up

Yeah—better day today.

I actually got to sleep straight through the night, instead of waking up in the middle (usually around 3:30 or 4) and then having to struggle to get back to sleep. Dawn was already beginning to peek in through our curtains when I woke up. Quite an improvement already.

Then I did my zumba, and my knee didn't trouble me as much as before. Granted, I altered some of the steps in order to avoid irritating it, but hey—at least I'm still exercising and not stopping all together. Throughout the day I used it gingerly, and was pleasantly surprised sometimes when certain movements I expected to give me pain, did not! But then I'd get careless and start using it normally—and it would remind me that it wasn't 100% healthy. But I do see some overall improvement.

The bulk of my day was spent on graphic design, which makes me feel competent and fulfilled. I made some real progress, which felt good.

In the middle of the afternoon a friend called me quite worried. Her baby was running a fever and she needed someone to watch her toddler while she ran the baby to the doctor. I was happy to say yes. I was even happier that my schedule had the flexibility to allow me to help out.

I read something a few days ago that has stuck with me. "Life is not an emergency." I know so many people who live like it is. I understand how they're  feeling, because for a long time, I did too. It's the knowledge that your schedule is packed so full that you can't afford to miss one beat or you're going to fall irreparably behind. And so we push, push, push. There is constant pressure. I certainly don't want to live like that again.

I hope I can figure out how to reenter the US without re-joining the frantic pace of our society.

Besides, if I had been carrying a schedule like the one I mentioned earlier—every hour crammed as full as possible—I wouldn't have been available for my friend when she had an actual emergency.

(Please pray for the little baby, by the way. He has a high fever.)

Life is not an emergency. I want to live like that. BUT, for now I need to get to bed, or getting myself out of bed in the morning is going to be an emergency.

down

Don't you hate it when you're in a bad mood, and there really isn't any reason for it? I just felt down a good bit of the day, and can't exactly figure out why. I guess there doesn't actually need to be a reason.

I did yoga, but then my coaching appointment canceled—which should have meant that I would get things done that I hadn't planned on, since I had extra time. But did I? No. I was just in this funk.

I had an appointment to go photograph food for a brochure I'm doing. That was at 10. As the time approached, I wanted more and more to just stay home. I didn't want to go out and face the world. But I did, and it was just fine.

Where do these feelings come from?

When I was done they let me eat some of the food I was photographing. It was slightly lukewarm, but it was good anyway.

Then I was off to rejoin the storytelling class. I really had no idea where I was going, and was sure that I would get lost. Sure enough, I did. I ended up calling Mr., who talked me in the rest of the way. I was just a few blocks off, but the frustration did not improve my mood any.

However, the afternoon of storytelling went fine, and then we were off to Hebrew class. That finished, we had a taco supper.

Then home. Tried to play with the cat, and goofed off on Facebook. Both of which left me dissatisfied. (The cat was in a pretty "leave me alone" mood.)

So, yeah. I've been down today. Maybe I need more time with God. Maybe I need more sleep. Maybe I just need to give myself a break and accept that we all have bad days now and then.

Oh. And it was a bad hair day. Yes, worse than normal. :-P

storytelling

Well, the knee is not getting much better. In fact, I feel like it is getting increasingly unreliable. However, I am learning more and more which movements irritate it, and am working to avoid them. I really want to keep on with this exercise routine. I'm ticked that my own body is thwarting me in my desires to do something that should be healthy for it. I don't know whether or not to keep pushing until the knee finally gives out, or stop now. (If my mom were reading this blog (which she isn't), she would be greatly distressed that I even had to consider my answer to that question!) Well, tomorrow is yoga, which is the least strenuous for the knee. So I have another day or so to think about it.

I helped facilitate a storytelling workshop today. It was on the fourth floor of a building, and I really noticed the knee when climbing the stairs—especially because the stairs were much steeper than most stairs in the US. I'd estimate that each step was about a foot tall, which meant there was a more intense strain on the knees. The irritated one protested at being used so rigorously.

It was a full day of speaking the national language today as we (Mr. and I and one other foreigner) facilitated this storytelling workshop. I always feel anxious about my skills—especially because this lady called us in to help at the last minute. But, she asked us because she knows we're pretty advanced in the language. Still, I don't like to "wing it" when teaching in a second language. But much of it was facilitating discussion and letting them practice telling stories. So, it wasn't like we were talking 100% of the time. Not even 50%. I guess it went fine. I am always pretty critical of my abilities, and not completely comfortable in a large classroom setting. I am much happier one-on-one or -two.

There was a guy there who was missing all his fingers (except for one thumb!) and had scar tissue over maybe 85% of his face. We didn't ever hear what happened. Our best guess is that maybe he worked with a demining group and one  of the mines blew up while he was holding it. However, the point is, this guy was such an intelligent, lively personality that he was very endearing, and after just a short time I had stopped even noticing his disfigurement. I am very much impressed with him.

