some devotions today. I never know if to feel bad about that or not. I think it's positive that reading God's word calms me and leaves me quite peaceful. And doing it in a comfy position on a cozy chair is very comforting—like being hugged. But… usually it results in looooooong periods of, well, meditation, shall we say? I don't know. As long as it isn't my only method of Bible study, and I actually dig down and concentrate sometimes, too. It's probably OK. Right???

I did do work today, too, but I just don't feel much like writing about that. I don't want these posts to be just lists of everything I did in a day. On the other hand I don't always have something profound or interesting to say. Maybe I need to learn a bit more about blogging.

After supper I was quite tired, and ready to call it a night. But we have a long-standing prayer and coffee date with our friends every other Thursday. So we went. Great thing is, when I got there we had such a good time catching up, I felt re-energized. I think they felt it too, because we continued chatting even after everyone agreed that we needed to wrap it up and get to bed. I don't think it was the caffeine, because I got a chai tea latte to avoid caffeine so late at night. I'm quite grateful for that relationship. I just hope none of us regret the late night tomorrow. But we're all over 30, so I suspect we might. :-P

OK. Busy day tomorrow, so for the 10th time tonight, I need to wrap it up and get to bed. One final thought: you know what I said about the cat learning to jump on my back without scratching me too much? I take it all back. She jumped up and really dug in today. Youch!!!!

out of sorts

Today just felt out of whack, because I didn't have my computer for the first half of the day. I never thought I really had a routine, but maybe I do, because the rest of the day jut felt weird. I was up early, had some devotions and ate fruit and yoghurt for breakfast.

Then I had two skype calls . One was to coach someone, and the other was someone coaching me. They both went pretty well. I had a bit of down time between the to, so I got a chicken in the crock pot. It was SO tempting smelling that thing cooking all day.

Floundered just a little bit after lunch, because I had my computer. Back to some old bad habits. Yes, the computer game. A bit of facebook and e-mails. After that the afternoon seemed to fly by.

I am leading worship at church this Sunday and I worked for over an hour to pick songs. I really hit a wall, and just couldn't figure it out. So, I took a break and did yoga, since I couldn't do it this morning (the video is on my computer). Folded laundry, did a few other puttery things, and then back at it.

Suddenly, things just fell into place. I had an order service and songs ready by supper time. I am going to prepare a dramatic reading of verses from Psalm 119, and I got a bit of a start on that, too.

Our roasted chicken was yummy, especially because we had it with left-over lentil soup. While we were eating we stumbled across Bridesmaids on TV. We got caught up in it, and boy did it make us laugh. I was a little surprised. The previews I had seen when it came out didn't interest me that much.

I am feeling a bit panicky. The week is just FLYING by, and things are piling up. I'm starting to feel out of control. Like I'm going to forget something. I don't like that feeling. First thing tomorrow morning I'm going to have to sit down and write everything out.

OK. I have to confess. I'm watching the Dog Whisperer while I'm typing. That guy is A-ma-zing.

Speaking of, my cat looks like she needs a little whispering herself. ;-)

handicapped

Well, my computer is in the shop. Just getting an upgrade to my OS, but they needed to keep it overnight. :-(  I thought surely I could survive one night without my computer, but it's a little harder than I anticipated. I'm using Mr.'s computer right now. We used to survive with just one computer between the two of us, but I can't imagine how we ever managed. I feel a little handicapped.

Speaking of, I did Zumba today. My "once a week" dose. Boy, do I enjoy it. It is so much more fun than regular exercises. However, my knee gave me a "pang" every now and then to remind me that it is not up to much more than that.

Had a meeting over lunch, had my afternoon with God at a coffee shop. Something wrong when your cup of coffee costs more than your lunch. (OK, I did eat light, but still…)

Lots of good thoughts in my half-day with God. I felt at a loss, really, to know how to connect with Him. I think I'm floundering a bit. But I read various Bible passages as they came to mind, and then read a chapter in a inspirational book. The coffee shop I was in today was blessedly quiet. If it wasn't so far from my house, I'd go there more often.

