bothersome

It wasn't a bad day, really. Just fine, all in all. But I'm ending it a little grumpy.

First of all, it's almost midnight. I have a VERY full day tomorrow and it starts quite early. I just want to be in bed. Bother.

How did it get this late? Well, we're doing a presentation tomorrow, the Mr. and I, and we have been trying to finish up our presentations. In addition, we were a bit snappy at each other, which made the whole process a little slower and much less pleasant. Bother.

Not that I saved this stuff til the last minute. I worked much of the day on it. I selected clips and edited video, which is just a slow process. I also prepared hand-outs, looked over the notes, etc. Still, here it is, late.

And to make it worse, I'm getting bitten by ants. BIG bother. They are rampant here, even in a clean home and kitchen. We can't leave anything on the counter or table for more than 10 minutes or so, or else they will swarm all over it. I had to put the kitty's food in a small dish, set it on top of a larger dish, and then pour water in the larger dish to make a kind of moat all around the food so that the ants wouldn't get into them.

So, anyway, some of these ants bite, and I react strongly to their bites, getting big welts and quite itchy. Ugh. Bother.

But the most bothersome things that happened today was the fact that I lost someone's salary. Or might have. You see, my friend is out of town—the one who runs the restaurant I painted. She asked me to give the staff their salaries at the end of the month (today) and gave me envelopes with each of their pay. I put the envelopes in a safely locked drawer until today, when I walked down to the restaurant. 

Everything went smoothly at first. Everyone took their pay and signed to prove they had received it. As the pile dwindled, however, I realized I had four envelopes and five spots for signatures left. Oh dear. I had to ask that employee to wait for his money until we get things figured out. I also shot off an e-mail very quickly, asking my friend what to do. Who can say, "SUPER bother."? 

transportation

The day started early with a 6:45 breakfast meeting. Our transportation woes started around 6:30.

First off, it was raining, which it is not supposed to do since it's dry season. There are two problems with that: we did not have any rain gear (we had tossed it all at the end of rainy season a few months ago) and we had to ride our motorbike. (That's the only vehicle we own.) It wasn't too bad, since the rain was gentle at that point, and I sit behind Mr., which means he catches most of the moisture. I did, however, manage to feel chilled, which is a feat when you live just 11° off of the equator.

After our meeting, our friends wanted to go check out a meeting room. So I jumped into a tuk-tuk with them, while Mr. led the way on the moto. (A tuk-tuk is basically a wagon with a roof that seats 4 comfortably, hooked onto a motorbike, which pulls it.) On our way, the tuk-tuk driver got a call. I heard him tell the person that he was taking guests to street 294 and then he'd come pick them up. We had arranged with him for round trip service, so as he dropped us off he promised to come back in half an hour. We felt sure he would return, since we hadn't yet paid him for his services. So we looked at the potential meeting sight. Then we waited. And waited. After an hour and a half we no longer felt guilty about stiffing the guy and finding alternative transportation.

My friends decided to walk to a few shops nearby, and I caught a motorbike taxi home. I explained where I lived, and although I thought he seemed a little unsure, he assured me he knew where it was. We haggled a price, and agreed on 75 cents. It's a fair price. I travel to and from my house frequently and am pretty familiar with the going rates.

So, as we drove we chatted a bit, always a challenge with helmets on, the wind whipping past our ears, in noisy traffic. But we managed to communicate. I learned he was from the countryside, and had recently moved to the city. He learned I had lived in the country 11 years, and work with the church. He was pleased, because he is a Christian, too, and named a church I know as the one he attends. It was a nice conversation, and I thought I'd give him an even dollar, since we were both country folk and family in Christ.

HOWEVER. When we pulled up to our destination, he turned to me and asked for $1.25. I was surprised and reminded him we had agreed on 75 cents. He whined that it was farther than he expected, and he had misunderstood where I wanted to go (even though he had driven right to it, without me having to give directions). I reminded him that I had asked again and again if he knew the place I was describing, and he had told me he did. Then he said he didn't have change for my dollar, so could I just let him have the dollar. By that time all my charitable feelings had disappeared. I told him to just wait, and I'd go find change. And indeed I did, and sent him on his way 25 cents poorer than he would have been had he not tried all that malarky. Frustrating!!!

I drowned my stress in a decaf mocha coffee, although I am beginning to worry that when I say "decaffeinated" they think it means low-fat. Seriously. I heard the guy say repeatedly to his co-workers, "Be sure to put skim milk in it!" Hmmm. But anyway, I can drink it with no jitters, heart palpitations, or anxiety. So either that means they are indeed doing it decaf, or the coffee that my Mr. makes at home is super-caffeinated. Either way, I am glad I can indulge in that treat without ill effects.

