self-image

I was talking with a girl last week who admitted to struggling with self-esteem. With an embarrassed laugh she said, "Well, I guess who doesn't, right?" I smiled sympathetically and nodded with understanding—deciding that it wasn't the right time to admit that I have really never struggled with a poor self-image.

If anything, my bigger problem is probably having too positive an opinion of myself from time to time. I know some have found me over-confident and annoyingly self-assured. I have never doubted for a moment that I am loved and valuable.

But I in my security, and my friend in her insecurity are actually probably making the same mistake at the root of things. I think I am loved because there is something about myself that is worthy of love. She doesn't believed she's loved, because she doesn't think she's worthy. We're both right, and both wrong.

I was reading a book today and it made a point that really made me stop and consider. It basically said God loves, because it is His nature. It is Who He is. He loves us because He is love, not because we are lovable. But because God loves us, we are beloved. Because He values us, we become valuable.

My friend is right: none of us are worthy of God's love. But I'm right too: we are passionately, unconditionally loved.

The book I was reading quoted A. W. Tozer, who said, "If nothing in us can win Thy love, nothing in the universe can prevent Thee from loving us. Thy love is uncaused and undeserved. Our troubled hearts will be at peace when we come to trust not in what we are but in what Thou hast declared Thyself to be."

God loves because He is love. Nothing about us is lovable. But because God chooses us to love, we are beloved. The book went on to quote Saint John of the cross, "When God looks, He loves, and by this look of love, He makes the Beloved gracious and pleasing to Himself."

It strikes me that neither my friend nor I need to work on changing our self-image. What is needed, rather, is to know God better. When we have an accurate understanding of Who He is, we have an accurate understanding of who we are. Not only will we see how very little we deserve love, we will also never again doubt how utterly loved we are.

kids

I don't have kids. Those of you who follow me might have guessed that already, by how regularly I post about my cat. :-) But twice in the last 24 hours kids have made me feel pretty awesome.

Last night we saw our friends to the airport—for the second time. They have two small kids, 2 years and under, and so we just tried to be extra hands and eyes and brains, when possible. It was late by the time we all left for the airport, and the kids had been sleeping. We carried bags down and packed them into the vehicle they were taking.

The kids were the last "items" to be loaded into the vehicle, with their parents. When the two-year-old saw me, his groggy head came up off of his mom's shoulder and he called out my name, with a cheerful "Hi!" He repeated his greeting enthusiastically two more times, twisting the "r" in my name into an endearing "w".

What does it mean to have a two-year-old embrace you so completely? To be delighted to see you? I tell you, it warmed my heart. But I must admit, it's an honor of which I feel completely unworthy.

Then this morning I got a note from my old roommate. She has stepped into an instant family, becoming step-mom to three little ones a few months ago. But I can tell she's doing a great job, like I knew she would.

She wrote that the kids are praying for God to take away the spot of cancer on my chin. And they have never even met me. First of all, I do not deserve this!

Second of all, why am I not praying that way? I have been asking God to give the doctors wisdom; to help us as we make the appointments and travel arrangements; to help them get it all when they cut; to please let this be an isolated incident, and not become a recurring problem that I'm going to deal with the rest of my life.

But did it occur to me to ask, "God, just take it away now, won't You?" No, it did not.

Have I lost the childlike faith that believes in actual miracles? Maybe.

I do know my life is a bit richer and fuller today because of other people's kids. And it has taken me rather by surprise. What a blessing!

[Side note: we will travel to a neighboring country with more modern medical care for the surgery. I have put my name in for an appointment by e-mail. If they can take me on the date we requested, it looks like I'll be having the procedure done in about two weeks.]

[Unless, of course, the spot just disappears before then!]

jitters

She looked at me startled, and repeated the sounds as if they were new to her ears and her tongue.

“de-caf”

I nodded and repeated clearly, confidently. “DECAF.”

She answered, “OK,” cheerfully, and went to place my order.