Just in case you were wondering, the tent and ceremony near our house has also been surprisingly low in volume. I mean, they are doing the chanting and traditional music, but the speakers seem to be facing away from our place, and it makes a HUGE difference!

So, I just threw a wad of crumpled up paper at a waste basket less than 3 feet away and missed. Not cool. Also, it is late (because I had to wait until Mr. was done using his computer to start blogging) and his keyboard feels so different, and I really forget the deep things I thought of during the day to write about tonight. That actually happens a lot. Maybe I should start a list or something as I think of things throughout the day. On the other hand, I figure if they were really important, I'd remember them. On the other other hand, by the time I get to the blog, I'm usually so tired I could forget my own name.

Anyway, one trivial thing that I thought of is, I have this one lock of hair that has decided its going to be wavy. In a whole head of straight hair, this looks really weird. Especially because it never fails to curl in such a way that it sticks out like a horn. :-(

That's it. Hopefully I'll have my own computer back tomorrow, and feel more normal.

full

OK, so how is this for lazy: we have scads of leftovers in our fridge, but decided to eat out this evening because heating things up would be too much work. Yeah. I'm pretty spoiled.

In my own defense, it was a pretty full day. Woke up at 3, unable to fall back to sleep for a while. Finally dozed off, only to be awakened again before 6 by a persistent (although totally irresistible) kitty. Out of the door by 6:30 to do about 45 minutes of my walk/jog by the riverside. (I'll have to research to see if that is actually an effective way to exercise. I know it gets my heart rate up more than just walking.) Shower and then off to babysit. Then to my friend's restaurant to balance the books in her absence. Home, and then out right away again to lunch with some friends. Home again, wrote an update, made some cards. We know someone who is flying to the States tomorrow, so it was "do or die" time. Delivered the cards and said good-bye to our friend.

And that brings us to supper, and to being too tired to heat up left-overs. I must say, it was a good meal, and I'm glad not to have dishes to clean up. The restaurant owner is another long-time friend of ours, and he gave us complimentary chocolate mousse at the end of the meal. Please note: I did NOT order it. I was being good. But then again, it would have been rude to refuse, right??? Oh yeah.

And I learned something new. I had a glass of red wine, which I was trying to finish before digging into the mousse. But then Mr. told me that, actually, red wine and chocolate go very well together. I was incredulous, but tried it anyway. And WOW!!!! A few bites of chocolate mousse, and then a sip of red wine and something magical happens. It's like the cocoa sings and zings around in your mouth! I never would have guessed it.

Home again, I was leaning close to the mirror to look at my face (OK. I was picking a pimple. I admit it.) and the kitty, as she sometimes does, jumped onto my back and hung on with her claws. But I must say, she is developing a bit more finesse to it, because she rarely ever digs into flesh any more. Nothing but clothing. I bent over a little more, and swept a hand back around her rump, to keep her from falling off. And wouldn't you know it, she just sat right there, stretched full-length along my spinal cord, purring away. And she really didn't want to move. She stayed for over 5 minutes, even when I walked to another room and finally laid on my belly across our bed. I could feel the rumble of her purrs. It was really sweet, if not a little strange.

Now she's yowling. I think she wants to play. I need to get this done and give her a bit of play time before I totally hit a wall. Been a good day, though.

rested

Good news: Someone at church today asked if I had been losing weight. Yippee!!!

Bad news: Celebrated with a hot fudge sundae. Booo. (I blame my parents.)

Good news: For the first time ever I successfully tied a knot in a cherry stem with my tongue! :-D (At least I achieved that significant milestone before I was 40!)

Now, you all know what that means, I'm sure. But you should have heard us trying to explain it to my mom last night. She had never heard of such a thing, and furthermore, thought we were kidding her that it means you're a good kisser. She simply didn't believe us. I told her to ask my sister.

It was a good day. Rested. Didn't stress about much of anything. Out for a flaming beef breakfast, a bit of Bible study, card making and the UFC. That's right, Ultimate Fighting. MMA (mixed martial arts). Mr. and I like watching it. The first few fights were just OK, but the main event was GREAT. And the guy I was rooting for won. :-) That made my whole day.

