reading

It's really late, and today was relatively uneventful. I had two skype calls; one at 8 in the morning, one at 8 in the evening. We had a mid-morning brunch, then I came back and read lots of stuff for my on-line class. I fought sleep a lot of the time, and apparently did not fight it very successfully. Somehow 3 hours slipped by me, with relatively little reading progress. I moved from reading on my bed (yeah, big mistake) to reading on a rather uncomfortable upright chair at the kitchen table. Big improvement. I had a coaching meeting at 4, and really enjoyed the time I spent with the young lady. Back home, TV, supper, another skype (mentioned above) and another hour or so of reading. I almost forgot to blog all together. I am so tired that, although I was again sitting in the hard, straight-backed kitchen chair, I still nodded off a few times. :-(

In any case, I got lots of really great photos from today. They were all taken going to and coming from my coaching engagement. Some were pretty beautiful, some were really quite unique and interesting. I had trouble choosing, but finally went for the pretty one. Although it is rather interesting as well. 

I am eager to be off to bed, and so that's it for tonight.

finished

First of all, I just wanted to say that only someone calloused from a lifetime in church (like me) could pass over the first line of the song in yesterday's blog completely without comment. "Pardon for sin." Yeah, yeah. Of course. Now on to the important stuff.

*sigh* Shameful. 

Second, I am working on my blog first, before I weigh in on the discussion topics for my on-line course. You get my finest and freshest writing efforts tonight!

And third, I was sitting in the last of our three-day seminars today when I realized just how finished I am with some things.

I'm finished being an expert. 

I'm finished arguing about things dogmatically that no one can really know for sure anyhow.

I'm finished owning outcomes, especially when they are dependent on other people. 

I'm finished being one of the people that claim Kingdom work as a profession.

I'm finished attempting to be someone I am not.

I'm finished trying to give people things they need but don't want.

Yeah. It wasn't a bad day, exactly, but it was a bit rough. To be fair, I got less than 5 hours of sleep last night, so that colored my whole outlook.

So, I was a facilitator for this training. Throughout I have tried not to come across as the expert or imparter of wisdom. Whenever it was my turn to facilitate, I always tried to lead with questions and let them discover things themselves.

Unfortunately, we seemed to have a lot of people in the room who did think themselves expert in one area or another. I found they sometimes hijacked the conversation to pour out their knowledge. 

My mistake was to respond in kind, and at one point today I violated my own principle and started sharing an opinion I feel pretty strongly about.

In the middle of what I was saying, someone else just said flat out, "I absolutely don't agree with that." I was completely thrown. I am not a debater. I do not like conflict. My credibility has been doubted so many times before that I am extremely gun-shy. I floundered and faltered. I looked at Mr., lost, and he gallantly picked up my cause, at least finishing the thought I had been trying to convey.

Later another lady, misunderstanding me, tried to advise me in using the national language. Yes, she has been here longer than I have, but she is, by her own admission, not good in the language. It irritated me even further. 

Sure, so my own pride was hurt in these two exchanges, and I have to own that part of the problem is that I wanted recognition for knowing things, just like those people did. 

But why? Why do we so desperately want to be the answer givers? I believe more and more that one person's answers rarely fit another person. Not that there isn't absolute truth, because there is. I'm just finished fighting about it.

contradictions

So, I really did see beauty today, but I didn't stop to take a photo of anything until this evening. The day has been busy non-stop, from early morning until late.

In spite of that fact, it has been a rather reflective day. Not sure, really, how that happened. But I like it.

So, we (Mr. and I) were helping once again with this storytelling workshop. They started the day by singing a song, and someone requested "Great is Thy Faithfulness". We all sang the first, most familiar, verse and the chorus and stopped. I don't think many people felt sure of the words from there. I, however, grew up in an old conservative church, and so the words of the second verse started rolling through my head. And they struck me in a new way with their depth, richness, and timeliness. 

"Pardon for sin, and a peace that endureth,"

"Thine own dear presence, to cheer and to guide."

"Strength for today and bright hope for tomorrow,"
"Blessings all mine, plus ten thousand beside."

Peace has been Jesus' most recent message to my heart, and before that He was working to remind me of His continual presence. Well, that one is an ongoing process. 

For almost 2 years now Mr. and I have been begging for guidance, but still feel that we have very little clarity. Almost like God is asking us to depend on Him to get through today, and trust Him for tomorrow.

Peace, God's presence, strength, and hope. Really, each of those are huge gifts. 10,000 other ones? I thought I was doing well to make a list of 1,000. Guess I have a ways to go.

It was a beautiful devotional moment, so personal and fitted exactly to my current needs. All in the middle of a crowded, noisy meeting room.