Surely, surely this employee of this particular coffee shop—whose big selling points are their western atmosphere and decaffeinated coffee—surely she understood “decaf.”

There is, of course, a way to say “decaffeinated coffee” in the local language. It's more like a phrase, which literally translated comes out to be something like, “coffee that doesn't have the drug caffeine in it.” I have used that phrase with limited success here, usually to have the national argue with me that coffee doesn’t have drugs in it.

So I typically just stick with “decaf”. In an establishment like this, it usually works.

However, about half-way into my caramel macchiato, I knew it had failed me this time. My racing heart, shaking hands and rising sense of anxiety were ample evidence that this coffee did, in fact, have drugs in it.

Ugh. And so I fought jitters the rest of the morning and on into the afternoon. In spite of my keyed up state, I managed to have a few really good hours with God. Then met Mr. for lunch. Home and translated a document all afternoon. (Try doing THAT with a coffee buzz going!) Fortunately, my mind loves thinking in that way; working my way through a translation is sort of like trying to solve a puzzle. I find it very stimulating.

Mr. made supper (good guy) and now we're about to head out to the airport for round two of seeing our friends off. Let's hope things go better this time! No, wait. They just called. Another hour delay. Looks like I have time to post this before we leave, after all.

fried

I have literally been writing e-mails all day, and I'll tell you—my brain is fried, especially the word-processing part of it! It amazes me that I can spend almost 6 straight hours doing something that people had never even heard of 30 years ago!

Do you realize that when I was born no one knew the stress of an in-box piled full of unanswered e-mails?? How much new anxiety have we created for ourselves with the invention of modern "conveniences" that are meant to make our lives easier?

Not that I'm complaining, really. (Yes, I realize it kind of sounds like I'm complaining…) I was actually able to get a LOT of communicating done today. It was a very productive day, even though it did leave me glassy-eyed and mentally mushy.

So now it's time to push away from the computer; that friendly glowing screen that connects me to the outside world, stores all the things I can't remember, and enables me to create countless documents and designs. Again, amazing how this electronic device has become an essential part of my every-day life.

I am making supper here at home, a friend is coming over, and then we're going to see some other friends off at the airport. They're heading back to the US for a few months, and we will be there to wish them well.

Very social activities to balance out a very reclusive day in which a 17" screen became basically my whole world.

(Yes. Be envious. Seventeen inches. I'm a designer, after all!)

**Post script: We went with our friends to the airport, only to find that their 11:30 pm flight was delayed. Waited another few hours until the status changed to "delayed indefinitely". Bad news. Late night for everyone.

photo

Home LATE. Again. After another busy day. Good day, too, but busy. It's past 11:30, and I really just want to play with the kitty a little bit and go to bed. I'm not going to write anything of substance at this hour, and besides—it's Monday, which means that I already spent an hour or so writing a devotional/update. On top of that, I have a weird headache pounding intermittently behind my left eye. Not conducive to creativity.

However, I am pleased with the photo I shot today, so I'm posing that, with pride. Sorry for the lack of a good entry to go with it.

make-believe

I have never been one for “life verses”. But one has been growing on me in the past month or two, and I'm seriously consider taking it on as my own.

“I have set the Lord continually before me; because He is at my right hand I will not be shaken.” (Psalm 16:8)

With apologies to my faithful, one and only commenter, I am just not getting around to responding. I fully intended to, but between posting every day, and my schedule filling more and more, I'm having trouble working it in.

SO, here are a few thoughts I would have written, if I had found the time. Is it poor blogging etiquette to respond to a comment with another post? I hope not.

I am intrigued more and more by what it means, what it might look like to “set the Lord continually before me.” To be aware of Him constantly with me, to be in ongoing dialogue with Him. It sounds unattainable.

However, I know that my daydreams usually take me in the opposite direction. I know my own head and heart. I know they move farther from God when I allow myself to fantasize.

Those conversations we have in our head? I have had many. They swirl and spiral and often go nowhere. I have played and replayed alternate responses and endings for situations that never materialized. I have spent countless hours and energy rehearsing conversations that never happened.

I am not against being prepared, but at least for me, I know that these internal dialogues are just worry. They are me trying to “handle” things on my own. Solve problems myself. They are examples of how I leave God out of the picture.

And then there are the daydreams. Beautiful. Exciting. Comforting. You of all people know how much I love creativity and imagination. They are part of who I am. I believe they are gifts from God.

But when I turn to dreams rather than to God to fill a desire or a need, I am misusing those good gifts He gave me. All of those lovely pretendings—there is nothing real about them. And the crazy thing about God is that He is the ultimate reality, and so far beyond anything I can grasp that I could use all my creative powers to imagine what He must be like, and I will forever fall short of the truth. The reality of who He is so totally blows away any fantasy I could create for myself.

I also risk falling into discontentment if I allow myself to daydream too much. I really have so many good things in my life. But when I imagine an alternate world just the way I want, it seems so perfect that I have trouble being content with real life—with its quirks and troubles and flaws. Because as we know, “Life’s messy…”

A few verses later in Psalm 16:11 it says, “In Your presence is fullness of joy; In Your right hand there are pleasures forever.” All those beautiful things I pursue in my dreams are found in Him. Why not spend my time dreaming about Him?

tomorrow

“Tomorrow, and tomorrow, and tomorrow, creeps in this petty pace from day to day…”

Seriously. I have no idea what Shakespeare was talking about. Nothing about these days or this month has crept by. It has flown, and I can hardly keep up. I can't believe how close we are to the end of August. And it isn't just this month, either. According to my “post counter”, in another month or so I will have been doing this blog for a whole year. It's really hard to believe. Where did the time go???

I have been pushing all week. Today was another very full day. Although I didn't at all do the things I expected to do. I ditched computer work and e-mailing (which really needs done) for housework and food preparation (which also needed done). I ended up happy with the decision. It felt good to be domestic. Then I spent about four hours in the afternoon coaching. It was both tiring and exhilarating.

Somewhere in the middle of the day I did it again. Yes, I stood in the middle of the street to get a photo. I really need to stop doing that. The only problem is that I keep getting rewarded with good shots.

And so, having survived today, tomorrow is just around the corner. I'm really looking forward to it. It's been such a busy week, and tomorrow I get to just rest and chill out, and mostly only do the things I want to do.

Yessss!

ponderance

Today was the third in a string of very full, busy days. Jogged, met a friend to take photos, visited with said friend over tea and breakfast, quiet time, lunch meeting, coaching, errands, lesson prep, supper, more lesson prep, blog writing.

However, I was able to slip away for a brief time with God. I was feeling a little bad about it, actually. I had hoped for a good 3 to 4 hours, but ended up with less than two. But I think God honored my puny efforts, because the study that I managed to get in really left me with some things to ponder.

I read through Psalm 104, and studied a commentary on it. Here are four things that I either saw afresh, or saw for the first time:

1. the miracle that our planet is teeming with life in a galaxy full of uninhabited planets

2. the beautiful rhythm of day and night

3. creation (specifically creatures) being the riches of God

4. the uniqueness of humans, as the only created thing that is actually aware of and able to appreciate the wonders of nature, of which he is a part

I had taken all of these things for granted, or just not given them much thought. I really feel grateful that God took the effort to show me so many new things in the short time that I was actually able to give Him.

Hope for more soon…

pork

I had two interesting conversations with the lady who sells me pork, one right after another this morning. I find the sequence funny.

"I'll have one kilogram of pork." (I always buy a kilogram.)

"How many people are you going to feed?" (A local would typically buy 1/5 of a kilogram to feed an entire family.)

"Oh. Four."

Eyebrows raised, lips pursed. Then, she said…

"You're losing weight."

(Pleased that she noticed.) "Yes!"