So, I am double motivated to make an early start tomorrow morning and hit my exercises. One, encouragement—because I have had feedback that something I'm doing is working. And two, guilt—because I had that hot fudge sundae tonight.

(But it was so good. But so bad. Good. Bad. Good…bad…goo…b…—oh, forget it.)

I might have some help getting up early tomorrow, because they're setting up another…Dang…TENT in our street. Bahhh! We'll see how early and how long the noise goes. :-( It really makes it very unpleasant to be in your own home. Will keep you posted as to what event we are being "blessed" with, and how many days it's supposed to last. Blast.

Anyway, all those factors together convince me that I need to wrap this up and get to bed as early as I can.

reclusive

Stayed in all day. Good, although I always feel in a slight daze after a day like today. Not that things weren't accomplished; the achiever side of me is reasonably pleased. (Of course, I expected to get more done.) But being to yourself all day is just…well, strange.

And the cat slept ALL day. More than usual, which is a lot. I started worrying, she slept so much. But in the last hour or so she has been up and seems to be her normal self. (See the photo as proof!) :-)

I determined it was to be a studying day. I tried. Faltered a bit here and there, but kept at it anyway. Also got in some devotions and exercise, did a load of laundry and washed the dishes. I am coming to the strange realization that I could probably be a 1950's June Cleaver-type housewife and be pretty fulfilled doing so. Weird.

Anyway, I started out reading a book, and it subtly upset me. I wasn't even completely aware of it. But I only got a few pages read and then I set the book down and played a computer game for over a half an hour. Not at all what I wanted to do. As I thought about it later, I realized I was feeling angry and frustrated, and just wanted to do something to get my mind off of things.

Stupid way to handle things, really. Not good at all. When things upset me, I need to go to God.

The reason I was upset is I am concluding that the way we do missions today is all wrong. Not just that it's broken and we need to fix it; I mean we need to scrap the whole system all together. I think I read the book with growing frustration as they identified problems with the system, and suggested solutions. I think the system IS the problem. In any case, I'm not interested in being part of it any more.

But how did I deal with it today? Flee to mindlessness. I am increasingly convicted that that is not God's best for me. But it's such an ingrained habit. And easy. And effortless.

So, in the afternoon I did a search on a specific word in the Hebrew Bible, practiced reading, and recorded every nuance of meaning I found. While I did that I backed up my computer onto an external hard drive. Both were rather tedious tasks, and I felt pretty brain-weary by supper time.

After a little TV Mr. and I called my parents, who are visiting my grandma. I got to talk to all three. It was pretty good; I always love hearing from my grandma. My parents, though, went on and on about this hot fudge sundae they had eaten at lunch. I don't think they intended to torment me, but now all I want is something decadent and sweet. And I had done so well keeping my portions reasonable for supper. (after a salad at lunch!) Good thing we don't have any sweets around the house, or I would be totally consuming it right now. As it is, I'm longing for a bowl of cereal. What is my solution? A glass of cold water. I have already drunk one. I'll be needing another here soon.

I don't think my parents know how hard I'm working to shape up. I hope people really notice a difference when we go back to the US in about 6 months from now.

OK. I'm getting another glass of water. AND a few small slices of bread with strawberry jam. Look, at least it's not a hot fudge sundae! 

soggy

The biggest news today is that it rained. Poured down for a good hour. It is truly about time for the rainy season to start, so it should have come as no surprise. We haven't had rain for quite a while, and many have been wishing for it. I like it just fine myself, when I can sit cozily inside and watch it. But unfortunately, today it waited until we stepped out the door to go somewhere to start raining. And boy did it come down.  We waited for a while for it to slow, but eventually just had to get to the meeting. (Remember, we drive a motorbike here.) We were pretty much soaked by the time we got there.

Other than that, a pretty good day. Had a LOT of trouble waking up this morning. Just felt SO weary. As I struggled to get myself out of bed, God asked me (at least I think it was Him) why it was so important to be up by 6. I must admit, I didn't really have anything pressing this morning. I argued that I just needed to get at things. I needed to get up and be productive. Everyone I know lives a life of perpetual busyness. I don't know any other way. But I felt Him urging me, as He did yesterday, to just rest.