Later, as the participants were working in small groups, I sat in a corner and did some required reading for a coaching class we're taking first thing tomorrow (as in 6:00 am). It outlined four personality types. I've taken tests like this before; everyone has their own system. But today's reading really clarified and confirmed a suspicion that has been gradually dawning in my mind.

I am a walking mass of contradictions.

Out of the four personality types, one really resonated with me. The Bible character who shared this personality was Mary (as in Lazarus' and Martha's sister). Cool. I like her. We're all supposed to be like her and not like that busy sister of hers. Relational, reflective, encouraging. More interested in people than in tasks. I was pretty pleased with where I had fallen out.

However, they also asked us to identify our secondary personality type, and wouldn't you know it, the one I picked used Martha as an example. Type A, task oriented, achiever. Busy and efficient. 

Really? Could they be any more opposite?? No wonder I often feel an inner conflict when I have to make a choice about how to spend my time, or about what my priorities should be. I have a kind of schizophrenic battle of these two very different sisters going on in my heart and mind. Seriously uncool.

I also realized that before coming to this Asian country, I think the traits would have been reversed. In the US, our goal-oriented, success-glorifying culture affirmed and rewarded the more Martha-like parts of me. Although I had Mary-like tendencies, my task orientation was definitely the dominant side.

Living in a more relation Asian culture, working in people-focused ministry, and repeatedly facing frustration as I continually failed to achieve my desired results—all these things have shaken my Martha confidence and pushed me more toward Mary.

Not a bad shift, really, but I still have to deal with these two polar opposites fighting within me. But at least I am now aware of the cause of the tension I often feel.

I wonder if the real Mary and Martha ever learned to get along???

soapbox

This is going to be a rather short entry, I hope, because I got on a rant while posting for my on-line class, and wrote for a whole hour. My writing itch having been scratched, I shut down my computer for the night, cleaned up in the kitchen, played a bit with the cat and started heading for bed. Only then did I remember that I had neglected my blog! Oh my.

Not that I'm tired of writing, but I somehow felt that my need had been satisfied after waxing eloquent for my class discussion forum. It's their fault, really. They got me on one of my favorite soapboxes. Mostly about the gentle mercy AND fierce justice of God, and how these days people want one, but not the other. (I'll let you guess which one.) But don't get me started.

Anyway, a day full of enjoyable pursuits. I coached first thing this morning, and gave too much advice. I'll have to back myself off and just stick to questions. Then to the storytelling seminar. We helped facilitate, and I think everyone is enjoying it. I'm just wondering if it's the best use of my time. Then to an hour and a half of Biblical Hebrew. Didn't embarrass myself, so that counts as a good class. Home, left-overs for supper, posting on my on-line class, then blogging. Full day.

Just one story to relate, and then to bed. Yesterday we met with the other facilitators for this training. During the meal/meeting I snapped a few photos, trying to find something beautiful. The others (besides Mr.) wanted to know why I was taking photos of random things. I then explained the whole premise behind this blog. One thousand days of finding beauty. They were mildly bemused, and I found myself, for the first time, a little shy about the endeavor. Weird feeling. I have never felt apologetic for this exercise before.

But it'll take more than a few puzzled expressions to turn me back now.

disjointed

Well, today was another strange one. I really didn't feel like I had much control at all over what I did today.

I was up kind of early, because I needed to post for my on-line class before 11 am. I still had a lot of reading to do, but decided to cut it short and work on my writing instead. It was a rush to the deadline and I needed to edit my work a little more before putting it up for everyone to read, but I got my reflections posted in time.

Just as I was logging into the class website, a friend called telling me he was going to his art studio, and would gladly take my broken tiles with him. I threw my posts onto the class forum, changed my clothes and rushed to meet him. We went to a near-by tile/hardware shop. Months ago I had been looking for broken tiles to do mosaic work for that restaurant I was (am) decorating. They didn't have any then. So, imagine my surprise last week when I stopped by and they told me they had been saving broken tiles for me.  !!!!

My friend rents a room to use as an art studio. He collects old pieces of wood and such, and had a load to take today. He offered to pick up my tiles and store them there for me. Well, we arrived at the tile place, and they really did have a LOT of tiles. I'd say around 100. They are all white or off-white, so not a lot of color choices, but quite a treasure anyway.

OK. So, tiles delivered, I rushed back home for a shower and lunch, before Mr. and I went to a meeting for that 3-day storytelling seminar we're helping with, starting tomorrow. It went well, and although I can tell it's going to make our lives hectic busy, I think I will enjoy it anyway.