Back home I worked mainly on editing video and preparing a presentation that Mr. and I will do on Wednesday. And wrote a newsletter update. Both are slow jobs, and I feel like I didn't progress as I had wanted to, although Mr. says I got a lot done. I guess he's probably right. 

Unfortunately, the two things I want to make part of my regular routine—exercise and devotions—got completely skipped today. Maybe I'll wrap this up quickly and at least get devotions in before bed.

presence

I read a short devotional today, kind of written from God's perspective. He was saying (through the author) that He wants me to remember His presence, every minute of every day. By staying in constant dialogue with Him, I can begin to see circumstance and people through His eyes.

I have often wished I could keep a more godly perspective. Rise above situations and not get sucked down into them. I so easily lose sight of God. Lose any sense of His presence, much less keep an ongoing conversation flowing with Him.

And then something strange struck me. Ever since I started this blog, I have begun thinking of it throughout the day. More and more, as time goes by, actually. I see something, experience something. Think, "Oh, that will make for an interesting entry." I think through the words I'll use. The sights, smells, sounds I want to capture. The feelings I want to express.

Why, then, if this blog is becoming a part of my ongoing consciousness, can't I carry God around with me the same way. Think of Him as I move through the day. Notice things and tell Him about them. Ask about things that puzzle me. 

I'm afraid it's because the anonymous faceless people out there who read my blog are somehow more real to me than He is. I don't like to admit that. This must change.

How and how?

deleting

Full day. People day. Good day.

My day was very busy, consisting of two coaching sessions, a stamping party, and a good-bye. I was pretty weary by the time supper rolled around, but content.

I had a great time watching all the ladies enjoy creating with my paper and ink and craft supplies. They started out tentative. Downplaying their skills. And sure, we had a few false starts, but everyone wound up with really fun, cute cards.

Later my Mr. and I said good-bye to some friends who are leaving the country, going back to the US. They were only here for 9 months, but they're people I wish I had had the chance to get to know better. The wife has the sister of my kitty.

Later in the day I was scrolling through my phone contacts, trying to send a message. I came across her name and thought, "Well, that's one I won't be needing anymore." I was hesitant to delete it, though. It didn't feel right. As I kept going down the list, I noticed how many numbers were no longer good. I have only had the phone for a year and a half, and so many friends have come and gone in that time. It's really hard to have people rotate through your life like that.

I am grateful for my Mr. He's the only one who has been with me consistently for the past 12 years. (Well, 12 years next month!) Did I mention that he sat and watched "So You Think You Can Dance" and "America's Next Top Model" with me? I LOVE that. And he's sweet (in a rough guy kind of way) to my cat. He's the best.

He makes a kickin' gin and tonic, to boot. I'm one lucky girl.

However, I am becoming determined that the next transition we make I want to take the kitty. I want to keep her in my life, too. I'm becoming far too attached and I don't want another good-bye. The woman who left today has two cats, and they're taking them on the plane all the way to the US. It's like, a 36 hour trip, at the least! I am slightly puzzled by all the details of the process, but I know it's possible!

I'm wondering if it's selfish on my part. Am I just clinging to her for my own ends, and not really thinking of what's best for her?

But anyway. That's about a year away. It's foolish to worry about it right now.

fizzle

So, I was so totally going to get a gourmet coffee today. I planned my route so that I would swing by the coffee shop last thing on my way home. I walked to two different markets and got everything I needed. Tasks accomplished, I turned my steps toward the coffee shop. But as I drew nearer, I realized I was so hot that coffee didn't sound good anymore. Sure, I know they had iced drinks. I chose to ignore that fact, figuring I didn't need the calories anyway.

The day started off so well. So productive. Up early, to breakfast with the Mr. Answered some e-mails and went on my grocery "run" (walk) that didn't end with coffee. Then I did Zumba for about half an hour. I have a full hour workout video, but only made it half way through. I guess that's what you get for taking a whole month off. Blah. Then I showered. That was all before 10 am.

Then I sat down for some devotions. And promptly fell asleep. Again. And again. Guess I should have had that coffee after all. I kept jerking myself awake, but after I'd read a few verses, I would drift off again. I finally gave up at 11:30, but I felt defeated and disappointed. So, what did I do? Played a video game. That helped. (yeah, right.) Made lunch, watched some TV.

By about 1 I decided I had wasted enough time and got to work on some graphic design layout. But I kept the TV on. I know I work so much more slowly when I watch TV. So, I got stuff done, but not as much as I could have.

I feel somewhat disappointed by the day, even though I also made supper and took it over to share with friends. It wasn't a waste, but I had higher expectations. Sometimes my expectations get me in trouble.