So I did. I think I dozed off again, and then had some quite prayer time and devotional reading in bed. Sometime in there the cat came in and curled up against my legs. It was perfect.

And I was still up out of bed before 8.

I exercised and then ran to the restaurant quickly to check on something. Back home, showered, and ready in time for a 10:00 skype meeting. That over, did some e-mailing, went to the market and then Mr. made sandwiches for lunch.

After lunch I worked for a while to get a meal in the crock pot. I burned a few knuckles on a frying pan as I was cooking things up. Ouch. After a short break to catch my breath, we were off to that meeting. In the pouring rain. Soggy.

When I go home I went out purposefully to take photos. I haven't been conscientious about doing that recently. Got some good shots, both of things and people. But I decided on a non-people shot today. It was just too visually fun. I will continue to look for beauty in people—I am seeing it more and more—but I find so many other good and interesting shots. I don't promise to post people photos exclusively.

There is this tree by our house; big with brilliant red blossoms. I posted a shot of some of the flowers once a while ago. But today when I passed by it, I realized I hadn't really SEEN it in a good long while. How sad to walk by such beauty on a daily basis and not stop to appreciate it. I definitely noticed today. I hope I am more conscious of it in the future.

Back home, straightened the house. We had friends over for supper and a movie. It was a great visit, even though one of them is allergic to cats. We shut the kitty in the bedroom, but our visitor still sneezed a good bit, from all the cat fur flying about. We shut the cat in the bedroom, but that didn't seem to make much difference. It was a good evening anyway.

We just let the kitty out of the bedroom, though, after about 4 hours and boy is she rammy. She needs to burn off a good bit of energy before bed tonight. So I'd better get at it.

furthermore

To continue some of the thoughts I was having yesterday: I see the needs here as deeply spiritual. However, most people look to materialism and modernization as their sole hope for happiness and security. Not too different from developed countries. Only here, I have observed that when people reach a certain level of success or power, they get more vindictive and surly than ever. They seem to develop amnesia about how it felt to be the little guy, and do the very things they hated when they themselves were weak and defenseless.

My personal theory is that when they attain the status or position they had so longed for, they find themselves still just as empty, afraid, and lost. Therefore they turn on others, to make them feel small and hopeless. Only in that way can they bolster their self-esteem, even if just for a moment.

That's my take on it.

Good day. Exercise, shower, meeting. Got to spend some time connecting with and coaching a very neat person. Home, then to the restaurant. Ate a burrito —after I photographed it for an ad in a travel guide, of course. Fun. On my way home I only half-heartedly tried to snap some photos for the blog tonight for three reasons: 1) I just wasn't inspired, 2) people are hard to shoot—they keep moving! and 3) my camera battery was almost dead from the burrito photo shoot. Maybe I'll post one of the burrito photos.

Kind of hoping the producers of the travel guide will like my work and call on me to do more photography or design for them. That would be cool.

While I was at the restaurant, a customer broke a glass. The staff was all in a dither, trying to figure out how much to charge them for the loss of the item. When I finally figured out what they were doing, I told them you don't charge for broken items, and reassured the customer that it was OK. The staff was confused. They told me THEY have to pay if they break anything. I told them yes, that's because they're EMPLOYEES. You don't charge customers for breakage. Ha! Long way to go before understanding customer service.

Back home, prepared and sent off the burrito photos, and also prepared some business card files to send, so that the company can get them printed. Wrote various e-mails. Helped Mr. prepare lentil soup.

With about an hour for it to simmer, I was at a loss for what to do next. I have a long "to do" list, but was low on motivation. I just wanted to sit and be quiet and God seemed to ask me, well, what was wrong with that? I figured it was a waste of time. God asked me why I felt like I always had to be accomplishing something. Why not just sit and talk with Him and rest? I must admit, it was hard to do. Why are we so driven to achieve???

Anyway. I tried. Numerous interruptions, including 2 phone calls. But I did try. Supper, TV. Now blogging, next: time with the kitty, then to bed.

foreign

Did a good bit of walking today, on my way to and coming back from a hair cut. Finally. Long overdue for a trim.