"Really. You're skinnier than before."

"Yes, thank you!"

"Are you sick?"

"Oh. No, I just exercise a lot."

Eyebrows raised, lips pursed.

I can actually guess at her thought process, wondering how in the world I can pig out on so much meat and still manage to lose weight.

Anyway. It was a humorous spot in a very busy, but good—looooong—day. It was time to call it a night a few hours ago, so… that's it for tonight.

flood

Today I got caught in two floods. First I was swamped in a deluge of meetings. Then, on our way to the last meeting (which was really a Hebrew class) we got drenched in an actual downpour.

I felt like I was going flat out all day. Two skype meetings, then a lunch meeting. A bit of time at home doing some design work and then homework for the Hebrew class.

Mr. taught a Bible class at 4 and was going to pick me up by 5 so that we could get across town for Hebrew. By 4:30 the sky opened up and poured. I wondered if we could just stay in tonight. It was still raining steadily when Mr. walked in the door at 5 'til 5. I asked him if we were still going to class, and he said, "Well, I'm already wet."

It's true. He was soaked. I wasn't, but that didn't seem to bother him! :-)

So we wrapped our text books in plastic bags, and ourselves in flimsy plastic rain ponchos, piled on the motorbike and took off across town. Not only did we get wet from the rain, about half the roads we took were flooded, so we got splashed from below as well.

It took about half an hour, but we made it to class. The top half of me had fared pretty well, but from the waist down I was soaked. I enjoyed the lesson and was glad we had decided to brave the elements. However, the room was air conditioned, and by the time class was over I was freezing. Cold nose, cold hands, and numb legs. Mr. was cold too, but he loved every minute of it.

I suggested we go get pho for supper. What a good choice. That hot, steamy bowl of soup warmed me from the inside out. Mmmmm. It was exactly what I needed.

Home again, we vegged out watching a bit of TV. Now I'm ready to chase the kitty around a little and get to bed. Can't wait to cuddle down under warm covers. I realize it's in the 80's, but hey—I got quite a chill today.

meetings

[from August 21, posted late]

First off, nobody sent angry e-mails in response to the update I wrote last night. Christians are too "nice" for that, I guess. (You're not good, you're not bad, you're just nice.)

Well, I take it back. We did get an e-mail from one guy who liked what we had written. But I have the sneaking suspicion it's because he thinks we should take a dose of our own medicine, and that we owe him an apology. Yeah, that was kind of not nice in its own way.

So, this week is simply crazy packed full of meetings for me. I am writing this post late because I had a meeting from 6 to 9:30 pm. And it took a half an hour to get to and from said meeting, getting me home quite late. Whew.

And somehow I walked away from that meeting having agreed to more responsibility. HOW does that happen???

Our director seemed impressed last week to hear of all the responsible positions we have been filling for various groups and organizations. I am paraphrasing, but he said something like, "Well, I guess if other people recognize your leadership potential, then you must have it…"

First of all, thanks a lot. (I'm smiling here. Didn't really take offense. Much.) ;-)

But second of all, I'm afraid availability is different than leadership ability. It just seems like we're willing to step in and fill gaps that others are too busy to fill. It doesn't hurt that we're pretty capable at a variety of things, and reasonably organized. But still… does that make us leaders? I don't know. I guess it depends on your definition of leadership.

So, the rest of the week, too, is crammed full of meetings and I'm wondering just how that happened, and is this going to be the norm from now on, or is this week just exceptional?

I hope things slow down a bit.

Oh, one exciting development, I did carve out a bit of time in my day for writing. I am nearing the end of my first short story! It was hard to stop writing and tend to other pressing tasks, but I managed it. Now that I'm so close to being finished, it's hard not to just race to the end. But bit by bit. That's the best way.

It has been fascinating watching a story take shape. I had a general idea of where I wanted to go with it when I began, but every time I sat down to write it sort of took on a life of its own, taking twists and turns that surprised even me. Kind of like, "Well, I didn't see that coming!" Very intriguing process.