What a weird week this week is. It was basically empty of commitments until Saturday. And then in the course of just two days the week filled SO completely full. And the variety of things we are doing: what a strange mix! Some of my projects for this week are: babysitting, a scrub at a spa with a friend, storytelling training, a photo shoot of food for a restaurant brochure, a Hebrew class, coaching, business card and stationery design, a lesson on part of the Jewish Passover, a coffee and prayer date, and creating a Power Point slideshow to increase giving at our church. Is that not just a jumble of mis-matched activities?

If variety is the spice of life, my life this week is as spicy as Indian food!

peace

So. Sleep proved elusive last night. Not at first. I fell asleep just fine. However, I woke up around 3:30 to go to the bathroom, and really never fell deeply asleep after that. I think I dozed a bit, but it was fitful and I really felt drug out by the time (5:30) I finally decided to give up and start my day. The weird thing is, I wasn't really worrying or upset about anything. I just couldn't sleep.

I stumbled through my exercises, played with the cat, and then got myself out the door for my 1/2 day with God. I probably should have gotten a regular coffee at the coffee shop, to help me wake up, but I still don't trust how caffeine will react with my body. So, I had a tame chai tea latte.

The first half of my morning I just fought to stay awake, stay engaged. I finally "came to" enough to do some good journaling and pray a bit. I am still haunted by the 3 kids I mentioned in yesterday's post. There is just so much I don't understand.

Unfortunately, I felt like it was a total flop today in regards to my interactions with nationals. I was so tired, my insides felt snappy, even if I didn't show it on the outside. I HOPE I didn't show it on the outside, that is. A few times I wasn't  so sure…

I fear that long ago I learned to draw on anger as one coping mechanism. Because of some deep hurts from childhood, I arrived in college with a deep pool of anger in the pit of my soul. Admittedly, anger can be channeled in positive ways and give you an extra boost of strength or motivation when needed. But it really isn't good.

By God's grace, I dove deeply into that blackness one summer, staring the root causes in the face. He graciously drained all of that anger away. It was a scary process, but it felt so good to be free.

Unfortunately, I feel like the empty cavity that was left behind has gradually filled again over the years. All too often these days, anger is my first response to adversity, confusion, or frustration. It is discouraging to see an old habit rear its ugly head again. And tiring to know the deep work that must be done in order to empty the pool again.

I have been repeating the verse from James that says, "…everyone must be quick to hear, slow to speak and slow to anger; for the anger of man does not achieve the righteousness of God." Argh.

I think that's part of the reason for these mornings with God. I try to get quiet with Him. To focus on Him. To find peace that will calm the churning anger inside. And it works. While I'm studying. While I'm isolated and wrapping myself intentionally in His presence. But as soon as I step out into the "real world" the anger comes bubbling back up again.

So, I know I haven't found true peace yet. True peace wouldn't melt away as soon as the harsh rays of the sun touched it.

When am I going to get this?

transformation

A handful of homeless individuals have taken up residence in the park across from our apartment. There are always an odd assortment of adults and kids, and it's hard to tell who belongs to whom. But a grouping of 3 has caught my eye more than once. It consists of a girl, maybe 8 or 9, a boy of about 3 and a baby, probably 1 year old or so. The two younger ones seem to be the girl's responsibility. They are always together and often walk by our house, the baby carried on the hip and the little boy either trailing along behind or clutching the girl's baggy shirt. The adult-sized shirt fits her just as poorly as her adult-sized responsibilities do, and yet she wears both dutifully.

I have noticed them, as I said, and paused to wonder about them. They have wandered through my thoughts from time to time, but I did not realize just how much they were on my mind until I discovered them in my dreams last night.

In typical dream fashion, everything jumbled and merged together. Nothing was where it was supposed to be. I was in the US, and our organization was having a big conference in this small, quaint town where our headquarters used to be. But the venue was somehow across the street from the park here. The kids wandered by, and I invited them into the back door of the kitchen in this big conference hall. There was lots of food for the meetings, but I tried really hard to find Asian food that they would like. They left to wander around town, but later in the evening I found them again and told them they could sleep there. All the rooms were full, with conference participants sleeping on floors and in sleeping bags. But the kids were so little. We found a bed for them all to share. And that's about all there was to the dream.

We have to cross that park to throw our trash away in a dumpster on the other side. The ragged group of squatters was there as always. Tonight some almost-grown-youths were arguing, having a shouting and shoving match. I gave them a wide berth and in doing so walked within 5 feet of my little trio. She was sitting on a hammock rocking the baby, the toddler near by. All were watching the fight. I wanted to talk to them. I felt like I knew them. I felt like they were my responsibility somehow.

But I just kept walking.

This place has broken me down. It makes me feel so helpless. Hope is so hard to find here. So is beauty.

I read something in a book this morning that made me cry. Here are excerpts:

"The good news that… the transfiguration of a suffering world has already begun. That suffering nourishes grace, and pain and joy are arteries of the same heart—and mourning and dancing are but movements in His unfinished symphony of beauty."