I get so sick of being treated like a tourist. Unfortunately, my beautician has her shop along the riverside, which is a major tourist place. And what was I doing? Snapping photos. Can you blame them for thinking I'm a new arrival?

And when I see foreigners here I think, "They just don't belong." They stick out. They look so out of place. And, despite my level of comfort and familiarity here, I look just like them. My face, hair, body keep me from belonging. I will always be a foreign element here.

And sometimes I think it's true. I just don't belong here. These people don't need me. Nor do they want what I have to offer. Oh, yes, there are a lot of needs here, but no one likes the answers I bring. No one actually wants to change or do the hard work required to truly solve the pressing problems here.

And I DO think it's probably time for me to go.

I was ticked for a while, walking down that street getting hassled every 10 steps to buy something, give something, ride something. Still I tried to find it. Beauty in people. (Of course, looking terribly like a tourist.) Not so successful on my way to the beauty shop.

I must state now, for the record, that hair cuts is one thing I'm going to miss when we leave here. I realize you can still get your hair cut in the US, but it won't compare to the experience here. The shampooing takes a good 10 minutes, and is a sudsy head massage. My shop also includes a face massage with a cold cucumber mask to boot. Ahhh. And often, when the hair cut is over, a girl will come rub your shoulders, back, arms. Of course there is complementary coffee or tea, too. Yes. I am completely spoiled. I will miss hair cuts in the States.

My mood lightened by all the pampering, I started home. I took a different route, too, avoiding most of the tourist section. Saw more people just going about every-day life. And I saw the beauty.

I tried to inconspicuously snap one old lady who was sitting on a curb. She caught me at it, and seemed a bit put out. Having already put her off, I took the photo anyway. A few blocks later I saw another old lady. Resisted the urge to point my camera at her. She glanced up and saw me looking. I slowly smiled at her, and a beautiful smile spread across her face as well. It's a conundrum. I wanted more than anything to capture that beautiful moment in a photo, but it would never have happened if I had inserted the camera between me and her. I hope I remember that image for a long while.

And yet there is a sadness to that moment too. I can not feel gentleness toward these people without also feeling the depth of their lostness. And I sense acutely  my own powerlessness to change things.

Seeing and softening have a price. And it's time for me to go.

Ended the day with burgers and fries and friends, for game night. Back VERY late. Just have to post this blog and play with the poor ignored little kitty (not really, she just thinks so) and then I can get to bed.

excellent

A truly excellent day. Started off with devotions, exercise. Shopping at the market, and then a cancelled skype coaching appointment. (Well, so the day wasn't perfect, but close.) Got food in the crock pot.

I must add, preparing food is an extremely satisfying task. I don't quite know why, except that it speaks of nurture and care and providing for Mr. (and me). There, too, is a slightly creative element to it. It also feels like order and rhythm and plenty. Then I washed the dishes, which just topped off the sense of domestic organization. Sigh. Good feeling.

Then we worked on a video for friends in the US; just a short hello and well wishes. Called someone to set up a meeting later in the week.

Mr. made lunch and we napped for a bit. Then I was off for my afternoon with God.

I wrestled with Him a while about my dad. He seems like a lost cause. Those who know him would agree; I don't think I'm being overly harsh. Got some more discouraging news during the chat on father's day. I simply don't know how to pray for him any more, and to be honest, my motivation to do so is very low. I know this isn't right, and so God and I needed to have a talk. It is not easy.

But, the time was very good—wrestling included. I need these times to get my mind and heart and emotions in line. I need to hold onto the lessons throughout the rest of the week. A nice bonus to the afternoon: it was free! I went to my regular coffee shop, but I had filled up my rewards card, so there was no charge for my coffee! Decaf café mocha. I don't quite know if there is anything that beats it!

Walked home. Found some beautiful things to photograph—all the while anticipating the crock pot stew I had started earlier in the day. Yum! Nice. It was just as good as I thought it would be.