It definitely keeps me coming back for more.

controversy

Woo hoo. I just wrote our weekly update. And I think it's going to tick some people off.

Ack. I hate controversy. But sometimes I think the status quo needs to be challenged. Especially when it comes to dyed-in-the-wool, over-confident, overly comfortable church goers. And tonight was one of those nights. What's the point in writing, after all, if you're just going to say things people like to hear?

I read a quote in a book a while ago, "If you want to change the world, pick up a pen." It kind of stuck with me. We've been trying to change things here for 12 years, with no success. Could it be we've been going about it in the wrong way?

Anyway, if you happen to be someone who is "lucky" enough to receive both my blog and my weekly update, you might wonder what I'm going on about. Seriously, we both worked to make the update as non-offensive as possible. (I write, then Mr. gets a chance to edit and tweak, so it's a group effort.)

But just you wait. I bet we'll get some angry e-mails tomorrow. I'll let you know how things turn out.

Sorry for the short entry. I kind of expended my writing energies on the other update tonight.

reality

I slipped a little today and got caught up in a daydream. I haven't done that for quite a while. I always feel bad when I lose command of my mind like that. It wanders into a scenario and I try to pull it back to here and now. But there's just something so gratifying about crafting conversations, envisioning scenes, making a story in your head. And then my inner critics begin to argue.

"You shouldn't try to escape reality like this. Stay present. Stay engaged."

"But what's the difference between making up a story in my head, and watching one on TV?"

That's where the argument always comes to a stand-still, and my mind, feeling quite smug, continues with the fantasy.

But today I stopped to think: how many hours a day do I watch TV? If you subtract things like news, sports, etc., it still leaves about an hour or two a day that I focus on something that is completely unreal. 

On top of that, I spent over an hour writing today, and also an hour or so reading a classic novel. So, frankly, more of my day was spent in fictional worlds than in the real one.

Then tonight at supper with a few friends, the conversation turned to movies and shows that we had seen. And it was fun. Lots of laughter as we talked of characters and favorite scenes and funny anecdotes. But again I was brought up short: none of this is real. All of those people and situations are made-up.

Don't get me wrong: I love the arts. Theater, movies, TV, storytelling. I don't think there's anything inherently wrong with entertainment and creativity. But I wonder how it is that fiction has come to claim such significant chunks of our time and attention.

Would the world be better off if we spent more time in reality? Would we be better people? Deeper? Smarter? Were extraordinary people of the past outstanding because they didn't have so many distractions? What does God think about the time we spend escaping? Why isn't He as attractive an option?

Frankly I know He will always be more satisfying, fulfilling, beautiful than any movie, daydream or TV show. But truthfully, He's a lot more work. It's just so much easier to drift away into make-believe—whether it's my own or someone else's.

But still. I always get the sense I'm settling for second best. Something "less than".

in

I just realized as I sat down to write that I haven't left the house all day. I don't quite know how that fact can sneak up and surprise a person, but there it is. I stayed in all day.

Not that I wasn't busy. I was up by 5 making food for a ladies' brunch. Had it in the crock pot by 7. I did a bit of e-mail, then tried to "redd up" the house, as they say in Mr.'s part of the world. It means straighten, or "make ready". (And if you're familiar with that phrase, then you know where he's from.) Showered, and then made pancakes.

The ladies arrived and we had a nice leisurely brunch and talked until about 1:30. Good discussions. I hope everyone was encouraged.

After they left I gave myself permission to rest a bit, then cleaned up all the food and dishes. My one coffee shop appointment canceled, and that's how I ended up never going out. I decided to make some phone calls and do some writing, both of which took me out of here to other places.

Before I knew it, it was time to start cooking again. I made a pretty basic, simple supper, but it still took over an hour to get together. I thought about that TV show Chopped, and realized I could NEVER get a dish around in 20 or 30 minutes. Crazy.