"This the hard eucharisteo. The hard discipline to lean into the ugly and whisper thanks to transfigure it into beauty."

"All is grace only because all can transfigure."

(One Thousand Gifts, Ann Voskamp; chapter 5)

And I finally understood. I have struggled to see beauty here because I have stopped believing in transformation. I have stopped having hope that anything could change. I tried in vain to fix the brokenness—in my time in my ways—and because my feeble attempts failed, I concluded it wasn't possible. I doubted whether even God could do it.

He gently reprimanded my short-sighted, self-centered perspective. He invited me to hope once again, and begin to see potential in people, where before I could only see waste. He urged me to believe that "all can transfigure".

And then I was crying again, regretting all the years it has taken me to finally get it. To come to this important understanding. To realize that transformation is His job, not mine.

The I believe I heard Him laughing at me. I am pretty sure He was shaking His head in amusement. Foolish child. You can't arrive immediately at your destination. You had to take the journey to get here. There was no short cut. Each step of the way was necessary for your own process of transformation.

And the journey continues.

roller coaster

There's nothing like getting home just before it rains. Also nothing like having too many great photos in one day to choose from. Nothing like having a little rammy cat who runs and runs until she has to sprawl out panting. And there's nothing like spending the evening with a good group of friends.

It was a very up and down day. It started great: quiet time to read a good, spiritually challenging book that touched deep places in my soul. Quietness and wholeness continued through breakfast, exercise and a swim. A devotional time and pray-napping. (I think that should be a new form of spiritual discipline.)

Then we had to check out of the beautiful hotel and come home. I fully intended to continue my spiritual pursuits, but somehow failed to do so. Home work, like unpacking, organizing, and playing with the kitty captured my attention, and then I found myself wandering around on facebook and wasting time in various other ways. I felt quiet disappointed in myself.

I always come down hard after a vacation. Something about the "bump" back into real life. But I didn't expect it with this. I hardly even considered these two days as a vacation; more like time to stop and catch our breath a little. But still, it was sad to see it end so quickly.

If anything it made us realize how tired we actually are. I think often tiredness doesn't register until you stop the frantic pace. Then it all seems to catch up to you. These two days were quiet; we did minimal activities. But I think we're leaving it more tired than when we started. Or at least, more aware of the tiredness.

But then I was off to a coaching appointment, which went well, and then to a good-bye party for a friend who is leaving for the summer. She is really struggling with it. I was glad to see her surrounded by good friends tonight, but that's part of the problem, really. She has made home HERE. She knows who she is HERE. "Home" in the US is a myth. And historically it hasn't been easy for her there. I wish I could help her, but I can't be there for the bumps and bruises of the transition. I can offer my friendship as best as I can from afar. Skype is always an option.

And now home. The kitty missed us, it seems. She doesn't want to cuddle, necessarily, but she is keen to run and jump and chase. Every now and then I manage to grab her and make her endure some cuddling. And if she gives it a chance, she usually ends up with a good purrr going.

Even though it's late it's good to end the day "up". It's cozy to sit in our apartment and listen to the gentle rain outside. And revel in the fact that we didn't get caught in it.

Regardless of the positive ending to my up and down day, I hate roller coaster emotions. Hopefully things will stabilize tomorrow.

relaaaax

Today was our first day at the hotel. It's beautiful and (relatively) quiet, and I really didn't do much of anything today.

I did start the day out with exercise. It was to be the sculpting routine this morning. I didn't bring my dumb bells with me, because I knew they had a work out room here. I assumed they would have weights of various sizes. Unfortunately, they did not. So I improvised. We had a pack of water bottles, each 1.5 liters. I don't know how heavy that is, but they were definitely heavier than my weights at home. The bottles were awkward to hold, because they were fat. But I think I have proved to myself that I'm ready to buy heavier dumb bells. Feels pretty good. Not only are my arms a bit sore tonight, other muscles are a bit sore, too. I didn't expect that.

Other than that, I didn't do much today. After exercise, we ate breakfast. Then I took a dip in the pool and basically dozed for the next two hours. After that, well, more of nothing. A little sudoku, a little Angry Birds, some Hebrew study, music, and more swimming and snoozing.

I have trouble with days like this. I feel very uncomfortable and guilty about "wasting time". But I was tired, and wanted to just rest.

Well, except I did manage to burn a DVD today. It's only half of the project I've been working on. Hope to finish it tomorrow.

So, I didn't completely blow the day. But almost.

By the way, the cat continues to be naughty, even while we're here. I got a call this afternoon from the lady who went to check on her, and she told me the kitty had knocked a few books and a plant off of a shelf, breaking the vase the plant was in. She said, "I wanted you to know it was the cat, and not me." I was tempted to say, "I don't know. The cat just called and told me a completely different story." But I refrained. She wouldn't get the humor, anyway.

She concluded, quite logically, that the cat was mad because she hasn't "seen your faces" for a while. There might be something to that. Mr. is still claiming that cats are evil, after yesterday's wire chewing fiasco. That's just silly, but the kitty does not seem to be doing a good job at redeeming herself.

trouble

The day started nicely. Quiet morning, sleeping in until about 7, then up to catch the American Idol finale live. Indulgent, I know, but we enjoyed the show nonetheless. I worked on my computer and did some e-mails while we watched, because (after all) it was a TWO HOUR show, just to read someone's name out of an envelope. Sheesh. (The Idol I was rooting for was the winner, by the way!)

Little did I know that there was trouble brewing.

Just about 20 minutes before the end of the show, I couldn't connect to the internet anymore. Mr. went into his office to reboot the box, because sometimes you have to do that. Next thing I heard was, "Your *@#* cat!" It seems she had chewed not one but two of the wires on our fiber optic modem.

:-(

Mr. spent the next 5 hours trying to get someone there to fix it. It was a frustrating time for him, but didn't end up costing as much as he expected. In fact, they didn't charge us anything for splicing the fiber optic wire. However, I believe the cat's name has permanently been changed to "Your *@#* cat."

While he was doing that, I exercised, showered, and then went to a coaching session. Which lasted until 3. I got home and immediately started getting the house ready. Folding clothes, doing dishes, filling the cat food and litter. I packed an overnight bag, and we were all ready to go except for one final task.

I got out the dish soap, and rubbed it over every cord and wire in the house. The kitty hates the taste of it. I hope to break her totally of the wire chewing habit. Not only is it destructive and inconvenient for us, it's dangerous for her.

AS I kindly proved. About 3/4 of the way through the wire soaping process, I ran my soapy hand over a cord and received a rather shocking buzz up one arm. I tell you. It is a really freaky sensation to feel electricity pulsing through your muscles. I jerked away with a yelp. Nothing was hurt really. Just a slight bit of numbness through the arm. I looked at the cord and there were bare wires exposed in a few spots. I don't think it was the cat's fault. It's a really old cord. I think it was just dry and brittle and cracked. I wrapped it with electrical tape, so I hope it's safer now.

So, that done, we headed out for the hotel. It's only a mile, really, from our house. But it's going to be like a mini vacation. We hopped right into the pool and soaked for a bit. Then hopped out again, got some supper, and met some friends back at our hotel. It has an art gallery, and there was a bit opening tonight. Seriously. There was hardly room to move. Fortunately, we caught a preview of the pieces beforehand, because it was impossible to circulate around to see them all with the crowd. Our friend had a piece in the exhibit. His piece was quite unique, and stood out from the rest. It was great to be there to support him.

So, that was our day. A real mish mash of crazy things. Looking forward to something much quieter tomorrow.

hebrew

I don't have much to write about today. Literally, all I worked on all day was a video project and studying Hebrew. The video project takes a REALLY long time to render, so I seriously did a few minutes of work on the computer, then waited for about two hours for it to do its thing. In the mean time (since the program ate up a lot of RAM and I couldn't really use the computer for much else while it was crunching the video) I studied Hebrew.

Mr. and I have been attending this Biblical Hebrew class for a few weeks now, but I really haven't been able to give it the time it needs. Especially since the are quite ahead of my skill level. I took a beginner course last year on-line, but this class had covered everything I knew by chapter 6. (And we jumped in at chapter 17!) Yikes! But today I was able to study the chapter and work on the exercises ahead of time. Needless to say, it was actually an enjoyable class tonight.

My mind really likes the mental acrobatics you need to do to learn a new language. I don't know why, and I can't explain it, but my brain finds it stimulating to try to understand new words and tenses and grammar. Does that make me a first class geek, or what?

Seriously, that's all that happened today. Well, did exercise and have my devotions. I made breakfast, Mr. made lunch, we had left-overs for supper. We watched American Idol. We'll see who the winner is tomorrow!

(nobody tell me! we get the broadcast about 12 hours later than the US.)

Nothing else really to report. Except, I guess I've been thinking. I am not a completely uncompassionate person. I have been empathetic and kind to numerous people. However, I really have trouble when people play the "victim" card and don't take any responsibility for their own decisions or actions. People who see their problems but aren't willing to change anything to solve/avoid those problems in the future. I don't have much patience for that.

On the other hand—no. I still do not realize exactly how much I have been forgiven and/or spared from because of God's presence in my life. I read the passage today (Colossians 2:13-14) that talked about my certificate of debt having been canceled out, nailed to the cross. I wonder what mine looked like. Looks like? I suppose I keep adding to the list. Hmmm.

I tried to pray about it this morning, but kept nodding off. Hmmm again. I need to find a better method.

OK. Off to chase the cat. Then to bed. More soul searching in the coming days…

popcorn

Well, I got through my first meeting as an official member of the church council. I was a little nervous about it, because I have never been on one of these things before, and I hate confrontation. Not that board or council meetings have to be confrontational, but I just have this vague stereotype that that's what they are like.

I must admit, I was a little distracted for part of it. We ate supper at the place where we had the meeting, and the portions were rather small. My first thought (I kid you not) was, "Oh—that means I can snack on popcorn when I get home!" We have had this bag of popping corn in our house for about  a month now, and I haven't yet made any because I'm trying to shape up and lose weight. But I LOVE popcorn, so I was super excited at the thought of making some tonight.

(Yes, I'm happily munching on it right now!!) :-)

Despite the distraction, I think I did OK at my first council meeting. I prepared for about half the day, reading lots of old minutes and reports to be up to speed. I prayed for wisdom. I was reminded that "every man should be quick to hear, slow to speak, and slow to become angry." (I know, some might be offended that it says "man" to the exclusion of ladies. But I figure this principle probably goes at LEAST double for women!)

Of course I couldn't come in as an expert, so I decided to be quiet most of the time, and try to ask questions. One question that I asked, WOW. It changed the course of the discussion for a good hour. I didn't intend to be disruptive. I am continually amazed at the power of good questions!

I didn't really leave the house much today, just out in the evening to go to my meeting. So, I don't have an impressive photo today. Other than the council meeting (and prep for it) I had coaching (I was the one getting coached), worked on my design job, and played a bit with the kitty. I stopped for lunch and turned on the TV and was almost sucked into its mindless vortex. There wasn't even anything on that I really wanted to watch, but still I had trouble turning it off and getting back to work. Wonder what that is.

Part of the problem is that I just wanted to veg out. I have been feeling like that a lot lately. I just have to stay on task two more days, and then we're slipping away to a nearby hotel with a pool, for a few days of relaxation. We haven't really had a good break in a while, especially not with Mr.'s Bible school class and that on-line course I was taking. This is in celebration of the successful completion of both. (OK. Mr. would question whether or not his class was completed successfully, since most of his students failed the final exam, but I think he did a wonderful job regardless.) In any case, I'm looking forward to that down time.

My popcorn is almost gone, so that must mean it's time to stop writing for tonight.

work

I took this morning for a half day with God. I could tell it was time; it almost surprised me how much I was really looking forward to it. But then as I planned out the rest of my day, I found myself thinking, "I'd better work on my graphic design project in the afternoon, so that I actually get some work done today."

The thought stopped me short. Why doesn't spending the morning with God, studying the Bible and praying count (in my mind) as "work". It is definitely a worthwhile occupation. Not as if I was just wasting time, "blowing" the morning. But I'm afraid I would be seen as lazy or unproductive if that were all I did with the day. I have always thought our "Protestant work ethic" was a positive characteristic, but I am beginning to wonder if achievement and productivity have become gods in themselves, stealing our loyalty as the overriding pursuit of our lives. It definitely shocked me to realize I was seeing time with God as second best; something that needed to be compensated for with increased activity later.

I just keep wondering when did spending time with God come to be seen as a luxury, to be worked into the schedule if there's spare time??? It seems so backwards and upside down!

As it is, it looks like the sum total of my day will be: exercises, kitty play time, 4 hours with God, weekly update written, blog written, supper made, dishes done. It doesn't look like that much, but why isn't it enough? It has been a steady day, not slow and not fast-paced. As such, it has been a good day. I just need to get over my over-achiever guilt.

Boy, this morning was a rough one for exercises. I realized last week that I haven't been using my abs correctly for a lot of the exercises. So, I am trying to remedy that. Ugh. Everything feels so much harder as I concentrate to make sure my core is tight and engaged. But I believe it will be worth it. Sexy abs, here I come!!

I was awfully convicted today by what I read during my quiet time. I have been disturbed from time to time with my quickness to judge. I can be pretty critical and judgmental, especially if people make decisions that I consider "stupid". (Note the complete non-judgmental tone of that statement! Sheesh!) The chapter I read today, however, made me realize I have that harsh, judging spirit simply because I do not recognize the complete fallenness of my own nature. I have never grasped the true depths of my own depravity. I somehow think I'm better.

The truth is, having grown up in a Christian home and accepting Jesus as my savior when I was 5, I have never had one of those moments when I have hit bottom. There have been difficult times, yes. Times of struggle and doubt. But by His grace I have been saved from a lot of heartache and bad choices; pitfalls that I could have easily stumbled into. The challenge is to actually realize that I had nothing to do with my own good fortune. It's all because if His presence in my life.

I don't know. It's one of those weird things. How do I learn this lesson? I don't want to have to commit some awful thing before I can truly grasp my own sinfulness. But that's stupid, isn't it? There are really no "big" and "little" sins. I do plenty of things every day that should make me hang my head in shame. I think just a few days ago I came close to "murdering" someone's reputation. When and how will I finally get it? (Although the idea of "getting it" fills me with dread, because it will be a very crushing, breaking lesson to learn.)