All in all a great day. My body aches, though, from the exercises this morning. Strength training. I did reps with weights and squats and push-ups and sit-ups. It just makes a body feel weary and sore the rest of the day. Tomorrow is yoga, though. It's my "fun" routine. (I know, however, that I should soon move up to the next level in the series, which will probably not be nearly as enjoyable!)

Something encouraging, though: my belt could do with another hole punched in it, because on the farthest hole my pants still kind of hang on my hips. Progress. Yes!

back

I'm back! Yippee!!  Compared to the past week, this has been an excellent day!

The day started with hours of conversations with family. I mean HOURS. First we called Mr.'s dad. Of course, talked to his mom a bit too. Then called my dad. And talked to my mom. That was a longer conversation. Then called my sister, whose birthday was this past week too. And talked a loooooooong time. Yeah. It took almost all morning. But good to be in touch with all those special people.

A little time wasting. Little.

Then exercise. I did Zumba—nothing like starting off with the most intense routine right after a long break. Well, I didn't quite make it all the way through. But it's a start. My knee seemed pretty solid, but it aches just a little bit tonight. I will only do Zumba once a week to start.

Lunch. Off to my friend's restaurant. She is out of the country for a few weeks, and I said I'd help her with the accounts. Crazy. I am not great at money and figuring. But I think I can do it. I counted up and recorded things today. All safely in the safe. I hope everything goes OK. It seems like a big responsibility.

Home. Wrote our weekly update. Prepared a few more e-mails and sent them out. Soup for supper. Followed by cinnamon rolls. The last remnants of the baking day I had with the ladies this weekend.

Now after the blog I'll find a recipe for supper tomorrow. We're off to a good start for this week.

The only thing that was missing was devotions. I didn't spend any time with God. I didn't think of it until later in the day. So, actually, not such a good start to the week. Boo. When is it going to become necessary like breathing or eating?? Half day with Him tomorrow, but when is it going to be moment by moment, every day?

OK. Still have a ways to go.

I was talking with Mr. yesterday, expressing relief that my "funk" was passing. He wondered at my concern at feeling down. He pointed that nobody can feel up and happy all the time. He has a point. It's unrealistic to expect to always be in good spirits. I think it worries me because my dad has struggled with depression. It has been a problem all his life. I am so afraid of falling into that pit like he did. It does terrible things to a person.

improving

Yes. Better day today. I think I'm almost through this.

Slept in a bit. Had the responsibility of leading worship this afternoon at church, which was kind of a joke considering my frame of mind most of this past week. So, I decided I'd better do something about it. Studied a Psalm for a while. Played with the cat, and then studied a bit more.

Spent about an hour preparing what I wanted to say for worship. Then had lunch. After that, yes. Some time wasting. But I didn't feel QUITE so bad about it, having done good things with the morning. Anyway, still room for improvement.

I am going to get on top of things this week. Plan meals. Pick up my exercise routine. Actually go out and get good photos. This week is going to be so much better.

The worship went well. People told me they appreciated it. I'm so glad. God did it in spite of me.

Rewarded ourselves with pasta and wine at a nice italian place, and then a scoop of chocolate ice cream. That's the end of the indulgence. And now I need to get to bed. A good day tomorrow is going to start with a good bed time tonight.

Oh. One final note. Mr. has begun studying about "sabbath" in the Bible, in preparation for our sabbatical next year. You can see that the Israelites did not observe the sabbaths like God commanded them to. Their subsequent exile added up to the number of sabbath years they skipped. If you neglect to take your sabbaths, sometimes God makes you stop in spite of yourself.

Anyway, I was just wondering if this past week's sickness was God's way of making me stop. My knee feels a lot better than it did last week; much stronger. Maybe God knew I was too stubborn to stop on my own, so He had to put me out of commission for a while. Hopefully I can resume exercise without irritating it.

wrestling

Slight improvement today. Few traces of my cold left. Still slept in too late. Still wasted time with computer games. Still didn't exercise.

However, I worked for a while on a Hebrew word study; something I had started quite a while ago. Felt good to make some progress on that, although it showed again how far I have to go before I can claim to have any grasp of the Hebrew language.