Back home, I grabbed paint clothes and headed to the restaurant. I have been working slowly, little by little, on the second "phase" of the decorating, and I promised I would go get a little bit more done today. If I had not made that promise, I would probably have stayed home. I was whupped. But, as I worked (painting texture onto a wall) I sort of forgot to be tired. When I returned home for supper, I was pretty happy and chipper.

Not even the nationals could get me down. I don't mean the ones at the restaurant who know me; they're quite enjoyable. Just the ones on my walk to and fro, who assume I'm a tourist and say or do rude things. Sometimes they talk about me in the local language, assuming I can't understand. Other times they are aggressive about begging or soliciting my business. But today I managed to maneuver through the minefields with grace (mostly). I only retorted once, and I wasn't really even mad when I did so. I just wanted him to know I could understand everything he was saying. OK. So, I guess I could have refrained from saying anything.  :-P

I often wish walking down the sidewalk from one place to another wasn't such a battle.

So, I ended the day feeling like I had been pulled here and there by random things. But as I listed my activities off in my head, a certain pattern became apparent. Writing, art, storytelling, more art. That sounds so much like who I am! How did the day end up fitting me so perfectly?? I guess things aren't as disjointed as I thought they were.

uncomfortable

Well, today. Another weird one. I think this weather is getting to me. That and my hectic schedule. And not enough sleep.

Up at 5:30, after going to bed at 12:30. Housework, short devotions, reading for my on-line class. Breakfast, coaching meeting at 8. Showered, and off to a meeting at 10.

It was an orality meeting; a meeting for people who are trying to use Bible storytelling in their work and ministries. I am good at storytelling, and believe it's the absolutely best way to do things here. Most people here learn best from the spoken word. But am I doing it? No. Do I intend to do it? Not really. We're leaving at the end of this year. We're tired and the thought of starting something new at this point sounds totally overwhelming. So what was I doing there today? I don't know. I felt like a total fake.

What's worse, I'm helping lead a storytelling workshop the last three days of this week. Why did I commit to that?? Besides being a complete fraud, I have so much other work to do! I hope I don't end up regretting this decision (more than my general misgivings at this moment).

Lunch, home. I succumbed and laid down for a short nap. Maybe a half an hour, I thought. I was just so tired from the short night. Well, two hours later Mr. shook me awake, wondering if I had plans for the afternoon. Boy did I! Not that I had any meetings I had to be at or anything, but there were a lot of things I had wanted to accomplish. What a way to screw up an afternoon.

I must admit, however, I did feel a lot better.

Mr. is so funny with the cat. He came walking through the living room a bit after my nap, holding the cat in his arms on her back. Her legs were all sticking up, this way and that. But she didn't seem worried; she actually seemed pretty relaxed. The thing is, he's carried her this way since she was little, and she trusts him, even though it goes against all "cat wisdom" about the proper way to make a cat feel secure. Which is, to hold it right-side up, and support all of its feet.

It struck me that I am like a cat on its back. For almost two years now Mr. and I have been in a kind of limbo. Our future is unsure, there is no discernible plan. We keep asking God for guidance, but it is really slow in coming and everything is still very unclear.

When we first found ourselves in that position, I felt upside down. I clawed and twisted to try to get my feet back under me. I fought and scratched because it was such a frightening place for me to be in. But nothing worked. I kept finding myself on my back with nothing solid to stand on.

But I think I'm learning—I HOPE I'm learning—just Whose arms I'm in. And He is completely trustworthy. He isn't going to drop me. Just because I feel out of control doesn't mean He is not in control. He's asking me to relax and trust Him, even though it isn't a comfortable position for me to be in.

Gosh, I learn a lot from that cat. ;-)

So, I've been working with renewed vigor the rest of the afternoon and on into the evening. It's now 9 and I still need to get reading done for my class. Which means it's time to wrap this post up. Hopefully I'll get to bed at a good time tonight.

thorough

Well, today was kind of weird. I spend most of it sleeping, preparing a Sunday school lesson, teaching the Sunday school lesson, and babysitting.

I was sooo tired, and slept in until about 9. Then I spent 3 hours getting my Sunday school lesson around for this afternoon. Mr. asked me how many other people probably spend that long getting ready to teach Sunday school, and I had to admit probably not many. I got around costumes and made some props, and we acted out the Bible story. I also designed a craft. The actual Sunday school hour went GREAT; probably because I was so prepared.

So, Mr. thinks it's a kind of curse that we are so thorough at things. I mean, we rarely do things half-way. It's a value of ours to do things well. But we end up working a lot longer than many other people. Sometimes they wonder what's wrong with us, why we work so slowly. And it adds stress to our lives.

But I don't know how to change it, really. If something is worth doing, it's worth doing right. I would not be satisfied if I just did it half-way.

I continue to be very tired, so I napped after lunch instead of doing reading for my on-line class. But later in the evening, once we had gotten babies to sleep (we babysat so that our friends could go out) I got a chance to do a bit of reading. Unfortunately, I'll have to read the last chapter again, because I was fading in and out of consciousness, fighting to stay away. I don't remember much of what I read.

I don't know why I'm so tired. My exercise has gone right out the window, which is a bit discouraging to me. Partly because I'm so busy, but also because I'm just weary. And it's so hot. I mean, I can exercise in an air-conditioned room, but the heat the rest of the day just saps the energy right out of you. I don't know. Maybe I'm just being a big baby.

And speaking of tired, it's close to midnight. And the cat still comes and sits on me around 4 or 5 every morning, so I need to get to bed.

About the photo, I took a nice shot of a wagon wheel with orchids hung on it this afternoon, but that is just cutesy and sort of boring. I don't know if I would call this shot (of a meat vendor selling her wares at night) beautiful, exactly, but it is much more interesting than the photo of orchids. Enjoy.

cancellation

So, I was kind of dreading today. Not that I had anything particularly hard or disagreeable to do, but I knew it was just going to be looooong. And full of people time. And I was already feeling tired and a little peopled out from the rest of the week.

I worked on reading for my Prophets on-line class most of the morning, except when the kitty was simply too cute to ignore. That was my only time to get classwork done, because I had a meeting scheduled at 12 noon, then one at 4, then a ladies' event at 6.

I still feel a bit overwhelmed by the workload for this class, in addition to various other projects I have going, and with the many meetings today, my stress level was threatening to rise. I worked hard to think about peace, and stay calm. Then, just before my first meeting, the girl I was to meet at 4 texted to say she wasn't feeling well, and needed to cancel.

Don't get me wrong; I'm not glad she was sick. But I think that God was honoring my desire to calm the anxiety in my heart, by cutting me a little slack in my schedule. Nice.

And in the end, I did truly enjoy all the time I spent with people today. Even though they were all WOMEN. The evening function was a bowling get-together. You know I don't believe I've bowled for almost 15 years. My first round was lousy, 85 or so. But the second round I got 146. I think that's good, even for when I was doing it regularly in my 20's.

It is easy to assume that there is nothing to do here. In the past it truly was a backward, undeveloped place. But things are changing all the time. I had a good time bowling and would love to do it again. Don't get me wrong; this is the only bowling alley in the country, that I know of, and it was a little rough around the edges. But really, it was not bad at all.

So, back home I worked for two hours to post more to my class forum, and now I'm blogging. In a way, I feel all "written" out. I've been composing for about 3 hours now.

Maybe I'm building up my writing muscles!

overwhelmed

So, I just feel overwhelmed. There are so many things to attend to, nothing really pressing but lots of projects hanging out there, just waiting. Waiting. If I lose my step just a bit, I will fall behind. But I don't know where to start, and so I think I just want to go to bed.

Remember that verse about peace?? Yeah. I need that. Where did it go? Oh yeah. Yesterday I said it's a choice. Whew. Time to live up to my words.

So, I had a good time of study today. Had my half day with God. Went to the same coffee shop, had my same decaf café mocha. Yum!

But I read a chapter in the Spiritual Disciplines book today, about prayer. It was good, but I am just feeling lost about it. He talked about, if we are abiding in God we will be in tune with His will, and that's why we can pray confidently, knowing that He will give us what we ask, because we're really asking for the very things He wants.

The thing is that I had an experience last year where I knew we were in the right. We were standing up for things God wants, like justice, truth, integrity. I prayed using scripture. I was SURE it was in line with the heart of God.

But we lost. The "bad" guys won.

It completely shook my confidence. In prayer, in justice, in God. I really struggled for months after that. I thought I had worked through everything, but this chapter just stirred things up.

I had to have a talk with Jesus. We met under the weeping willow tree. It had been a while. I wanted answers. I asked Him to help me see things from His perspective. I tried to just sit quietly and listen. 

I was a little surprised by the residual anger. He tried to help me see how He was working out His will in the life of every person involved.  He reminded me that people are now coming around and we are slowly being vindicated.

But I see residual damage. I have lost my way where prayer is concerned. Mr. carries deep discouragement from that time which he has not been able to shake. Other lives were affected negatively too, and I haven't yet seen them come to healing or epiphany.

He reminded me that it is up to the individual how they respond to difficulties. And that my viewpoint is VERY limited and I don't have to see or understand for it to be right.

So, I'm a little sober and pensive tonight. A lot to think about. And…well, pray about. ???

peace

So, I'm really tired tonight. A full day of people time. Plus about an hour posting and responding to posts for my on-line class. 

BUT. The kitty. She always makes me smile, and I tried to make times to play with her in the midst of my comings and goings today. So, we have a door in our apartment that has about an inch gap between the bottom of the door and the floor. The kitty has this little rope toy that just slides through that gap. So, when we leave the door open part-way, she takes her little rope and drops it on one side of the door. Then she runs to the other side of the door and sticks her paws under the door and pulls the rope through the gap. Then she runs to the opposite side of the door and repeats the game all over again. And again. And again. Of course, there are pounces and flips and tumbles in the process. That darn rope is tricky. Sometimes she comes around the door, discovers the rope waiting there, and rears up on her hind legs, front paws raised in surprise. Hilarious! I can't imagine not having her around to lighten my heart.

So, remember that verse from yesterday's post? Peace I give you, do not let your heart be troubled, etc. That one. So, I was in the middle of a coaching session, and the girl left to go to the bathroom. I was letting my mind wander, and it wandered to that verse. It ran through my thoughts a few times, and suddenly something new hit me. 

Do not LET your heart be troubled. Do not LET it be afraid.

As if I had a choice. 

But then, Jesus said it, so that must mean it's true. Do not LET your heart… He gave me His peace. As his child, it's my natural state. He did not give peace temporarily, like the world gives. It's mine forever, unless I give it away. Unless I let my heart fill with worry, fill with fear. Unless I allow those things to cloud or crowd out His peace. 

I almost heard Jesus whisper. Do not let that happen. It's your choice. I have given you MY peace. Treasure it in your heart.

When my friend came back from the bathroom just a few short minutes later, I was almost in tears. I was trying to soak in that truth, bask in the moment of revelation. I didn't want to shake myself out of such an intimate moment.

Meditation. Hmmm. Who knew?

chasing

I feel a little more on top of things today. Not under such time pressure like the last four or five days. Had a skype coaching appointment, wrote some e-mails, finished a few design projects. Had lunch, took a nap (!!!). Then studied some Hebrew and went over to my friend's to paint the back of her chest of drawers. Then Mr. picked me up for a Hebrew class.

I'm doing lettering on the back of that chest. It's an enjoyable project; I haven't tried my hand at lettering, really, since college. I didn't do it well then. But this is turning out OK. My friend is happy with it, and that's the most important thing.

I REALLY needed that nap today. I am so tired from the last few days. Especially the days I was trying to get things written for my on-line class. I went to bed late and got up early. I am low on energy now. 

I took about 6 months of biblical Hebrew last year, but it's been quite a while since I spent any time on it. I am really fuzzy on the vocabulary, and even worse on the conjugation (although that's not exactly what you call it). But I held on OK in the class. I am going to hustle to do some serious review and catch up.

I just feel like I have a lot of irons in the fire all of a sudden, and can't quite figure out how it happened. I mean, I guess I said yes to too many things, but when and how did I do that?

The worst result is that I haven't had much time for reflection or Bible study. Last Friday I took a half a day, and it was GREAT. But I want more! I am reading a book on spiritual disciplines, and the most recent chapter was about meditation. I chose the verse, "Peace I leave you, my peace I give to you. I do not give as the world gives. Do not let your heart be troubled, do not let it be afraid." (my paraphrase)

I have been trying to think about that verse every day, making it part of my mindset. Part of who I am. I hope it's working! I will say I never lost my cool, even in the midst of stressful busy-ness.

So, when I started writing tonight Mr. was chasing the cat around the house. That's where this entry got its name. She seemed to like it, and when he walked away she's stalk him, just begging for more. :-) Anyway, I think he wore her out a little, and hopefully we'll ALL sleep a little better tonight.

bushed

Well, it's the end of another day, and I'm exhausted.

I went to bed close to midnight last night, after reading course material (for my Major Prophets class) until I just couldn't keep my eyes open any longer. Then, I was up around 5:30, reading again. I had until 11:00 AM to post two responses to my reading. It really wasn't enough time to digest all I had taken in and then restate it in a meaningful way. But I tried. Hard. My writing was finally posted at 10:54 and 10:56 AM. Just under the wire.

Whew. I will not wait that long again. I have never done an on-line class like this, and I totally underestimated how long it would take.

But in spite of my shaky start, I think I did OK. I read a number of posts by the other students and—guess what?—I'm a pretty good writer. I guess when something comes kind of easy for you, you just assume that everyone can do it. 

Lunch was with some friends, and we spent the afternoon with them. It was a VERY positive time. Sometimes we don't see each other for many weeks, and sort of negative thoughts start to creep in. We assume the others don't want to see us; that maybe they don't like us so much. It's amazing how that happens. But when we get together, the time is so enjoyable, and we really connect. We definitely need to do it again soon.

Home, I drew a map for the Mr. for his class tomorrow. I used Adobe Illustrator. He starts teaching a Bible school class tomorrow. I think he's pretty much ready for this week, but I'm afraid there's going to be ongoing pressure as he prepares new lessons every week.

I'm really ready for bed now, but we have to stay up to skype with our boss. That's in just a few minutes. I will try my best to be alert and with it, but then I'm SO off to bed, with apologies to the kitty. She clearly doesn't think she's gotten enough attention again today, but I just don't have it in me tonight.

buried

Holy cow. I just can't believe how many things there are to be done right now, this very minute. I am not sure how everything piled up, so that they all come due in the next few days.

But there we are. There's nothing to do but slog through until everything gets done.

Today we went back to the building where the youth banquet was held, and tore down all the decorations. Although I wanted it to only take an hour or two, it took a good portion of the morning.

Then I spent all afternoon making greeting cards and preparing mail to send back with people who are flying out tomorrow.

Also, Mr. is frantically working at finalizing his lessons, because he begins teaching at a Bible school on Wednesday. I have some graphics and illustrations to finish for him before then.

And—I'm starting an on-line class on the Major Prophets. Today. And when did I start doing the assigned reading? Today. And when do I have to post a well-thought-out response to the reading? Today! Yikes. The only glimmer of hope is that, while my today is almost over, "today" in the US is just beginning. I could, potentially, get a little sleep, and try to post first thing in the morning. Maybe.

AND we're both going to start attending a biblical Hebrew class this Wednesday as well. The level is far too easy for Mr, who studied it in seminary. But I am still very much a beginner, even though I took an on-line course last year.

Like I said, everything needs done immediately! How did this happen?

In the mean time, the kitty is sure she's being completely ignored. I stop to play with her now and then, but it isn't nearly enough. She was completely out of sorts today, because our downstairs neighbors were drilling. She absolutely hated the sound, and was quite jumpy for a while.

OK. Gotta get back to my reading assignment.

recoup

Well, I guess I was more tired than I realized. I slept today until about 10. Wow. Seeing how I am usually awake by 5 or 6, Mr. was very surprised. So was I.

I simply didn't get going after sleeping in so late. I "facebooked", showered, and off we went for lunch. After lunch all I wanted to do was nap again, but I was teaching Sunday school this afternoon, so I had to prepare my lesson. That took me up to the time that we needed to leave for church. (We go in the afternoon.) Taught 8 very energetic 4 to 7 year-olds. Battled some wills; helped to cut, color, and paste; hoped a little biblical truth got through. Noodle soup for supper, home.

I should be making greeting cards right now, because someone is flying back to the US and I need to send birthday, get-well, and sympathy wishes. But I am feeling very unmotivated. So, I'm blogging.

To follow up on some things from my previous posts, Mr. is doing better. I sense that the deeper sadness is still there, although the surface irritant from two days ago (computer problems) has been taken care of. However, he's back to his normal steady self. All I can do is encourage, and pray that God ministers to the underlying hurt in his heart.

The youth banquet last night was great. Sometimes the kids surprised me with how young they were. Overflowing with energy, they barely needed a reason to yell, laugh giddily, jump and spin like crazy, sing at the top of their lungs. I remember feeling like that once, but just barely.

At other times they impressed me with their maturity. Unsure of myself and where I fit as a "chaperone" I hung back often. A number of them tried to draw me in and include me. At another time, the youth leader asked everyone to make a circle and talk about youth group, what had been meaningful to them in the past year, and pray. The flow of the conversation was totally up to them, and if they had kept it short they could have been back to dancing in no time. But they shared significant things and prayed for over an hour. I think that's pretty deep for kids their age.

And they loved my decorations. I hope it made them feel special that someone took that time for them. Another chaperone complimented me on how the room looked, and I told him, "Well, I'm a frustrated set designer." 

The more I thought about it, the more I realized it was true. I am a set designer without a stage. Making a set is like creating a little world. I control everything about that world—the lighting, the scenery, the colors: all that the audience sees. Every little detail is my call.

In real life, all I can hope for is to make the world a little more beautiful. I don't control much at all about this world, where ugly seems to dominate. So when I get the opportunity to create just a little beauty here and there, I jump at it.

It felt good to make that room beautiful for those kids yesterday.

The whole time I've been typing the kitty has been sleeping. Mr. just roughed her up and tussled her awake, and now he's dangling her favorite toy for her to attack. Those two are very happy presences in my life, although I'm not sure that they are as fond of each other as I am for both of them. :-)

prom

So, spent all day today decorating for this youth group banquet. The perfect way to spend a Saturday. It turned out great, except I made them wait outside for 10 minutes while I finished up the last touches. Yeah. Didn't finish on time. Nothing new or surprising about that.

But they loved the decorations. It's the closest they'll ever get to a prom here, I hear.

And I wasn't really allowed to go to dances growing up, and it's been soooo long since I was a teenager. And I was never a teenager in SE Asia. So, lots of reflections on kids, fitting in, dancing. But it's almost 1. Way too late for that.

OK. Now that I glance at the clock, it actually says 12:34. Am I a geek, or does that specific time excite anyone else?

But enough. Bed. Now. Maybe I'll write more about the dance tomorrow.

heavy

So, it should have been a great day.

Had an awesome morning with God, quiet at a coffee shop. Home to work on decorations for the banquet. Out for a coaching meeting with a super young lady. Back home, more decorations. I think I cut out over 300 stars today.

All stuff I really enjoy. In fact, the next few days are going to be full of  fun creativity.

But Mr. was just really struggling today. He was very discouraged and hopeless. He lost his temper at one point, which he NEVER does. He is the most gentle, even-keel guy I know. I have actually only seen him like this maybe 2 or 3 times in the whole time we've been married.

I am sure there is something deeper than the surface aggravation he was dealing with today. He just never reacts like this. What is causing him so much pain and frustration? I know this has been building up for a while. I wish I could help, but I don't know how.

My heart is heavy for him. I am learning to cling to Jesus alone for my security and well-being. But I just love my husband so much. I hurt when he hurts.

So, anyway. It's late. I have a LOT of decorating to do tomorrow and need to get an early start. The kitty feels neglected. She really made me smile a few times today when I needed it. So, off to give her some love and then to bed.

asleep

Well, some stomach troubles woke me up at 3:30 this morning. I wanted to go back to sleep in the worst way, but it was not happening. After lying in bed a while longer I got up.

I used the time for some devotions, and then did research for about an hour for a book I want to write. Yeah. We'll see. Just a glimmer of an idea right now. I'll let you know when to look for it on Amazon.

I was supposed to use all of today preparing decorations for that high school banquet on Saturday. And I did; sort of. Well, you see—everything is taking a little longer than I expected. I used most of the morning just gathering materials so that I could get started. I walked everywhere I needed to go, which took longer, but I figured it made up for not exercising this morning (due to an achy tummy).

Then I met with someone for a coaching session over lunch. I would have canceled, but this was the lady who is organizing the banquet, so I figured, in some strange way, she would approve of my use of time.

Made some progress in the afternoon and then, around 3 or so, really started moving along. Of course, we stopped to meet some people for supper, so I had to quit just when I was getting a rhythm. Needless to say, I'm not as far along as I had hoped to be. But, I'm also really tired since I got up so early.

We still have some reading to do for an on-line class tomorrow morning, so when I'm done hear, Mr. is going to read out loud while I cut, fold and paste more decorations. I sure hope I can stay awake, and that my sleep (when I finally do get to bed) is not plagued by any more stomach issues.

I was part of a conversation today that really annoyed me, but I had to make a good show of it and be nice. My internal commentary was in full swing. Nasty things, of course. But then I heard a voice quietly ask, "Would you want Me to broadcast all those thoughts for your companion to hear?" Of course NOT! But, I argued, these thoughts just come. I don't know how to stop them. Unfortunately, the Voice wasn't buying it. OK, You'll have to help me, then, I grumped. Amazingly, although I still disagreed with some of the things being said, the raging storm of words in my head calmed. My heart calmed. I was actually able to relax and take some genuine interest in (parts of) what was being said. It was good to be able to engage without feeling like a fake!

I also think I found out what the bells, drums, and gongs are for at the Chinese temple near our house. I happened to pass by and heard the familiar clanging and thumping. I looked over and there were people standing at the entrance with offerings. Fruit, tea, incense. I wondered if those noise makers were there to wake up the "god" so he could receive the gifts.

I started to scoff at the idea of a god you had to wake up. But then I started thinking. In some ways it would be nice, wouldn't it, to have a god who wasn't so, well, omnipresent. One you could just take or leave, only engaging it when YOU felt like it, everything on your terms. No one to see your every move, hear your every word, and even know your every thought. One that stayed nicely in the temple where it belonged and didn't mess with your every-day life so much.

Yeah, I could begin to see that a god like that might hold a certain appeal.

But then again, a god like that wouldn't be God at all.

marching

Ok, really?? Are you kidding? So, tonight they were showing Back to the Future, Part 2! So again, we sat and watched it. Only, now it's over and I'm just getting started on the blog. It's 9:00 already. So much for a good bed time. :-(

But I really felt that I deserved to sit and relax a bit. I had a full, busy day. I was tempted a few times to stop and get distracted, but I didn't. I just kept marching on.

The day started around 4:45 like usual. I keep waking up about then, whether or not the kitty comes and pounces on me. I was lying awake worrying about all the things that need to be done in the next few days. So I decided to get up, since I wasn't sleeping anyway.

Worked to keep my mind on devotions, and then made a list. I am decorating for a high school banquet on Saturday, and I was beginning to panic. Time seemed to be slipping away from me.

Then I did some e-mailing and computer work, all before 7 am. Whew! Out to breakfast with the Mr. then a skype coaching call at 8.

Let me just pause here to say that flaming beef for breakfast is the absolute BEST! You might not know it, but a place of rice and a sizzling iron skillet of beef, onions and a fried egg is the breakfast of champions. We have it about every other day, and it is so yummy. In addition, all of that costs just $1 per person. 

OK. On to the day. After my skype call I went to this very big market. It's kind of like a wholesale market here in town. I had been having trouble finding the decorations I needed for this banquet. Well, it took quite a bit of searching, but I found everything I wanted. What's more, I found even better things than I had in mind. I felt like dancing a jig right there in the store! It was like a treasure hunt, and I had found the pot of gold.

For lunch the Mr. and I met a friend. After that I showered (finally!) and did a few more things around the house. I then went over to this same friend's house, where I am painting a large dresser. I did the base coat a few days ago, and today I sponged the back of it to give it texture, and traced some letters on it. Next week I'll go again and paint in the words.

A thoroughly creative day. It was really great. FUN projects in my future.

I got home a little later than I intended, but still almost had supper ready when the Mr. got home at 7. We had kimchi stew. That's when BttF2 came on. I have the sneaking suspicion the same channel is going to have #3 on tomorrow night. 

Anyway, the kitty must be feeling ignored, because she tried climbing up my back twice today. But amazingly, it didn't hurt or draw blood! Why did I wait so long to clip her claws???

So, right now Mr. is washing the dishes and the kitty is waiting to be played with. Then off to bed. I'm thoroughly tired, but quite satisfied with the day.

promising

Well, this is just stupid. We're sitting here watching "Back to the Future". I've seen it plenty of times, but we're both hooked. Well, it is fun. And it has been a while.

So, I'll try to write with distraction. I am NOT a multi-tasker.

Anyway, I got to bed at a really good time last night. Into the bedroom by 9:30, reading, puzzles. Fell asleep by 10, maybe.

I woke up before 5, feeling rested and awake. Instead of the kitty coming to wake me up, I went out looking for HER! :-)

Anyway, I decided to exercise and was finished by 6:15. Devotions, shower, then we went out for breakfast. I tried to run a few errands, but came up unsuccessful. Well, I guess successful in that I learned that the items I wanted weren't available. So, I will need to look for them somewhere else, or come up with an alternative plan. Either way, it's going to take some time. Bummer.

Then to a friend's house to paint a piece of furniture. Part way done today, probably (hopefully) going to finish tomorrow. 

We met the Mr. at a burger joint. It's the best burger place in town. They taste quite a lot like In-N-Out burgers in the US. Nothing else comes close. It sounded like a great idea, but by the time we got done burgers and fries, I was full to uncomfortable. Ugh. 

Afterward I met with a friend for a while. I took a motorbike taxi home. Before we started off I haggled him down to a dollar. He agreed, and caught some ribbing from some of the other taxi drivers, who thought he should have held out for more.

The roads were crowded, so by the time we got to my house, I had decided to give him roughly 10 cents more. But he wasn't satisfied. He wanted 25 cents more. I stood firm and told him I was already giving him more than we had agreed on. After a bit of convincing, he took it.

Do you think less of me for being so stubborn about a few cents??? I keep telling you—it's the principle of it all. It was a fair price. I know the nationals pay less. Maybe it's time for me to leave here.

I was thinking on the way home that I hadn't taken many photos. I had been so intent getting from here to there, running errands, meeting people. For most of us the point of the journey is getting there. But that doesn't leave much time for looking around, for noticing beauty. 

This photo experiment is really helping me to slow down. To notice the journey, and not just rush from point A to point B. The point IS the journey. I really need to remember that.

I made lentil stew for supper. Mr.'s recipe. Very good, as always. (Although, I must admit, it tastes better when he makes it. Maybe just because I don't have to put so much work into it!)

The kitty played hard for quite awhile this afternoon. Now she's just zonked out. She's sleeping in places she never sleeps—like just out in the middle of the floor. I must admit, since I clipped her nails, she's a LOT less painful to play with. We will not bear battle wounds any more.

OK. Movie is over, and it's 9. Time to head in to bed. I really want to keep up this "early to bed, early to rise" schedule. I feel so much better!