I truly want to be a person of compassion. I want to be a safe place for people to turn to. I am tired of that hard knot of judgment twisting my insides. I need to grasp this humbling truth.

better

I am doing better today, even though the day didn't turn out at all as I had pictured it. Being Sunday, I thought it would be a very slow, relaxed day. Sleeping in. Quiet. Nothing to do except chill.

But I actually woke up around 4:30. And although I really tried to fall asleep again, I only dozed fitfully for the next two hours. Up, I recommended to Mr. that we go get breakfast, because I had made an appointment to skype my sister. We did, and then talked to my sister and her husband for about 3 hours. Near the end of the talk I got a phone call from someone else, wanting to meet for lunch and talk about the design job I have been doing. That lasted until 2:30 or so, when I left for church. I had agreed to help lead singing and practice was at 3. Church at 4. Out for supper by about 6:30. Then home. Played with the kitty.

There you have it. Not nearly as quiet and relaxing as I had envisioned. But not a bad day, either.

I will have to catch some quiet, reflective time with God tomorrow, when I'm going to have my half day with Him. Really can't wait!

In my funk yesterday I forgot to mention that it was yoga day. Fortunately no ants in my yoga mat this time! (although I kept cringing, waiting to feel a bite). AND I managed to stand in the "tree" pose (balancing on one leg with the other foot up against the thigh) without falling over! I think I will soon be qualified to move on to the next level.

(how's that for irony; as I was typing that paragraph I got bitten by an ant.)  :-(

Speaking of the ants, they have invaded Mr.'s Q-tips again. I bought him a new box after the other one got attacked by ants. That is so weird. The new box is in the freezer now, killing all the little critters. Then we'll put them in an air-tight container or something. SO weird.

I was very disciplined with supper tonight. Had Japanese. Light. Reasonable portions. Unfortunately, it's just after 9 and I'm feeling a little nibbly. Hmm. I know I should resist…

Well, I don't have anything deep or profound to say tonight. Sometimes I feel that I should… But that's all I have for tonight.

blah

Today I felt kind of blah. Not bad, not great. Blah. Kind of unsettled and out of sorts. The only responsibilities I had were to exercise (#6 for the week!) and coach someone. So you'd think it would have been a relaxing day. But for some reason, I didn't feel like I was allowed to relax. I felt like I should still be busy.

I started working on burning a DVD of some videos that I have stored as files on my computer. The only problem is that they need converted first, so that they work with the DVD program I have. And that takes quite a while. I have been slowly, gradually getting things converted throughout the day, but it's pretty much like a game of "get it started and wait". I suppose I could have used the "waiting" time differently, but I just wanted to veg out. Watched TV, played with the kitty.

That's not bad, I suppose, but I had this ongoing dialogue in my head that "you should be accomplishing more". I don't know. Hazard of being raised in an achievement oriented culture, I guess.

Oh. And I did a load of laundry today. There, see. I did accomplish something.

Blah. Sorry. I'm not in the mood to write much. I will post today's photo and leave it at that.

Humbled

I am blown away right now. I just got off the phone with my dad, and I can not believe what just happened. Our talk was one of depth and sincerity. He made himself very vulnerable to me. He apologized for mistakes of the past. And that is HUGE. I am absolutely floored.

I honestly know nothing is too hard for God, but I was pretty sure my dad was a lost cause. Granted, he still has a loooooooong way to go but…

Seriously. What just happened? 

I am ashamed at my lack of faith, and humbled that God performed a minor miracle right before my very eyes—in spite of my cynicism and disbelief.

blanket

I am feeling a little odd. I think it's because I got very hot, then very cold, then later very hot and quite cold again. The second time, I ended up huddling in a blanket. In the middle of the day. That is not normal. I think the kitty and I just don't quite know how to handle cooler weather.

She, too, is not feeling quite herself. That's because we took her to the vet for her deworming shot today. I sincerely doubt that she has worms, because she eats nothing but dry cat food. She does drink out of the toilet now and then, when we forget to close the lid, but there's not much I can do about that.

Come to think of it, maybe I could use a little deworming myself. My stomach still acts up from time to time.

On the bright side, my knee is doing better today. Maybe it really was the weather. Or partly the weather, at least. It hurt just a few times during my exercises this morning, but the rest of the day it was OK. Hope it keeps getting better.

I asked Mr. if he sees any difference in me after a month of exercise. (Yes, it's been four whole weeks, missing only ONE day so far!) He says he sees changes in my body, and asked if I didn't. I have to admit, no. I don't feel like I see much progress, but it was sweet of him to say he did. Maybe I can't be objective. I guess I'll stick with it, though. He has quietly encouraged me to keep going. Hopefully by 40 it will be worth it…

Mr. is pretty discouraged today. He has begun grading the tests he gave to his Bible school class. The final exam. He made it as easy as he felt he could. Unfortunately, he has graded two tests so far, and both got below a 50%. They didn't even try to fill in half the blanks. I mean, we're talking questions such as, "In the fourth year of Solomon's reign he started building the temple. How many years did Solomon reign before he started building the temple?" Nothing. Not even a guess. I'm hoping he'll find a few bright lights as he grades more of the papers.

He fees like he failed. I know he wanted to inspire and encourage his students to think. I'm just afraid they didn't rise up to the challenge. Mr. was fighting against the whole culture, the system, the very structure of the school he was teaching in. Those have always been the odds here. It is hard to effect change when no one else is challenging the status quo. (or very few)

So, they're tearing down this old French colonial building near our house. It has been featured in a few of the photos for this blog. I have watched it slowly crumble for years, wishing someone would do something with it. And now they are. Unfortunately, they're demolishing it brick by brick. Not restoring it.

Now, I'm not sentimental. I'm not against progress and modernization. But it kind of makes me sad. I guess it's because I have always seen potential in that building; this hidden, dormant beauty. I guess it makes me sad to see that no one else thought that it was worth reawakening. No one valued it enough to expend the effort. And now it's being destroyed. Sad.

And speaking of sad, it's my dad's birthday today. I guess I will skype him when I get done with this entry. When I think of my dad, I typically feel a mixture of sorrow and bewilderment, with a bit of pity thrown in. He is one of the most unhappy people I know. And it's all (always) other people's fault. Mostly my mom's, in his opinion. On his birthday I pray freedom and life for him. I doubt he'll get that for his birthday, but at least I'll give him a call.

Sad, isn't it? Why can I see beauty in a crumbling old building, but I struggle to find hope or beauty in people sometimes? I don't have God's eyes for things; that's for sure.

midnight

Wow. I'm getting started SO late on this one. We spent some quality time with special friends, getting caught up after a bit of time apart. Sweet time together; SO worth it. But yeah. Late.

My morning exercise went better than the ant yoga of yesterday. Except my knee continues to ache. It seems to be worsening, but I'm choosing to believe it's the change in the weather that is aggravating it, not the incessant exercise. Seriously. I am not doing anything THAT high impact. There is no reason I should not be able to ask this of my body!

Spent most of the day working on a design project. A logo adjustment, business cards, a promotional piece. Soon I'll also do letterhead. I am sometimes amazed how satisfying it is to me to fuss over font choices, the way text flows around a photo, the spacing between lines, widow and orphan control. (It's a graphic design term; look it up.) It gives me such a sense of peace to arrange elements cleanly on a page in such a way that the important things stand out and your eye travels almost effortlessly from top to bottom. Almost like a zen garden—or so I imagine, never having had experience with a zen garden. Just the harmony of empty space, text, color, and flow.

It also makes me feel a bit like a geek to enjoy it so much. True artists would never be satisfied with such fussy, detailed, constrained work. But hey; someone has to do it; someone has to be a nerd like me or the world would be void of business cards—and what a loss that would be! Besides, if I'm going to get paid to do a job I actually like, so much the better!

I must also confess that I peeled and sliced eggplant while sitting on the couch watching Wipeout on TV. At least I got my act together enough to plan ahead for supper and get it in the crock pot. It was an eggplant parmesan recipe. Don't know if it was a keeper or not; the jury's still out. Mr. didn't rave about it, but then again, he rarely ever raves about anything. On the flip side, he rarely complains, either.

The kitty was a little sulky and grumpy today again. The weather continues to be on the cool side, and I don't think she likes it. Spent most of the day either burrowing under things (mats, pillows, sheets) or curled into a tight little ball, sleeping on or near things that generate heat. (Now, when I say cool weather, you must keep in mind that I am talking mid to low 80s.) How she will ever adjust to a climate where it actually snows, I have no idea.

Anyway, she must be feeling well rested now because she is presently streaking about the house, climbing anything vertical, and pouncing on toys. WAY too much energy. Either that or she's trying to warm up. ;-)

The photo today is a crooked tree just across the street from our apartment. You know, we've lived here about 4 years now, and I never noticed that tree until I started my quest to take one photo of beauty per day. It really is just a matter of opening your eyes to find beauty around you. Then, once I had seen the poetry of the tree's twisted, off-balance shape, it was hard to get a photo because there were always cars or motorbikes parked in front of it. But today…there it was. Unobstructed. Good thing, too, because I really didn't wander away from my computer very much today. Just happened to be out there at the right time. Nice.

OK. Going to go. To chase a kitty for a little bit, then to bed.

rough

So, today started very rough. Not at first. I slept in to a luxurious 7:00. It felt soooo nice. Then Mr. had to run off to his Bible school class. I had the morning to myself, basically, so I decided to get my yoga done.

I pulled on my exercise pants and wouldn't you know it. I immediately felt ants biting. Dang it what were they doing in my pants??? Shaking, jumping, trying to pick them out. I finally decided to go through with the workout, regardless. But few things are worse than having ants in your pants.

Except, of course, unless it's having ants all over the yoga mat you're lying on. The lying down exercises came about half way through the workout. I felt more bites on my back and then my stomach as they started crawling all over. I was angry then, and, just to show those stupid ants, I kept going with the routine. Right. Stupid. I might have killed a few ants along the way, but I think I got the worse end of the deal, with over 30 itchy, red welts.

GRRRR. I went into the bathroom to shower off, hoping to cool the fiery spots. Forgetting something I spun around to go get it and stubbed my little toe squarely on the bathroom door. I hollered out loud, to no one at all,

"THIS MORNING SUCKS!"

It did get better—slowly. The shower helped a little, but not much. Then I remembered some talcum powder we have that has some menthol in it. I caked myself with that stuff, all over. Ahhhh. Sigh of relief.

Tried to focus and calm myself with some devotions and prayer. Then off to some meetings. I had two ladies to chat with. I read something in a book about spiritual disciplines that made me stop and think. It said:

"We do not have to have the correct answers to listen well. In fact, often the correct answers are a hindrance to listening, for we become more anxious to give the answer than to hear."

It's really true. I tried to apply that today as I met with people. I hope I did OK, although I did some advice giving today, which I usually try to avoid. I don't know if it was good or not.

I walked from one appointment to another. I had plenty of time and looked for photos on the way. It was a beautiful walk. I had been down that road many times on a motor bike or tuk-tuk, but had never walked down it before. It is amazing how differently you see things when you slow down and really look. I used to think this city was nothing but ugly. (sometimes I still do) But today I was filled up and saturated with beauty, awaiting me around literally every corner and down every alley.

When I got home Mr. said the kitty had been full of frisk and naughtiness today. He was right. We had to take off to Hebrew class, and then supper, but when we got home she really wanted to play. All I had to do was start toward her direction and she'd take off running, tail straight in the air. She zoomed around the house a while; I chased and pounced and threw her toys. I hope I wore her out. Not too long she'll be one year old. But she's pretty much still a kitten.

I'm tired; it's time for bed. And my toe still hurts, by the way.

oil

Good day. Quiet day. It rained practically all day, which is unusual. Even better, I did not have to go out in it, which is also a little unusual.

The cat, however, is out of sorts. I don't know if she doesn't like the rain, or the fact that the house is cooler than usual. But she curled up and moped and dozed most of the day. I tried to play with her, but she doesn't seem to be in the mood. Except, when I was making supper she jumped stubbornly and repeatedly up onto the counter. Definitely not her normal self.

I made good progress this morning, exercising, answering e-mails, designing a map for Mr.'s Bible class. We did go out for breakfast (before the rain) and got groceries. For supper tonight I made chicken corn soup; a recipe from Mr.'s mom. It's a little intimidating making something she has made forever. But I seem to have pulled it off.

This afternoon I had my half day with God. I tried it at home again. I always fall asleep. But after a short nap (Who can blame me? Mr. and the cat were both sleeping and it was drippy and gray and cool. There was no other option, really.) I got in a few good hours of study. I still long for that feeling of connection. I prayed for the last half hour or so, which had a pretty intimate feeling about it.

So, I don't know if all this exercise is changing my body at all (except for the progressively achy knee) but I actually feel different about myself when I look in the mirror. Crazy, huh? I don't think my clothes fit any differently, but I feel better about myself simply because I'm making good choices. I'm putting in the work. Hopefully I will see actual physical results soon, but it's amazing to note the difference in perception.

 Yesterday I was in a pretty good mood. I looked around and saw people, and they actually looked nice to me. I tried to catch some photos of them from the back of a speeding moto, but no luck. I was heading to a massage, and was anticipating a bit of relaxation.

Unfortunately, I made a guy lose face almost immediately upon arriving at the spa. :-( It's a new place, giving 30% discounts, so it's pretty affordable. My friend and I chose a back and shoulder massage, and they showed us into a room. There were pajama type clothes to change into. However, I asked if the massage we had chosen included oil or not, because we wouldn't wear the pajamas if they were going to use oil. The guy answered, "Do you want oil, because you can have it if you want." Now, this type of deference is not unusual, but it really bugs me. I tried to explain I didn't have any preconceived ideas, I just wanted to know what they normally do. He kept saying I could have oil if I wanted.

Then I was ticked, and said, "Just tell me what you normally do!" He said they don't use oil for a back and shoulder massage. I said OK and he left us to change. Then, in a bit, another guy walked in with a cell phone. It was the manager. She said, "Sorry my employee doesn't speak English. We DO use oil for the back and shoulder massage." I tried to tell her I was speaking in the local language, but then realized. The guy just didn't know the answer to my question. That's why he was so evasive. So, I was a pushy jerk and didn't even intend to be.

Bummer. I wasn't even in a bad mood. :-(

The massage, by the way, was very good. I had some particularly tight muscles in my back from exercising. I told the masseuse to give me a good, hard massage. Regretted it only a few times, when she dug in with her elbows right on the sore muscles. I almost jumped off the table. However, I think it helped. I think. Maybe next time I'll go for a more relaxing one.