I also realized when I sat down to start blogging, that I had not yet taken today's photo. Never even pulled out the camera once. So, I snapped photos of the clean dishes drying on the rack. They were beautiful to me simply for the uniformity of color and the rhythm of the plates, one after the other. But also beautiful for the people who fellowshipped around them and the food they held, which was enjoyed by all. They also speak of work competed and finished, which is quite satisfying to me.

So, I end a day in which I never left my house, tired. It was a pretty full day of work, believe it or not. And it started quite early. I am ready for bed.

change

So, it's already 10 pm, and I'm just getting started on this post. Not good news, especially since I have some food prep waiting to be done yet before I go to bed. And a little kitty who is feeling frisky.

Everything got pushed back later than I intended, because we took some friends up on a last-minute invitation to go out for supper. One woman has just returned after 3 months of being away, so it was kind of a welcome back/let us help you stay awake to fight jet lag kind of gathering. Of course, she was an hour late because she fell asleep trying to unpack.

But it was a really nice evening, with really great people. There were four of us from the US, one Aussie, and one Dutch lady—who, I learned tonight, would prefer to be called a "Netherlander". :-) The blend of our different personalities and cultural backgrounds makes it a really interesting group. I always enjoy it when we get together.

As I looked around the table at the others I felt a bit sad that we are soon to leave, and no longer be a part of this group. But then I realized, even if we weren't going, this group still wouldn't stay the same. In fact, one person is leaving sooner that we are, going back to their home country in three weeks. Another thinks she'll only be around about two years more. Many of them are single (OK, actually Mr. and I were the only married people there tonight) and their lives might change at any time with the addition of a significant other.

And so what we have is this moment in time. A brief interval when our lives intersect as we reside in the same geographic location. Soon to scatter and diffuse ourselves across different parts of the globe.

Where will we all end up? Will we stay in touch? What was the reason that our paths crossed and joined for this short chapter?

And above all, why do I feel caught by surprise that life is constantly shifting and changing? It is irrational for me to expect things to stay the same. Even if I didn't live such a transient lifestyle in a place where people come and go so frequently, life still wouldn't remain static. It never does. So why does change continually come as a shock to my system?

I think maybe it's an echo of eternity left over in the human soul. A time where there are no endings, no good-byes. We want good things to last forever, and that's exactly what they will do when time is done away with and all the stories have been written. All the "happilies" will truly be "ever after" then.

But that's not now. Now we're in the middle of the story. Now things are always in flux. Now all we can do is savor the "happilies" as long as they last, and be grateful for them once they're over.

Yeah. It was a good evening.

Warning

Warning to all you pessimists who insist on doing us optimists a "favor" by enlightening us to "reality" as you see it: you might just be left with a demoralized whimpering blob once you are done. Believe me, you won't like it. For the good of us both, just leave well enough alone!

Trust me. We can't handle it. Optimists (at least this one) need the rosy pictures they envision, the hope of something better, simply to get up and face the day. We cannot function with the doom and gloom outlook you maintain—no matter how grounded your conclusions are in experience and fact. You somehow manage to be able to exist, even thrive, with this dismal perspective day to day. I applaud you. But I simply can't.

And so it was, after an ice water dose of Mr.'s "realism" yesterday, that I woke up today completely overwhelmed and unmotivated to leave the safety of my bed. I was awake a while before Mr., and watched him wake up. As he got out of bed I said, "So, how are you?"

Warily he turned back toward me. "I'm OK. How are you?"

"Mmmm. I'm OK too, I guess." (big sigh)

Mr.: "Do you want to talk?"

Me: "I want comforted."

Mr.: "How can I do that?"

Me: "Tell me we're going to be all right, and mean it."

Mr.: (sigh, or snicker, I'm not sure which) "We're going to be all right."

Me: "You don't believe that."

Mr.: "Yes I do. We've been all right up to this point, right?"