Joined some ladies for baking this afternoon. Still kind of down, sort of grumpy about being there. I just showed up because I had committed to being there. Didn't really want to get involved. But gradually my foul mood started lifting. I started enjoying myself—in spite of myself.

Actually arrived back home rather upbeat. And with lots of pastries.

It was dusk by then, and I went out to try to grab a shot on the waning light. Didn't come up with anything very good.

People are a lot harder to photograph than inanimate objects. Mostly because non-living things don't seem to mind if you shoot them obsessively from different angles, and they don't care how long you take to do it. People start to notice after the second or third shot, so there isn't as much chance to get things just so.

But I am starting to see better. The beauty in a face, in a gesture, in a silhouette. I just have to get better at capturing it with the camera.

I realized today that in the past the answer to my "funks" or down times has always been to jump into activity and accomplish something. I get value and satisfaction out of achievement. But that really shouldn't be the place I look for relief. My self-worth and peace of mind should come from my standing with God. Only, when I'm down, I don't remember all the good things about being His child, and I am really not in the mood to go looking for Him. Pity, though. When He's exactly what I need. Stupid to try to wrestle the depression on my own.

I can' get over Mr. and the cat. I swear he treats her too rough; almost like you would a dog. But she has this place she goes to; it's their special spot (on a bar type area with a Tiger beer mat), and he scratches her and pets her until she almost falls over. And wouldn't you know it, she always comes up purring. It looks painful to me, her ears are back and feet braced. She tries to nip and pounce. But she seems to love it. And then she wants to play, play, play. They chase all around the house, and it ends where it began—back onto her little Tiger mat where she gets another man massage with Mr.'s massive hands.

I, on the other hand, just want to hold her, cuddle her, "gentle" her, as I call it. Mr. says I simply don't know anything about cats. ??? Maybe he's right.

failing

I simply had no self discipline today. No drive, no motivation. Still tired, still recovering. But better every day, so why does it seem like I am doing worse and worse personally? Self-control, low. Desire, low. Satisfaction, low.

My only saving grace today was that I had somewhere to be from 8:30 to about 3. That helped me stay busy and kept me from just being a blob. Visited a friend's work, helped critique a project, then out for lunch and a great conversation with her. Three to about six was a total veg-out waste. Six to nine a double date with friends.

So, there you have it. A good day full of meaningful things in spite of me. I really hope I shake this fog off soon. Still trying to shake the remnants of this cold.

In fact, I am feeling quite unmotivated to blog tonight. Half-heartedly stole shots from the back of a moving moto today. NOT the way to get anything good, although it makes downloading more fun because it's like a lottery. You don't quite know what you got, but here's hoping it's something good.

(Lucky. Found something usable.)

OK. I'm going to stop fighting this day. End it, go to bed. Hope for something better tomorrow. At least each morning always provides a chance to start new.

faltering

Slept much better. Woke to a kitty sitting purring on my chest, staring intently at my face. Nice. Did I exercise? No. Did I do any of the good things I intended to do? No. Did I waste time shamelessly on computer games? Yes.

Fortunately I had a mid-morning meeting, so the passage of time and necessity finally forced me to stop my wanton ways and get ready for productivity. A little more faltering after the meeting, and then I left the house for lunch and time with God.

Trying, trying, to shake off the malaise of my illness.

Lunch. Had to wait, wait, waaaait. Impatience began building. They apologized. Had to make parts of my food from scratch because they didn't have any already prepared. Then it came, and yummmm. The difference a fresh batch makes. Impatience melted away, replaced by a feeling of foolishness. I munched and savored.

Time with God. Wanted to be distracted. Play Angry Birds. Judge the people sitting around me.

One foreigner. I fear he was the Proverbs simpleton. Older man, tutoring a young national. Female. I know how culture prescribes that she should act, dress. It all seemed improper. No, not from a Western standpoint. Pretty natural for a young western co-ed. But not here. Warning signs, red flags. She showed so much leg. She gazed so intently. She giggled and flirted. Middle-aged man. Loving it, probably with purely humanitarian motives, rationalizing his involvement, but loving it anyway. Her drawing him in, inviting, offering. Old fool. Praying for him to flee. For her not to sell her soul for a false hope and future.