Besides that, the cat slept all day. Curled up on our bed. She was so cute, I just didn't have the heart to disturb her. Hope we don't pay for it tonight.

giving

Today was a really excellent day. Almost all of my activity today was done for the benefit of others. Mostly for my Mr., which gave me a little glow all day.

I decided today was the day I was going to get all those projects done that he had been wishing I'd do. Some were small: get something printed at the copy shop, make his favorite soup for supper, buy something he was out of. 

One task was quite large and took most of the day. We think there's a slow leak in one of the apartments above us, and unfortunately the paint has slowly been flaking and falling off of the ceiling of the bathroom that Mr. always uses. It was not nice to look at, and not nice to have paint flecks falling on you.

I scraped off the old paint, a dusty, dirty job for sure. One tip for anyone needing to do this in the near future: don't place your ladder directly under the area you need to scrape. It might make sense as you are standing on the floor, positioning the ladder, but once you get up there and start scraping right above your head, the flaws become clear. Chips in your eyes, in your hair, down your shirt and… other places.

Two coats of paint later, and it looks pretty good. He never expected that I would tackle this, and so he's tickled. I am less than satisfied because you can see the line where the old paint stops (only half of the ceiling was chipping away) and the new paint begins. Also, a dark brown water stain immediately soaked through in one spot.

But he's happy and that was the point. I guess I'm not going to fuss with it anymore.

Besides, it was sweaty work. I had to shut myself in that little bathroom because the kitty was curious about the whole process, and wanted to "help". At one point she decided she needed to be closer to the action, so she climbed the leg of my jeans like a tree trunk, clawed her way up my back (I felt this more, my T-shirt not being as thick as the jeans) and perched on my shoulder. I could do nothing to stop her, as I was balancing precariously on a tall stool, paint can in one hand, brush in the other. It was soon after that that I banished her from the room all together. She was mad, but I was sorry too, since closing the door cut off all the air flow.

But again, well worth it, to see the pleased look of surprise on my Mr.'s face. :-) He's SO worth it.

I also made a purchase at the market that I'm thrilled about. They have Angry Birds (the video game) T-shirts here. I don't know if they are available in the States, but they're absolutely everywhere here. The only catch is that they're mostly in kids' sizes. So, I finally found some in adult sizes today, and I bought a few. I can think of some family back home who will get a real kick out of them. I can't wait!

Also, I came away from the transaction feeling quite good about my haggling skills. The lady started at $5 each, and I ended up getting them for $3.50 each. Yes! Not too much to pay for a good laugh all around.

Good day. Going to bed is somehow nicer when it has been a good day. Kind of like a reward at the end of some successful venture.

meekness

I did OK today. Other than the fact that I totally forgot a skype appointment I had made, the rest of the day was pretty good. Oh yeah. And the fact that I tried to have devotions this morning, which really amounted to dozing for an hour in my chair. Disappointing.

So, I got myself going, cleaned the house a bit, showered and got myself out to do errands. That is, after I waited for the water truck to come and bring our drinking water, which comes in big jugs. We ran out two days ago but the company was closed for Chinese New Year. They came after 10:00.

Anyway, my first errand was to walk over to a pharmacy to see if they had a certain medicine. I was checking for a friend. Here you can self-medicate. Just tell them what you want, and they'll get it for you. So, when I got to the shop I knew it was going to be trouble. The counter was swarmed with customers. Here they also don't really have the concept of a line. You just push and elbow until you get to the front. It makes me really tense and frustrated.

But I had walked there and didn't want to come back later, so I joined the fray. I would leave comfortable "personal space" between myself and the people in front of me, and others would push into the gap. So, bracing myself, I stood elbow-to-elbow, chest to back until I was almost to the counter. Then someone actually reached OVER me to get their order in.

I did not flip out. I did not really even get angry. I simply said, in a quiet voice, "Please wait a moment." The guy, surprised I was addressing him in his national language, said, "I just want to show them what I need." I answered, "Yes, I want to show them what I need, too, but I haven't had the chance. There are too many people." He had a good chuckle with all his friends that I spoke so clearly. I just turned forward again and concentrated on getting to the front. I don't actually even know if he got his order before me or not.

But my adventures were not over. The people behind the counter wouldn't speak to me, because they didn't speak English, and their only English speaker was busy with someone else. When he was finally free, he seemed ticked that I spoke in the national language. Then he was doubly annoyed that I didn't want to buy anything, but just wanted information. I got my most basic questions answered, but didn't push for more, even though I wanted additional information. I just got the heck out of there.

I successfully resisted the temptation to go into the gourmet coffee shop right next door and drown my frustrations in something sweet, hot and decaffeinated. I finished my errands and headed home, riding a cyclo—something with a chair and two wheels in front and a bicycle seat and pedals in the back, where the driver sits. It is a great way to travel.

Mostly we have motorbike taxis. And speaking of, at one point I was walking down a sidewalk with nice big trees. I saw a man a few trees in front of me, standing really close to the trunk. Pretty quickly I realized that he was relieving himself and just as quickly I realized that I was going to have to walk right past him. Keeping my eyes on everything else, I neared him. He finished and zipped up as I drew even with him. I worked to avoid his eyes, but he was grinning. Finally I looked at him. He then asked if I wanted to ride his motorbike taxi. What? Gross. No!

I painted most of the afternoon. I'm actually mostly finished with that project and am wondering what I'm going to do next.

I feel better about life in general than I did yesterday, but am still perturbed by my inability to really connect in my Bible study. I used to feel such a sense of closeness. Where did it go and how do I recapture it? Falling asleep really doesn't help. Why am I so weary? I'm aiming for an early bed time again tonight.

nocturnal

So, I know cats are nocturnal creatures. Still, I thought I'd try letting her into our bedroom last night. And she actually did pretty well. She remained curled up next to or on top of me for much of the night. Only, every time she woke up to change positions, it would be accompanied by a lot of meowing. Then, when she was happily sleeping again, I hesitated to shift positions, not wanting to wake her. But then I was cold, or uncomfortable, or had to go to the bathroom. So, I did not sleep very soundly last night.

And it colored my whole day today. I pushed myself through the things I needed to do, but I felt like I was pushing through a fog most of the time. I know I was moving more slowly than normal. And I didn't feel as upbeat in general. I think it was all due to being so tired.

I didn't even feel like looking for photos today, which is why you are stuck with a mediocre shot, at best.

I know someone who is going back to the US tomorrow and so I prepared mail to send back with her. I am just now getting around to sending Christmas cards to my Mr.'s  relatives in Hungary and Romania. (Yes, Christmas cards.) (Yes, Hungary and Romania.)

I have only met them once, but they were so warm and generous to us. Writing to them made me think of them, which made me kind of miss them. Then I started missing family in general. It's sometimes hard to live so far away from home. With family there's a safety, a belonging. I am longing for that security tonight.

I argued just a little bit with the Mr. first thing this morning, wanting his reassurance when he wasn't giving it. And I have spent portions of the day chasing the little cat, trying to get her to cuddle with me. To no avail. The way to get a cat to cuddle you is by convincing her you don't want her around. Then she'll be all over you.

Anyway, I guess I am feeling a little lonely and isolated. I'm sure it's heightened by my general weariness. But what did I do to fill the void? Meaningless things like video games. What did I NOT do? Look to God to fill the holes. Stupid.

But for me tomorrow is always a new day, a fresh start. I am sure I'll do better tomorrow. I just need to get some sleep tonight… starting now!

seeing

I really SAW today. I walked a short distance to the market and back home, and saw beauty everywhere I looked! I found so many things to photograph. The light was just perfect, and my eye was seeing the shot before I even looked through the lens of the camera. I have so many great photos, it was hard to choose just one. I'm thinking of posting them all on facebook as an album, but that will take some time. And it's late, so probably not tonight.

Anyway, the one I chose is my favorite. I love that it tells a story. I love that each man's face has a different expression. It is so intimate and spontaneous. I hope you like it as much as I do.

My heart is lighter today. The kitty is doing better. Her fever is down, and she's eating well today. She has been a little more playful, and "talking" to us, which is more like her old self. I had to stop blogging just now to rescue some flowers, which she was beginning to destroy. Yep. Things are back to normal.

I also had a long time of devotions today. I don't even know how long. I wouldn't let myself look at a clock, trying to just stay still until I felt finished. It was good. I need to do that more often.

I still got most of the things done today that I was hoping to. I mostly worked on editing promotional photos I took for the restaurant. The owner is going to the US tomorrow, and wants to take a CD of photos to her board. I need to prepare some mail to send back with her; guess that will have to happen tomorrow morning.

Besides that I washed dishes, played with the cat, and made lunch. I had the last two birthday cupcakes for dessert and gave myself a sugar buzz. Stupid. I finally have decaf coffee at my fingertips, and I go and OD on sugar. The effects felt quite similar. Pounding heart, jittery, anxious. Don't want to do that again!

Mr. and I had supper with some old friends, and then stopped by and visited newer friends. It was a nice evening.

Oh, and one really funny thing happened. Since it's Chinese New Year, a gate downstairs is locked, which is usually open. I have a key, so it's no problem, and I let myself out to go to the market. It's an old lock, sort of rusted and difficult. They keep oiling it, but it doesn't really seem to help. Anyway, I had that great walk to and from the market, and visited with some of the employees there who we kind of know. I arrived back home the same time as the landlord's wife. Yes, the one I laid into a few days ago.

She was struggling with the lock on the gate, and I was happy to let her do it. As I waited I noticed that I had rusty oil on my hands from my own earlier dealings with that lock. She finally got it and we both walked in. After exchanging pleasantries about new year's plans (she has some, I do not) she asked me what was on my face. I looked at her blankly. She indicated that I had something smeared on my upper lip and down my chin. I was mystified. She actually tried to wipe it off for me, which was unexpected and much more familiar than I expected from her. 

She laughed and said I'd have to work on it when I got upstairs to my house. I thanked her and headed up. As I climbed I realized that I had probably smeared the grease that was on my hands (from the lock) onto my face. I had walked about 8 blocks with a smudgy face. Oh well. Ignorance is bliss, and I enjoyed my outing. I suppose most everyone else felt uncomfortable for me, but I was oblivious. 

Besides, if having grease smeared on my face is what I need to take such good photos, I accept!

anxious

Well, the kitty is not herself. She's very quiet, and I think she's a bit feverish. Positive note: she ate a little today. The Mr. says to give her time; she just had her surgery 2 days ago. But I'm still anxious. I feel so bad that she feels so bad. I realize I'm probably obsessing, but I want everything to be OK. We'll see how things look tomorrow. It's just hard to wait.

I'm a little conflicted about the photo for today's entry. It is of a Chinese "lion" dancing in front of the Chinese temple that's by our place. It is all part of Chinese New Year, which starts tomorrow.

They come to the temple to get blessed, and then they go around to Chinese businesses and homes and dance to give them good fortune in the new year. As entertaining and curious as it is to watch, it is also very serious. There is a definite spiritual side to all of this, and it is not good.

Many, many offerings are being made and will continue to be made in the next few days. They are burning paper offerings (in the form of money, gold, clothing, cars, houses, etc.) for dead ancestors to have in the afterlife. They are putting out all kinds of food and drinks for the spirits. The smell of incense is thick.

All of this worship is aimed at false gods, or demonic spirits, whether the people realize it or not. It is strengthening the side of evil. It is satanic.

Sometimes we get so caught up in the experience. We want to embrace and appreciate beauty in every culture and religious expression. In truth, there is beauty there. But we forget the darker side of these rituals. 

I know I do not need to be afraid of any of the spirits these people are worshiping. However, I also know I need to be more diligent about bathing my mind in truth and light. I need to be more deliberate about walking hand-in-hand with Jesus this week. I need to reaffirm His lordship in my life as others deny and reject it. I need to live in dependence and submission to Him.

In truth, I need this all the time, not just during a pagan holiday or festival. It is so easy to let other things distract. I'm glad for the reminder to bring me back into focus on Him.

birthday

Well, I had purposed to try to get my blogging done earlier in the day, so that I won't be so tired when I write. Just before bedtime is not the best hour to be profound. And yet, here it is almost midnight and I'm just getting to it.

So, I guess today is exceptional because it is my birthday. We had friends over, and they only left an hour and a half ago. I have a good excuse.

But I'm still feeling too tired to be profound. I was reflecting deeply on something at one point today, and thought, "I should blog that." But of course, I now can't remember what it was. It was that deep. And profound. You'll just have to take my word for it. Maybe I should start writing things down when they come to mind so I don't forget them.

Anyway, it was a really good birthday. My Mr. got me a big bunch of flowers, which are providing the photo for today's blog. I enjoyed another cup of decaf coffee--mocha mint this time. I read, cuddled with the kitty, and napped. Then friends came over, bringing spaghetti with  homemade sauce and meatballs. YUM!!! We topped it off with gourmet cupcakes (lots of different flavors, so it was fun to try them out) and some card games. Mr. washed the dishes, so there was no clean-up for me to do. Really nice day.

The kitty is beginning to seem more like herself. She was really unhappy with the bandage the vet put on her tummy yesterday, and worked all night to get it off. He said it was OK if that happened, and she seemed much more at ease once she was free of it. She is walking around and interacting more today. My only concern is that she hasn't really started eating yet. Mr. says she probably feels lousy, since having some of her insides removed, and to give her more time. I understand his point. I will just be happier when she begins to eat again. It's been around 48 hours since she had anything. She is drinking, though, which is good.

OK. It's sooooo late and I want to go to bed. Maybe I'll remember my deep thought tomorrow. Hey, it could happen.

missing

Well, I have concluded that I'm just extraordinarily tired. (This is a continuation of yesterday's thoughts about falling asleep during devotions.) I reached this conclusion because today I was playing a very fast-paced video game, and I still caught myself nodding off. On one hand, there's hope that when I'm rested I'll be able to dive more deeply into my Bible studies, like I want to. On the other hand, why in the world am I so weary??

So today we took the little cat in to the vet to get her spayed. He called to say everything went well, so that's good. But he is keeping her there all day, and we'll get her this evening. I came home after working at the restaurant and she wasn't here to greet me. The house feels really empty without her. Her various toys are lying all around, a reminder of what's missing. It's amazing how much she has grown to be a part of my life after only 3 months. I can't wait to get the little furry thing back home tonight!

Also, for a few days now there has been no dog excrement outside of our door. Just one day after my big "rant" to the landlord, the problem mysteriously stopped. I hate to see my bad behavior rewarded. It was either that, or the mixture of vinegar and lime juice we've been spraying on our threshold. The internet says that those liquids act as a dog repellent. We were spraying it for a few days before my outburst, with no success, but we were also still tweaking the mixture. I think it's more likely that my little tantrum had something to do with the change. Dang. I do NOT need that type of positive reinforcement.

I stopped by an Australian coffee shop today. They are newly opened, and the first western franchise coffee shop in the country. Now, I never was a big gourmet coffee drinker in the States, although I enjoyed the occasional Starbucks. But I'll tell you. Today—walking out of that shop with the familiar cardboard cup in my hand, the big sippy lid offering the promise of that steamy frothy brew—I was so excited! It just felt so comforting, like a piece of home. What utter contentment. And it was DECAF (which is also hard to come by here) so I could enjoy that sweetness without jitters later on. NICE.

Sometimes, it's the little things. *sigh*

sleep

I tried to have devotions twice today, and fell asleep both times. What's the deal with that? I have the feeling I'm not the only person who struggles with this problem. 

It's troubling, though. Does it mean I'm overstimulated? Am I incapable of sitting quietly and pondering deeply, without something to keep me engaged? Am I simply so weary from a life of constant motion that I fall asleep the moment I bring my mind, body and emotions to a place of peace and focus? How am I going to really dig in and pursue Jesus if I can't stay awake to do so?

I stopped to visit an old lady today. She's 77, and lives with her daughter at a flower shop near my house. I got to know her a few years at the park, where we both "exercised" (at different levels of intensity, of course).

When we returned a few months ago, I still saw her sitting outside, and she remembered my face the first few times. Lately, though, I haven't seen her. When I asked, the told me she was sick. I stopped today again, after many more weeks, to see how she was doing. She still couldn't be out, but they invited me up to her bedroom to see her.

What a difference. Not only did she not remember me at all, they whispered to me that she doesn't often remember her own kids. The beginning of her troubles was that she had fallen and broken some bones in her legs. Now she can't walk around. And, while she had been mentally lively and talkative before, she barely mumbled today, very hard to understand.

I feel that she's nearing death, although she could surprise me. But it's clear that she's slipping mentally. I walked home thinking I'd like her to go to heaven. We never had any spiritual talks, she was strong in her traditions, and now I feel like it's too late. I don't think she's comprehending much at all. What should I do? Should I have done something earlier? 

I am just not good at this.

Cat goes to the vet tomorrow to be spayed. She can't eat at all night tonight, and I think we're in trouble. She has already gone to the spot where her food usually is, looking to eat, and the night is young. Hope all goes well.

better

Doing better tonight in a number of ways. First of all, my cold is almost gone.

Lost sleep about the fit I threw last night. It put me in a really bad place and I had trouble getting out of bed. Wanting to feel better about myself, I tried to be very productive. I had a skype coaching meeting, sent some e-mails, boiled chicken stock, straightened, got laundry around, made the bed, showered. 

But when I tried to sit quietly for a few minutes, I could barely do it. I was distracted by the buzz of the fan, so I turned it off. Then I was distracted because I was too hot. Then I was distracted, thinking about how I would blog about it.

Uncomfortable with my thoughts, I tried reading the Bible a while. Difficult to focus, but good in a hard-to-swallow way. Decided I needed to apologize to the land lady for my outburst. Got ready to go to the restaurant and looked her up on my way out.

She was quick to forgive, possibly embarrassed by my frankness. I think she just wanted the apology to be over, but I felt better anyway. It was the right thing to do. Practically skipped to the restaurant, smiling at everybody. :-) What a goofball.

Lunch, painting, business card designing, more painting. Home past the market, made soup for supper. Talked to the Mr. and watched TV.

Of course, there was dog pee in front of our door when I got home. 

Now I'm blogging, the cat sleeping beside me. Mr. likes to try to keep her awake, because at night she gets very rambunctious. She yowls, claws at and sometimes even bangs against our bedroom door at wee hours of the morning. But she's so cute when she's sleeping. When she's awake, she's usually getting into trouble.

Just two days left until her operation. Poor thing.

poop!

Literally. But that comes at the end of my story.

It should have been a good day. Painted in the morning, met a friend for lunch and just listened for a long while. Things I'm good at. Home, prepared mail to send with someone returning to the US. Mr. and I met him for supper and we had a pretty good time.

But here's where things get messy. We returned home, and in the landing in front of our door were not one, not two, but three puddles of dog pee and a big pile of poop. This was bad enough, but compound it with the fact that we have had pee and poop in front of our door every day for over two weeks, and it was downright exasperating.

There are about 5 dogs in our apartment building and for the most part, they run free. Two of them are the landlord's. We have mentioned the problem a few times, with no real response.

So, tonight I went out armed with paper towels and cleaning spray to clean things up. NOT happy. Then the landlord's younger sister came up the stairs and asked me what I was doing. Before I knew it I was unloading on her. 

Feeling worse rather than better, I went downstairs to throw all the urine-soaked towels away, and I ran into the landlord herself. So I repeated my grievances to her. She was really rather nonchalant and said she had already approached the other dog owners in the building, but they wouldn't do anything about it.

Frustrated at her lackadaisical attitude, I informed her that if things didn't change maybe we would look for a new place to live, since this building was so unsanitary. She was embarrassed, I suppose, and probably ticked at me, and replied that that was up to us and she couldn't do anything about it if we wanted to look for another house.

So now I'm just mad. She's a jerk, everyone else in our building are jerks, but worst of all I'm a jerk. I am supposed to be bigger than that. Here they are, showing complete disregard for anyone else, and yet I'm the bad guy. And it's true. Because I am supposed to represent Jesus. And I really blew it tonight.

So, I end the day fuming and disappointed.

The cat won't even cuddle with me tonight. I don't blame her.

paint brush

It is insane how completely happy I am with a paint brush in my hand. It almost doesn't need to have paint on it. I have this particular 2 inch brush. Wooden handle. Diagonal edge for cutting in. I have had it longer than I have been married. Fourteen or fifteen years now. The bristles are soft and supple. The wood fits so comfortably in my hand. It is an old friend.

So, today I was actually painting with it. And I was so content. I was humming and didn't even realize it. Do you know I can paint a beautifully straight line with that brush? Just a bit of eye/hand coordination and bristles that let paint flow as smoothly as silk.

As you can tell, I am feeling better. I still started out a little slowly, but I am beginning to feel more like myself again. I did some quiet computer work in the morning, designing a map for the back of a business card. Two languages. Lots of words, very little space. Nice challenge. Painted at the restaurant in the afternoon.

Also helped the Mr. with a few preparations for his upcoming seminar. He, too, wonderfully creative. He came home today with a bag full of colored paper, glitter glue, scissors with crafty edges. I am reminded why I love this man. His seminar starts tomorrow and will last for two weeks, so I'll be seeing little of him during the day. Obviously I will need to fill my time with more painting.

And the cat has been into things all night. Going where she shouldn't, chewing things she oughtn't, being an all-around nuisance. I feel like all I've done tonight is chase her and reprimand her. I think it's because she feels bored and ignored. The Mr. and I were both busy today. So, I'm going to wrap up and try to spend a little quality kitty time.

weakness

This is getting old. This cycle of feeling a bit better, exerting myself, then feeling worse again. I slept most of the morning, drifting in and out as I read my Bible. 

I hate having to come face to face with the fact that I am weak and fallible. I am not kicking this cold quickly. I am not invincible. I am not in control.

I read in a commentary today that the Hebrew word for "worship" literally means to prostrate oneself or, and the author put it, "getting low before God". I am not good at that. I am not good at bending the knee, bending the will. Feeling small.

Some people reject God for that very reason; they don't want to face a being who is too big for them to grasp, who dwarfs us in His infinity. And yet by doing so, they make their lives small. Life is reduced to here and now; death is the end.

Conversely, by embracing the existence of an eternal, too-big God—by acknowledging our smallness—our lives become huge. Full of meaning, full of purpose, full of love, full of hope. We belong to something bigger than just one lifetime. We take our place (tiny as it is, it is a unique place that only we can fill) in eternity.

I am tired, tired, tired. I want to be young and fit again. I want to believe I'm in control. I want to feel strong enough, smart enough, self-sufficient enough to handle whatever comes my way.

But those days are gone. And it's probably for the best. I hate feeling weak, feeling small—but it's the only way to make me get low before God. The only way for me to remember who's really in charge here. 

Unfortunately, I seem to need a lot of reminders.

reentry

So today I rejoined the living. After about a week of being down with this cold, I felt well enough today to pull off a pretty full day.

Started with breakfast, then haircuts for the Mr. and me. I also got a pedicure, which the Mr. respectfully declined. My hands look kind of pretty and graceful naturally, but my feet are just clunky, and can use all the help they can get.

Home, laundry. Met a girl for lunch; just a casual mentoring kind of visit. Back home for about an hour. Met another girl for some coaching. She seemed to really make some good discoveries, and I felt that my questions helped uncover them for her. Satisfying.

Then I walked over to the restaurant where I have been painting. The owner was having a small "grand opening" party for a few of her close friends. I have come to know all of them to some extent, so it was a relaxed, fun evening. The Mr. met me there and we all enjoyed some tasty, pretty authentic, Mexican food.

Although I got caught up in a few hands of cards, we called it an evening early and were home by 8. Watched Dancing with the Stars (which we BOTH enjoy!) and I got some really nice cuddle time with the kitty. She slept on me for over an hour. So sweet.

I am ready to call it a night. Although I'm doing much better, I definitely feel the fatigue of my busy day. At first I thought, "Oh. No problem. Just sitting and talking most of the day; nothing strenuous." But I know better than that. People are TIRING. To be truly listening and engaged in a conversation actually takes a lot of energy! I'm weary.

I'm making it easy on myself and posting a photo of the restaurant interior, like I promised a few days ago. I did take other photos today, but this one is the least hassle.

Kitty is still cuddling. I don't want to put an end to it. If I stay up too late tonight, it will be her fault.

improvement

Well, I think I'm finally bouncing back, as far as this cold goes. I was still and quiet at home once again today, and I think it's paying off. 

Had another bad night, as far as falling and staying asleep. But I slept in until about 9. Breakfast with my Mr. and then I worked on editing photos for a few hours. The ones I took for the restaurant promotion. I still have quite a few to go. It takes a while to tweak colors, contrast, etc. to make them extra good.

My friend came over around lunch time to get a few of the photos on a flash drive. Then Mr. and I had ramen noodles. I haven't had plain old ramen noodles for quite a long time, and they were quite nostalgic. A long-lost comfort food, almost like an old friend.

Then the time wasting began. I should have napped, but watched a few hours of TV and played that stupid video game again. Sleeping would have been so much better for me.

To make up for it and try to be productive, I made some birthday cards. We have a number of January birthdays in our family, and I try to send everyone a handmade card. It gets kind of tricky, because the postal system here isn't very reliable, so we try to send mail with people who are traveling back to the States. If I'm on top of things, I will get cards done a month or so in advance, so I have plenty of time to find someone to carry it back for me.

Anyway, you might not think it, but card making can be very physical. That sounds silly, but I really get into it. Up and down, back and forth to my craft drawer to get supplies. I stand most of the time to get a good angle on my work. But not today. I could feel my lack of stamina compliments of this cold. I was actually a bit clammy, and sat most of the time. But I am happy with how they turned out.

Supper. More TV. Washed dishes. Played with the cat. She cracked me up today. For a few hours she curled up and slept in a paint tray. A cat after my own heart!

So, really. Not really a wasted day. I still feel dissatisfied, though. I haven't had a good time of Bible study since I started feeling sick. That could be the reason for my discontent. All of these things, from the mindless entertainment to the worth-while accomplishments, are all leaving me a little flat and empty. I don't know why I keep looking to them to fill the hole inside. I know from repeated experience that they don't. 

Hopefully tomorrow I will feel more like myself, and start getting things right-side up again.

undisciplined

Yes, I'm still sick. Yes, lying around the house is not doing much for my sense of worth, my sense of accomplishment. I know I don't feel good, but I am not even using this down time for quiet worthwhile pursuits. I'm mostly vegging in front of the TV or playing that stupid video game.

I did nap, the cat with me. After about an hour I woke up and realized she had 2/3 of the couch, and I was balancing on the edge of the couch, which was the 1/3 she left for me. 

But I'm disappointed with my lack of discipline. And it isn't just when I'm sick. I log onto that game, thinking, just 5 or 10 minutes, and it ends up being half an hour or more. I have trouble turning off the TV, even when there isn't anything on and I'm sick of the noise. 

I want a still and quiet mind. I want depth and reflection. Why don't I make the choices that will bring me those things? Why do those things seem like much harder work than quick, mindless entertainment? In the end, I know I would feel more rested. More grounded and steady.

Bah. But for now, I just feel rotten and my mind is mushy with congestion. And if I were disciplined, I would stop typing and go to bed. :-P

fog

Today was just…ok. I feel like I went through most of it in a fog, really. I woke up quite early and had trouble falling back asleep, and I still feel pretty blah from my cold. 

I was productive for the most part, in spite of myself. I had a coaching call first thing in the morning, and then I worked on getting some mail ready to send to the US. Rested a bit, then we went to lunch. Malaysian curry. Yum.

After that I walked to the restaurant and showed my friend the promo photos I have taken. It turned out to be a long visit, although not strenuous. