misc.

Just random thoughts tonight.

Mr. cracked me up last night. I didn't have any plan or idea what to have for supper. He double clicked on a folder on his desktop and said, "Let's see what new recipes we can try." I said, "Do you just wander the internet looking for new recipes?" "Well," he replied, "You just see them now and then and think, 'That looks good,' so you save them to try later."

Not only did he come up with a winner recipe, he got the groceries required, and did all the cooking too. Am I spoiled? Yes I am.

I'm thinking I should do a photo exhibit entitled "Beauty and Barbed Wire." It is so prevalent here, you can't help but catch it as you take photos. And believe it or not, some of the shots are pretty nice. Who knew that barbed wire could be beautiful. I'll include a second photo tonight in its honor.

And finally I realized today that I like writing in a journal simply for the sheer pleasure of forming the letters. Yes, of course, I want to capture my thoughts, but it struck me today that a large part of the appeal was the simple satisfaction of writing the characters in an aesthetically pleasing way. Hmmm.

delay

How does one start heading for bed at 9:00 and not actually get there until almost midnight? Well, let me tell you.

First, lie in bed a bit and do Sudoku, to settle you in and still your mind. At just the time that you can't keep your eyes open any longer and you turn out your bed-side light, your little cat will come bounding in. This is the little cat who has slept practically all day, and you didn't have the heart to wake, because she looked so cute curled up in a little fuzzy ball.

She, on the other hand, will have no qualms about waking you, and will pounce on you whenever you move one muscle under the sheets. If you are unresponsive to said advances, she will yowl loudly, in a most pitiful way. Then you will repent of your hard-heartedness and you will get up and chase her around the apartment for a while, hiding, rolling balls, letting her attack your hand as if it was small prey.

When finally the kitty is lying stretched out on the tiles, sufficiently worn out, you will hear your husband call from the office. A friend half a world away has just popped up on skype and wonders if we're available to talk. You think, well, why not? I am awake this late, what's another hour, more or less?

You will proceed to have a really nice talk, disturbed only by your repeated yawning, which he doesn't catch because the picture quality on skype isn't all that great.

And finally, you, Mr. and the cat all snuggle into bed around midnight.

(Only to be awakened at 3:00 and 5:00, as the cat is frisky and wants to play. Even when you shut her out of the room, she charges the door, jumping at the door knob and claws at the wood.)

restart

So, last week I let everything slide. I didn't blog, I didn't exercise. I didn't even slip away for my half day with God. Everything went to pot. I was sick, and I had the big calendar project to finish. I survived the week, and I count that a significant achievement.

But this week is a new start. No more slacking. And so it was that I got up this morning determined to get back into rhythm. I still didn't feel great, so I chose one of my less strenuous workouts. But I did it nonetheless. I am definitely not at 100% yet, though. It was rough.

I didn't get much else done on my "to do" list, but it wasn't in a bad way. Some days I just stall out in motivation, or feel so down that I can't get going. But not today. I was physically tired, yes, so I napped a bit. But I also just did other things that I hadn't been able to tend to last week. I went to the market and got food to make supper. I read, I did a bit of writing.

I don't feel bad about the day. It was quiet, restful, and I caught up on some neglected things. However, I know I have a huge list of tasks waiting. I still feel drug out from the dregs of this cold hanging on. I will need to be more on my game tomorrow, but am having trouble really jumping back into things. Start slow and pick up speed: that will be the plan for this week, I guess.

wash

Please don't get me wrong. I truly appreciate the fact that a lady comes to clean my house for a few hours three days a week. It is convenient and I am glad to be relieved of some of the work. But on the other hand, it will be something I won't exactly mind leaving behind, either.

In some ways, it actually adds a bit of extra stress to have another woman puttering around your house. You want things done a certain way. You like things in a certain order. You have specific places where things go. She has other ideas. It doesn't matter that it isn't her house, she just does things the way she wants. I get tired of making suggestions and corrections over and over. Sometimes I conclude it isn't worth the fight.

Here's one example. We have a washing machine. Most nationals don't have them, and so don't exactly understand how they work. I showed her how to use it, and have begged her time and again to use a plentiful amount of laundry soap, and to set the water level to high. (I would explain that there needs to be plenty of water for the clothes to slosh around, except I don't know how to say "slosh" in the local language.) But she thinks she's saving me money by skimping on the water and soap. I can't tell you how many times I have been half-way through a day only to have a shirt start smelling a little ripe, simply because it wasn't terribly clean in the first place.

A few days ago I stripped the bed and left the sheets and pillow cases for her to throw in the wash. When they were finished, I helped her hang them up to dry, because they're very large. As we were spreading one sheet out I noticed part of it was dry. Strange. I remarked on the dry spot. She said it's because that sheet was on top. I said, well then you didn't use enough water to begin with; we'll have to do the load again. To which she replied, changing her tune, no, that part just dried quickly; there isn't any reason to do the wash again.

I surrendered, tired of dealing with this same issue again and again. But when she left I did the load over, using generous soap and plenty of water. She really isn't saving us time or money if I have to redo the job.

And it isn't even work I mind doing. I did all my own cleaning for years before hiring her, and found it satisfying. We were just trying to be kind by giving her a source of income. I'm still glad we've done it, but it's a tension I won't be sad to leave behind.

high

Thursday I had two meetings. They took a good chunk of the day, but were one-on-one and rather low key. In between times, I had that rather lost feeling of someone who has pushed hard to a deadline and finds themselves on the other side, purposeless. I knew I had lots of other things to do, but just couldn't quite remember what they were.

I did, however, feel an urgency to keep looking for places to stay in Florida. I think I forgot to mention that sometime in this past week we officially arranged with our organization to take a leave of absence for a year so that we can do our sabbatical. It's basically resigning, but not quite. We will have no income, insurance, etc. But if we decide, at the end of the year, that we want to continue with the organization, we can just step back in; no re-application required.

So, that means we're NOT staying for the regional meeting in early January, which also means that we're leaving here about a month earlier than we originally planned, which also means we'll be with family for Christmas, and have a longer time in Florida than we thought at first.

All that to say I spent much of my free time on Thursday surfing the internet for short-term rental options. I sent a number of inquiries, not hopeful about any of them.

My evening appointment was at a coffee shop with a lady who also had a cold. You should have heard us. We sounded awful—coughing constantly. But it was a good visit anyway.

When I got home I checked my e-mail, and I had a very affirmative response from one of my inquiries. I re-checked their web site, to remember which one it was, and couldn't believe my eyes. It was one of the really upscale places. Just gorgeous. Their lowest price is at the very top limit of our budget. But I think we could swing it…

I was ecstatic. My first thought was, "Really God?? Would You do that for us?" Then I felt bad that I was so incredulous. I mean, He isn't an ogre, and even though life has its share of disappointments and tough lessons, He can surprise us lavishly at times. Mr. is one of His gifts that still takes my breath away with His utter goodness to me.

Speaking of Mr., I am afraid I let my excitement show a bit too much. I think he has reservations about the place because of the cost. (He seems quite ill at ease to not have an income in the foreseeable future. Understandable, but I've been there before. I don't know that he ever has been.) But now I know he'll go along with the idea anyhow, simply because he saw how much I wanted it.

Although nothing was definite, as I went to bed I was so pumped. I had trouble settling in to sleep. And then, as the hours ticked away, I realized with dismay that my high was not simply from finding a really good housing possibility, but also from the fact that—although I had emphatically asked for decaf—I'm pretty sure I got regular coffee at my evening meeting. I was so buzzed. I think I only slept 2 or 3 hours total. Arrrrgh!

driving

Wednesday was a very full day, and I still wasn't feeling the greatest. I had five meetings total, and was going non-stop almost all day. Fortunately, one of the meetings was with the guy from the printer's, to hand off my calendar. Unfortunately, he didn't show because he was with a relative having surgery. Fortunately he sent an underling to come get my files. (Unfortunately, the guy's thumb drive must have had a virus or something, because they weren't able to open my files once they got them back to the shop—but I didn't find that out until Friday.)

Anyway, my funny story happened while traveling to one of my meetings. It was a supper meeting. The moto driver wanted a bit more than I usually pay, saying the traffic was going to be heavy. I didn't budge, though, and was about to find someone else, so he relented and agreed to my price.

Almost immediately we hit a traffic jam. I hadn't thought about the fact that it was 5:30 and basically rush hour. Only, no one was rushing. We crawled along for a little bit, but my driver was not to be hindered. Calmly he jumped the curb and started driving on the sidewalk. Pretty common practice here. At one point we were actually in a traffic jam on the sidewalk, because so many motorbikes had taken this alternative "route". I just had to chuckle—mostly because I realized it no longer strikes me as odd to use the sidewalk as an extension of the road.

He got me to my meeting on time. I gave him the extra fee he had been asking for.

clarity

So Tuesday I woke up early. I was not well by any means, but feeling less foggy-headed. I awoke with a panicked feeling, but stayed in bed praying until I felt more calm. And then I worked with focus, and had an incredibly productive day with my calendar design.

It sometimes frightens me how absorbed I can get in a project. I don't remember much else the whole day. Mr. made me lunch, but I wasn't terribly hungry for it. I did glance up from my computer for one brief moment and caught a brilliant cloud formation outside of my window. I stopped for five minutes to go out and shoot it.

By mid-afternoon I was ready for a national to come and check the spelling in his language. He came obligingly and we started through the pages. January, February…through them all, the holiday page, and finally the cover. He puzzled over the title I had given it briefly. "Then and Now?" I explained I had called it that because on each page (sometimes twice on a page) is a photo of ancient carvings depicting the culture over 1000 years ago, and also a modern photo, showing people doing basically the same activity. (It was actually a very fascinating project to put together.)

Only then, after poring over page after page in detail, did my translator/editor notice the theme. Of course he was quite impressed with the concept, congratulating me on my cleverness. I would have been more encouraged if he had seen the brilliance of my design without having it explained to him. :-/

Oh well. Great art speaks for itself. Or maybe it doesn't. Either way, it's too late now…

resume

Well, for those faithful readers whose lives have been meaningless for the last week with no posts from me, I'm back. And, for those who are confused, no I'm NOT writing about my qualifications for a particular job. The I would have spelled it "résumé". I merely intend to convey that I will now recommence my regular posting schedule. Or try to.

I truly can't believe it's been four days since my last post. I am a bit disappointed that I fell off track so drastically. My only redeeming grace is that I have continued to take a photo a day, which—I'm reminding myself as much as anyone else—was the original purpose of this whole exercise.

Contrary to popular belief, I did NOT fall off the end of the earth. But my cold really knocked me down. And yet I couldn't allow myself to stay down because I had this huge calendar project to finish. So between dragging myself out of bed, and working against a deadline feeling like a zombie, I had about all I could handle.

There were some funny moments along the way, though. Instead of posting them all in one really long entry, I am going to write one at a time, and include one photo per post until I get caught up.

This first photo is from Monday. I was so miserably sick. But I just couldn't bear not working on the calendar. So I drug my lap top into bed with me and designed and napped on and off the whole day. The kitty was confused by this strange behavior, and she kept me company much of the day.

My first funny story is about her. She is still a young cat, and has a good bit of energy and play in her. We usually get two pretty intense play times in a day. But with my workload and my cold, I just didn't have the energy this week. She, of course, burned up her extra energy by being naughty, as a few shredded rolls of toilet paper, and one abused cardboard box will testify.

One evening I decided that—for the peace of our household—I needed to at least try to give her some play time. We have this one game, where I leave a door open maybe six inches or so. She waits on the other side, and I stick my hand through the opening so that she can pounce on it. It is most effective when I hide my whole body behind the door, so that she can't see me. That way my hand is a complete surprise.

So, I had energy, I figured, to at least play that game. Head kind of drooping I hid behind the door and she had a grand time jumping and batting at my hand. Until the one time when she missed my hand all together, and slammed into the door with her whole body weight. Which meant that the door then slammed into my head, and I had a nasty knot on my forehead the rest of the night.

It hurt, and I felt kind of stupid, but I felt so lousy anyway, it didn't seem to make much of a difference overall. It kind of seemed par for the course, with how this week went.

crud

My schedule yesterday went something like this: sleep, wake up, get ready, go to church, eat lunch, sleep, wake up, get ready, go to church, eat supper, sleep. I made it through the day with my cold, fulfilling all my duties, but by the end of the day I was feeling rather rough. This morning, as I type this update, I'm feeling pretty much like crud.

Mr. did a great job with his sermon. I was very proud of him. I listened to it in the morning service, because I was supposed to cover  Sunday school for the 4 to 8 year-olds in the afternoon. I did in fact fulfill my duty, but the teacher for the 9 to 13 year-olds never showed, so I ended up having them in my class as well, since no one wanted to go back up to the adult service. Some of the older kids were helpful, some not so much. It was barely controlled chaos much of the time. I am just grateful no one got hurt and everyone was returned safely to their parents at the end. I don't even think we ruined any clothes, although some faces and fingers were smudged with ink from our craft, which was making cards with rubber stamps and ink pads. What was I thinking??

By the end I barely had any voice left; you need to use it quite a lot to corral kids and keep their interest. We then went out to eat with a few friends.

The only other highlight of the day was as we came out of the restaurant. We saw people staring up into the night sky. Curious we joined them and realized that they were looking at the moon. They explained that a wondrous sign had been spotted, and that you could see the old king's face in the moon. Now, the elderly king father of this country just died a week ago. We looked and, aided with a sketch by a helpful moto taxi driver, we were able to see what they were looking at. Mr. and I went away a bit puzzled. Either these people have never noticed the man in the moon before, or he has miraculously been replaced by the late king, because they were very confident that the face they were seeing was his. Hmmm.

So anyway. Today I have no voice, ache from head to toe, and feel a bit nauseated. I think the cold is progressing, because I feel it moving from my head down into my chest—which how it usually works for me. But I can not just sleep the day away, as I ought to do for maximum recovery. I need to get this calendar done. I hope I can make significant progress today. At least working on the computer is not a strenuous task.

The happiest part of the day so far is that a little kitty is sitting on my feet, sleeping. Nice. :-)

sore

A sore throat hit with full force last night around bed time. A restless night ensued, up maybe every other hour. Nothing seemed to ease the pain. I drank a lot of water, because it temporarily eased the dry, scratchy feeling in my throat. But then that just meant I was up even more frequently, running to the bathroom.

Regardless I managed to be up and functional for the rest of our council meetings this morning, then on to a discipleship meting at 2, followed by a bit of Sunday school prep and then a skype meeting at 7.

Now I'm feeling pretty drug out and desperate for bed. I have just a little more to do for Sunday school tonight. I really want tomorrow to be a sabbath, with only rest and church. I do feel a bit weary to realize that I will probably go to both services. Mr. is preaching and if I don't hear him in the morning, I won't get to hear him at all, since I am covering the kiddies' Sunday school in the afternoon service. I would really, really like nothing more than to stay home quietly most of the day, but I want to hear Mr. even more so. It's important to me to support him in that way, even if he says I don't have to.

So an early bed time tonight would be optimal. So I'm calling this done and finishing my Sunday school stuff so that I can go to bed.

Oh, and cuddle with the cat, who is gratifyingly pleased to see me after my 2-day absence. :-)

synergy

First of all, pathetic photo for being in a place with lovely gardens and landscaping. But today was full of meetings and work, and we hardly got out to enjoy the scenery. I am determined to get up early tomorrow morning to get out and enjoy it a bit before things start up again.

Second of all, the meetings have been really encouraging. I know we say we believe the Holy Spirit lives in each of us and guides us all, but a few times now with this group, I have seen real proof. We broke up into small groups on and off throughout the day. Each group was supposed to discuss different topics, but somehow when we came back together our reports seemed to circle around similar themes or lessons. The recurrence of specific ideas, as well as the unity in the group, seems to be too strong to just be "coincidence."

Third of all, I had a few tinges of regret today that I would not be a part of this group much longer. Just two more months or so, I guess. They are all really neat, quality people. We're working together on something I believe is valuable and worth-while.

Oddly, I also know how to fit into this group, in spite of the fact that we come from so many different nationalities and backgrounds. They appreciate what I bring, I appreciate learning from them. It doesn't mean that we always see eye-to-eye, but we all respect each other enough to disagree gracefully.

I have never really found a way to fit into the national culture here. Sadly, Mr. and I have often also felt out-of-place with our mission organization. It seems to have been 12 years of being on the outside. And so, for me at least, finding a fit at last seems a bit bitter-sweet, with such a short time left to enjoy it.

But I still feel confident that our choice to leave here is the right one. Mixed feelings and all, I know it is the next step that we are supposed to take on our journey.  

balance

Yes, I'm struggling to find it, define it, maintain it. Balance is so tricky.

I decided to make the crock pot meal yesterday, as well as tend to a few other tasks that were waiting to be done, and didn't get to the calendar until AFTER supper. Yikes! A whole day gone.

Then today, another dilemma. Do I stop and have my half-day with God, or use those 3 to 4 hours to make progress on the calendar? Well, about mid-day it was obvious what the greatest need was. I was so exhausted in body, mind, and soul. I knew I needed that time with God. And so I stopped. And it was honestly very refreshing.

I put some time in on the calendar here and there, bits and pieces, 1/2 hour now, an hour then. And would you believe it…things are moving forward pretty well. I'm afraid, however, that my overly-optimistic self is not quite in touch with reality, and that at some point the last-minute panic is going to hit. But for now I'm enjoying the hope that I might finish this project with grace and not a mad dash at the end. Come on—it could happen.

Right now I'm at a resort about 1/2 hour out of town. For the next two days I'll be in meetings with the our church council. Not only will there be little time for calendars, I will need to put them out of my mind so that I can be very present for the meetings. But anyway, it's pretty nice here. Quiet. Lots of flowers and trees. A swimming pool.

Only things missing are Mr. and the kitty. They're keeping each other "company" at home. I'm sure I miss them more than they miss me.

And I'm tired. And I just might get over 6 hours of sleep tonight if I go to bed soon. Which would be wonderful. So, good night.

Oh. And a word about the photos. The first one is from yesterday. I thought, "How often does one actually see a cobbler these days?" And he was in the middle of cobbling shoes. So I snapped him. The second one? Well, I told you this place has lots of trees and flowers.

hour

It's crazy the difference an hour makes. I woke up this morning at 3:45, which was bad news seeing as I had just gone to bed 4 hours earlier. I laid in bed trying to go back to sleep for another hour. Then, when I realized it was a quarter til five, I felt OK about getting up. That, somehow, seemed like a reasonable hour. A quarter til 4 did not.

So, here I am, awake in the wee hours, figuring I might as well be productive. I think all the tasks swirling around in my head are part of the reason I did not fall back to sleep. Bummer. In any case, it is now six and I have already checked a few things off of my "to do" list.

I made pretty good progress yesterday on the calendar. After about six hours of staring intensely at my computer screen I was feeling a bit fried, so I grabbed my camera and headed out to do a few errands before supper. One of which was to actually find supper. I tried to get a few shots that I still need for the calendar, and stumbled across a guy grilling fish (red snapper I think?) to sell. Mr. and I have frequently talked trying this street-side vendor, and since I was there and lots of other places are closed for the holiday, it seemed like the time was right to give it a shot.

Unfortunately, it was a little disappointing. The guy's coals must have been too hot, because when we got it home we found the outside was a bit crispy burnt, but the inside was not quite cooked through. :-(

Fortunately, we had also gotten a soup to add to the meal, so we didn't go hungry.

I am struggling a bit to maintain balance while getting this calendar project done. In my younger days I used to focus wholeheartedly on the task at hand, often to the detriment of every-day, ordinary tasks. (You know, like housework, eating, bathing, sleeping…) (OK, just kidding about the bathing.) (Mostly.) But the older I get the more I like balance, order and rhythm to my life. The little things have become more important in my eyes, and I am loathe to let them slip for the sake of a big project. Even just for a short time. It makes me feel frazzled and icky.

And so, my dilemma today: Do I stop working on the calendar long enough to make time to fix a crock pot meal for supper tonight? Also, how do I work in time with God this week? I know, He is the priority; everything else should come second. But there's this deadline…  God somehow seems more flexible. ??? And yet, why do I think things have to happen according to this timeline that I have fixed in my head? I'm needing some wisdom for this one.

But for now it's gentle yoga for me, then out to shoot more photos and on to a meeting at 8. Maybe the questions will answer themselves as I move through the day.

briefly

This is going to be short, because the morning is whittling away and I promised myself this day would be wholly dedicated to my calendar project. Well, about half the day is gone already, with little progress…

Yesterday was a VERY busy day, starting around 4 in the morning, and ending at about 11 pm—filled with constant activity throughout. That used to be typical of most of my days about 15 years ago. But I just can't do it anymore. Oh, sure, I can sustain that pace for one day, but the next day I'm just wiped out.

As a result, I did not get up as early as I wanted to this morning, and when I did I was just slow about everything. Mr. threw the kitty into the bedroom this morning about 7, claiming she was driving him crazy. She sat purring on my chest as I laid in bed for a little while longer. When she moved down to curl against my legs I grabbed my Bible and read for a while. Then I forced myself to get out of bed and on to crazy killer yoga for a half an hour. Shower, e-mails, laundry, etc. took me to almost 11. Where is this day going???

So, now I turn my attention back to my calendar design. I am loving the thrill of every new page, every new combination of photos. Yes, a high almost like a drug, like I mentioned a few posts ago.

I did not get any photos yesterday with all my busyness. But I didn't miss beauty—I was creating it! What could be better?? Looking through years' worth of old photos, picking out the best, arranging them into pleasing compositions. *contented sigh* Oh, and I also got "unstuck" from that design problem I was pondering.

And so I am going to include two photos from my calendar design as today's photo for today, and get right back to the project.

fast

Reason #91—I went on a fast from the computer.

Like I said, yesterday I tried a day with no computer. I almost made it, too, except that I needed it to prepare a Sunday school lesson. But that took maybe 30 minutes of computer time tops.

I must say, it was kind of nice not to check e-mail or facebook. The day actually felt a bit more restful overall. However, I did watch some MMA fights on TV, which added a bit of excitement. I know; kind of weird to watch grown men beat each other up on the day you've designated as a sabbath, but it was something Mr. and I did together, though, so I figure it counts as "family time." ;-)

The book I've been reading on sabbath suggested giving up multitasking on your sabbath day. I think I like that idea. Yesterday I tried to prepare my Sunday school lesson WHILE watching MMA, and it was not easy. I always feel flustered and kind of grumpy when I try to do two things at once. They didn't call me "one drawer Deb" in my singles group for nothing. Yes, it won't pain me one bit to give up multitasking on my sabbath days (or on regular days, even). I just have to get organized enough to pull it off!

Although I fasted from the computer, I ate well yesterday. I slept in late and got up slowly and leisurely. Then I made us nice big omelets with green pepper, onion, tomato and cheese. Yum. We snacked around noon time on yoghurt and granola. Then for supper—aaaaah—spaghetti and meatballs. SOOO good. Spaghetti is one of my favorite comfort foods, and the meatballs were excellent. I figure the sabbath can also be a rest from being so strict about what I eat. And if I felt any twinges of guilt as I slurped down spaghetti, I just told myself that I was carbo-loading the for next morning's run.

Which I accomplished already this morning, getting up and out the door by 5:30. But I have a very busy day ahead, so I dare not rest on my laurels. Enough of this blogging. On to the next task.

break

So, I'm trying to blog at night again, at least for tonight. I'm thinking I'd like to try a “no computer day” tomorrow. The more I think about it, the less I believe it's possible. Do you know how many things I do day by day on my computer?

At least I think I'd like to say no Facebook and no e-mail checking. I have e-books and personal writing projects on my computer that I might work on. I also have to prepare for Sunday school, which might require some computer work.

I did get to work on my calendar project today, but didn't get as far as I had hoped. I hit some snags, some design conundrums that I need to figure out. But still feeling pretty positive about the progress.

I am feeling tired. It's been a rather busy week, and the weeks ahead only promise to get busier. I know I really need to keep tomorrow quiet and restful, but feel the pressure not only to move forward on the calendar, but also to surf the net for places to stay in Florida. No luck there yet. Trying not to worry.

So I'm going to wrap this up. Finish the post, and then play with the kitty a bit before bed. She has been sleeping in my clothes in my dresser for a few hours, and should have some energy to burn.

She makes me so happy. I enjoy her little presence in our house. But I think I'm deciding that once we get to the US we should leave her with a family while we wander around from place to place for over half a year. I will miss her terribly, but it is probably best for her. And maybe best for us. (I'm a little in doubt about that last statement, but am willing to consider it…)

We'll see. Sigh.

drug

Reason #55—had people over last night to look at our furniture to see if they wanted to buy any of it. Did you know you really don't stop to consider how shabby some of your stuff has become until you look at it through the eyes of a potential buyer. I just thought of it as “comfortable” before.

So, yesterday I slogged my way through various computer tasks until I could finally get to the thing I wanted to do. The other bits of work—odds and ends, really—took most of the day, unfortunately. When I finally got to my main task (yes, the task which I told myself, “You'll have the whole day to work on this…”) I had only two hours left before we were to meet our friends for supper.

BUT, even though I didn't have long to play around with it, I thoroughly enjoyed the brief time I spent working on the design for my 2013 calendar. Every year I print a calendar using photos I have taken, usually centered around a specific theme or idea.

For some reason I was really dreading doing it this year. I had almost no motivation, and what little progress I made before this was accomplished mainly through sheer will power and a sense of “ought.”

That was before I sat down to design, however. I can not explain it, but somehow playing with the layout, seeing the different elements come together, choosing a font—it's all exhilarating to me. Kind of like a drug. I was stimulated. Euphoric. When I tore myself away to go to supper I couldn't get it off of my mind. My dominating thought was, “When can I get back to it?” I have a few things to do this morning before I can start again, but I feel impatient with them—those interruptions, keeping me from what I really want.

The worst part of the whole process up to this point was trying to price the calendars. We are taking orders ahead of time, so that we know how many to print. So, we have to guess at how many we will print (the price per piece goes down the more you print) and then add in something to pay me for the time I spend designing, and then add in a bit more for some profit. I am not good at money, and not bold when it comes to valuing my work. Mr. on the other hand can be savvy and aggressive in money matters. That's why I have officially named him my business manager.

I got some push-back already because of the price we have quoted. Not because it's outrageous. It's actually reasonable, and cheaper than most. But because people in full-time ministry (which make up the majority of our clients) really kind of expect to get things for almost nothing because they’re “working for God.”

Anyway, we'll see. I am discouraged by that part. I'd love for lots of people to be able to enjoy my calendars. But in the mean time, I'll savor the process of designing. Well, maybe not “savor”, exactly. More like gobble it down in huge gulps!

surprise

Reason #134—Stayed out later than expected at an evening meeting, got home at 9, only to find out that Mr. had gotten worried about my tardiness to the extent that he had gone out looking for me. Guess I should have called him to let him know what was up. Poor guy! I felt SO bad.

Yesterday I had a few errands to run, on my way to a (different) meeting. I walked a bit until I saw two motorbike taxis sitting side-by-side. One hailed me, and I waved my hand to indicate I needed his services. He drove over to me, and I explained where I needed to go. Again, this is a place that I go to often, and I know the going rate.

I mentally added a little extra for the two stops I needed to make on the way, but was not prepared for his opening "bid", which was more than triple the amount I was planning for. I offered him a very low counter-bid, knowing that if he had started so high I would have to work very hard to get him down to a fair price. He said no, lowered his initial price by a tiny bit, and so I raised my offer just a smidge.

To my surprise, he basically said, “I won't take you for that price, but that guy will,” indicating the other moto taxi driver. He waved him over and drove away. I told the second guy where I wanted to go and quoted the last price I had offered the previous driver, and he gladly accepted.

I have no idea why the second guy would work more cheaply than the other, or what the first guy was holding out for. Just one of the many things about living in this place that bewilders me. And one of the many things I don't need to struggle to figure out, because I will not be here much longer.

Two days ago, as he was preparing lessons for his last week of teaching at a Bible school in town, Mr. looked at me and said, “This is conceivably the last thing I'll ever translate into this language.” It felt surprising, but as I thought about it I saw that he was probably right. “How does that make you feel?” I asked. “Weird,” he said. Then a pause. Then, with a nod of the head and a slow smile, he added, “Good.”

It's so hard to know what lies ahead. May we have wisdom as we set out on this “road less traveled.”

results

Reason #88—The doctor said I need to relax more so that I sleep better.

What did I not expect about wearing a holter monitor for 24 hours? How itchy it would be! The pads to attach the wires to my chest were plastic with a strong sticky back, and then they taped the wires down in other places it keep things from sliding around too much. Talk about an itch you can not scratch. When they took everything off yesterday, I just sat and scratched and rubbed my chest for a few minutes. The nurses thought it was pretty funny.

(Even today, about 24 hours later, I have a few red spots that are quite itchy. Might have been slightly allergic to something in the adhesive.)

They took the machine to a technician to print out and interpret the results. I told the nurses I had exercised in the morning before I got there, but it must not have been relayed to this guy. He came bustling out of his room, wide-eyed, asking me if I had felt palpitations, saying I needed to go on medication right away. He said my heart rate had gone up to about 180 beats per minute. I told him that I had gone jogging that morning and he stopped in mid-sentence, rolled his eyes, and went back into his little room shaking his head.

I was sorry for him, but I had made the conscious decision to run while I had the monitor on, because I was curious to see how my heart did during strenuous exercise. I'm glad I did it. I actually think 180 is a bit too high. If I remember right, "they" say you should try to reach and maintain about 150 beats per minute when working out. I will have to do a little research.

So, the main doctor looked over the results and met with us to give us his opinion. He said he didn't see any palpitations or irregularity with the heart. However, he said my sleeping heart rate did not drop much at all from my awake heart rate. That was a little unusual. He doesn't think I'm falling into a deep enough sleep. His recommendation? Don't have such a stressful life, and relax more. :-) If he can tell me how to achieve this, I'll gladly follow his advice!

monitor

Reason #4—2 glasses of wine, and #51—fell asleep watching TV. (Yep, posting in the morning again.)

So, I pushed myself hard jogging yesterday. My heart felt pretty good, my legs didn't give out. The thing that got me was the heat. Even though I got out before sunrise, and the sky was overcast to boot, it just felt stifling. I got that prickly feeling in the back of my head. It took me a while to figure out why I felt so hot, but then I realized that there was absolutely NO breeze. I was confirmed in this conclusion when I passed a guy smoking on a park bench. Instead of drifting off, the smoke just hovered all around him. He was engulfed in a cloud of smoke. That's some very still air.

Home and showered, then to the doctor to show her the results of the echo cardiogram. She still recommended 24 hours with a holter monitor, just to be sure. I think I like her. She's quite thorough. Better to be safe than sorry. Besides that, these tests are significantly cheaper here than they would be in the US, and we might as well do them while we still have insurance.

The clinic didn't have a holter monitor, though, so I had to go back to the national-run hospital where I got the echo done. Only this time I discovered that they have a whole separate cardiology building. The cardio specialist wasn't too thrilled that I had gotten the echo done at the "regular" hospital. You had to be sharp to catch it, because all he said (in a very Asian way) was, "I guess I'll trust they knew what they were doing.," as he looked at the results. :-)

So, spent the rest of the day taped up with wires and pads and stuff. The whole contraption is portable, so I was able to go home with it. It wasn't bad, because I didn't have to go out much, and had a lot of computer work to do, so I was pretty quiet and still the whole day. Of course, my heart felt just fine all day. Whatever.

Mr. made a great supper and we had a quiet evening. Did you know that goat cheese and white wine taste AWESOME together? Once again, I'm blown away by his culinary sophistication.

I'm not feeling as down as I have been. I'm still swamped with work and the future is still unclear. But I don't feel as worried right now. I have better perspective, trusting that God knows what He's doing, and feeling encouraged to just keep moving forward as well as I can. I suppose this will sort of come and go; sometimes we hold onto faith and truth better than other times. I'm just glad to have an upward swing in attitude. It's a bit of a relief.

normal

We finally found time today to get my echo cardiogram done. (If you're counting, that's another first before forty.) All of the results came back “normal”. I came home and cried.

Poor Mr. He was bewildered. “I thought normal was good.” Yes. I guess it is. But much of the time I do not feel quite right, and I was just hoping to get things figured out and dealt with, so that I could start feeling better. Do you know how frustrating it is to come out “normal” when you don't feel normal?

I have a follow-up visit with the original doctor tomorrow, and we'll talk things through. I suppose I should just get back to life as usual, and stop worrying so much. No more babying myself. Definitely going out jogging tomorrow.

In the mean time I feel like I' drowning under work and unmet responsibilites and ambiguity about the future.

[OK. This was written yesterday, but I did not have time to post it before bed. Reason #79: had friends over who stayed a bit late, added to reason #22, which is, caught an actual American football game on TV and had to stay up even later to watch it with Mr.]