A few weeks ago I saw a prostitute actually drawing two tourists to her. I saw her, spike stilettos, one-piece tube dress that barely covered what it needed to. Broad daylight. I glanced out the window and noticed her—she assaulted the eyes—briefly wondered why she was walking so fast, fell back to my reading. Turning a page, I looked out the window again. She was still there, now walking at a painfully awkward, slow pace. Why, I wondered? Oh. She had managed to get herself in front of two men, wandering maps in hand. Only when she came almost to a stand-still so that they had to stop to avoid her, did they notice her. But it worked. They asked directions. I saw her point to the maps; exchange words, glances. Off they walked, now a group of 3. Amazing.

I do not pity those three. It was so obvious, so blatant. I worry for these two in the coffee shop. Subtle. So easily rationalized, justified from either side. All the more dangerous. God help them.

And I wonder why it is hard for me to see beauty into people. Do I read in ugliness when it isn't there?

Maybe sometimes.

Do I know how to be a light here?

Not at all.

celebrating

So, today. It started out rough. Awake before 4, my mind wouldn't be still and let me fall back asleep. So I got up and did some work. Around 6 I headed back to bed to try to get some more sleep. Almost gave up again, but thought, "This is ridiculous. Just quiet your mind!" And I did. And got a few more hours of sleep.

Up, showered, had a skype call. Coaching at first, but they are also friends of ours, so the husband jumped on later and we all (four of us) talked another half an hour or so. I needed to go meet someone, so I excused myself a little early. Had the meeting, Mr. came and picked me up.

His birthday was today. He really doesn't like much fuss or celebration. And so, don't ask me how he got not one but TWO parties today. The first one he shared with our friends' two year old. It was a swimming/pizza party. We told him it was for the little guy. Then, later, our whole Hebrew class went out for supper and ice cream. Even though we sang Happy Birthday, we assured him the outing was because it was our last class before the summer break. I am not sure he bought either explanation, but he did seem to enjoy himself anyway. :-)

I was a bit worried how I would keep up with such a busy day, still being half sick. I started out feeling kind of bad, but as the day wore on I felt better and better. Now it's almost midnight and I'm actually kind of wired. Something seems backwards about that. Could be the ice cream. I hope it doesn't keep me from sleeping tonight.

The kitty is sure a bundle of energy tonight. She was alone from about 1:30 to 10:00 or so. Poor thing. Quite entertaining, even though her idea of a fun game right now is to attack and chew on my hand.

I got some beautiful shots of colorful balls floating in the pool today, but then remembered my goal to find beauty in people. I like the strong verticals is this shot. It's a nice shot, even though I REALLY wanted to post the pretty balls.

No exercise today. I still couldn't motivate my sick body to push itself in that way. Maybe tomorrow, although now that I've broken the rhythm, I can tell it's going to be tough to get back into it. :-( I hate getting sick. It just throws everything out of whack.

improving

Yes, a bit better today, but not 100%. I got out of the house for one meeting today, but it pretty much wiped me out. It is discouraging not to be able to accomplish all that you'd like. I had hoped to spend the afternoon with God, but came home and slept instead. I suppose it's what my body needed.

I have missed two days of exercise this week, just because I have felt so lousy. Maybe I'll ease back into my routine tomorrow with a bit of yoga. Hopefully I'll feel up to it.

Tomorrow is potentially a big day; we have a lot planned. It's Mr's birthday. Not that he wanted a celebration or anything like that (he's not really into holidays or ceremony). However, he's going to get not one but TWO parties tomorrow. One is a joint birthday party with our friends' two year old. Pizza and swimming. Pretty good. And the second is going out for supper with our Hebrew teacher and a few friends after Hebrew class. I hope he enjoys the day in spite of all the fuss… I hope I'm up for all the activity!

That's it for now. I need to get to bed. Although I got out a bit today, I didn't get any people photos. It's been a while since you've seen the kitty, though, so I got a nice shot of her. I am particularly pleased with the reflection in the tile floor, although I wish the computer cord was not in the shot. Oh well.