Me: "Yeah. I guess."

Mr.: "You OK now?"

Me: "Yeah, I guess."

He leaves. I cry a little bit. He comes back in.

"Your cat's waiting to play with you."

Yeah, that did it. Got me out of bed. Mr. knows me way too well. :-/

But seriously, you pessimists. Don't mess with a good thing. You're going to pay for it later when the optimist falls to pieces and you have to manufacture some semblance of hope just to help her pull herself back together. It isn't pretty. You have been warned.

deflated

I hate feeling very upbeat and positive, only to have someone burst it like a balloon on a cactus.

And that happens quite frequently when an optimist like me is married to a pessimist like Mr. (although he prefers to be known as a "realist").

I woke up this morning very encouraged by the past few days which we spent with our director. I thought things went better than I had even dared hoped for. Then I made the mistake of asking Mr. about his impressions of the meetings. He saw many negatives and listed them off despondently.

Whoosh. My good mood was gone. I was simply deflated. Not because I believed all of his analysis, necessarily, but because I had so wanted him to be encouraged, too.

And besides, it takes work to stay positive, even for those of us who are naturally inclined to do so. His glum outlook weighed my light spirits down until they were dragging the ground again.

On top of that, I wanted to stay and enjoy the lovely surroundings of the hotel until we needed to check out at noon. (Our director left at 8.) But Mr. had lots of responsibilities and work to get done, so we checked out at the same time as our guest.

By the time we reached home (a 5 minute drive at best) I was grumpy and depressed. The kitty, however, was very thrilled with the arrangement. She gets very lonely when we're away. She rolled and purred and improved my mood some.

I sort of fumbled through the day, getting a few things done, but wasting a good bit of time in between productivity. Frustrating to just muddle through like that.

Before supper we attended a Biblical Hebrew class. I am way out of my depth in the material, but actually manage to hold my own when we do exercises in class. It's all review for Mr., who has studied it before. In any case, it was a very enjoyable time an we came out feeling somewhat better.

And supper was just nice. Relaxed. Ate at one of the pho shops on the way home. We have our favorite, and they are coming to know us by now. Yeah for pho! A true comfort food.

Then home to more kitty antics, which make me laugh. She's resting up right now but I feel sure it's only until she gets her second wind.…

As for me, I don't think a second wind is in store for tonight, so I should just get on to bed. Night!

epiphany

[note: this was meant to be posted August 14]

I don't know what happened, but our director somehow woke up this morning and got it. He seemed to actually understand where we were coming from. And so today was a productive day of working toward a common goal. Wonderful!

I also came to an epiphany during all this talk of leaving this foreign place and going back to the States. I keep thinking of it as going home, and in many ways it will be. But it won't be like I remember it.

Since I have been gone, Home has changed. It has gone through 9/11, three presidential terms, the birth of Facebook, and the death of the housing market. People have changed because of this, societies have changed.

And I have changed. Twelve years in another country have left a permanent mark on who I am, how I think.

Accordingly, I know that adjusting to life back in the US will not be without its bumps and shocks. Some things will feel blessedly familiar and comfortable, but gradually the differences will start to make themselves felt. How will I respond when I realize I don't quite fit like I used to? When I have trouble making sense of things? When I have to come to grips with the fact that home is more a mirage than a reality?

I don't know.

snatches

Our director is in town and we are hosting him. The rest of life suddenly seems very hard to fit in, as we give him most of our time. All our other responsibilities (which do indeed go on regardless of who is in town) have to be dealt with in short snatches of time, as they become available.

I did get in my morning jog. Stopped to see the kitty for a little bit. (I saw her twice today, also in short little snatches.) Then we were pretty constantly with him until about 8:30 this evening. Fortunately, he is still dealing with jet lag and decided to head to bed early. For the last hour I have frantically been typing e-mails and trying to get caught up.

Please don't get me wrong. We like this guy. It isn't a hardship to spend time with him. But it's crazy how consuming visitors can be, especially when the rest of your activities do not stop while they're here.

I don't have much to report yet about our meetings, or our desire for clarity about the future. I'd give the first day a 3 out of 5 stars. Not tragic, but not super encouraging, either. There were a number of times when we were clearly missing each other in our communication.

I found my mind clicking off a few times, and felt quite bad about it—always shaking myself into sharper focus on what he was saying. But I realized finally that I just wasn't interested in talking about some of the more theoretical or philosophical aspects of our occupation. I have clearly lost passion for this line of work.

I was also out of things because I'm still fighting that cold, and my jog this morning left me feeling absolutely whupped.

All good reasons why I should wrap this up and just go to bed. Sorry for the lack of depth or focus. Hard to snatch time for reflection these days. I'll try to do better after Wednesday. Before that I just can't many any guarantees…

apple

So, after re-reading my blog last night I must admit I felt a bit foolish. There I was criticizing my dad's poor choices, and then I end the piece by describing myself standing in the middle of traffic to get a photo. Some might be tempted to say the apple doesn't fall too far from the tree.

OK. Fair. But I hope I have learned some things from my dad's lifetime of folly so that I don't have to repeat all his mistakes. Of course, I am sure to make up a few new ones of my own. :-(

Today was a good day. Picked up our regional director at the air port, made him watch UFC (mixed martial arts) at our house, checked into a nice hotel, went to church, made him stay up past 8 pm to help him over jet lag. I had a lot of responsibility in the church service, and it went well. But I must admit I'm glad it's done.

Tomorrow is a big day. We have "talks" with our director concerning our future. I am not convinced we're on the same page. Also, half a world away, my aunt has surgery for breast cancer. Big day.

I hope to get up quite early and do my jog/walk like usual, swinging by our house so I can check on the little cat and give her food. The hotel is close enough that I can practically run my same old route, just backwards. With a few adjustments. Should be interesting. Maybe I'll like it better—you never know!

And I'm fighting a cold.

So, I am going to wrap this up and get to bed. I will need to be firing on all cylinders tomorrow.

Nabal

I talked to a real-life Nabal today. It was very sad. A man who has developed diabetes in his later years due to terrible lifestyle choices was telling me that he and his wife were going to a seminar on managing diabetes tomorrow.

He said, "The wife, she'll probably take all kinds of notes. She's always trying to give me natural this and low sugar that, sneaking in health foods. Me, I just like to eat what I like to eat, and enjoy it. If I pay for it later, I pay for it later."

It's hard to know how to respond to such a darkened understanding.

Other than that the talk with my parents went pretty well. :-/

When mom picked up the phone and heard it was us, she immediately asked what was wrong. I hate it that she was right. We just laughed her question off and chit-chatted a while. Then I had to admit that, indeed, we had some news.

She took it pretty well from what I could tell. She was somber and disappointed. But not too terribly shaken. My dad has had a lot of skin cancer removed (another result of Nabal actions) and so she said she kind of knew what to expect and wasn't too worried about it. Now, whether or not she slept much that night (we caught them right before bed time), I can't tell you. But she kept herself brave and upbeat while we were talking.

I kind of muddled through the rest of the day as though wading through mud, although I really needed to be productive. We will be hosting our regional director starting tomorrow for a few days, and there were some things I really needed to get accomplished before he arrived. I got about half of them done; I will need to try to work the rest in as I can, I guess.

But right now I think it's bed time. We were up early to make the phone call this morning, and I have the beginnings of a sore throat, and I'm supposed to lead singing at church tomorrow, which will be difficult if I truly succumb to this cold.

And the kitty needs some attention. :-)

PS: At the end of our conversation my mom begged me to wear sun screen all the time and please take care of myself. So, when I went out today I dutifully smeared on the slimy stuff. But not too long afterward I stood in the middle of a busy road to get the photo for today. I doubt my mom would be pleased, but I love the shot! :-P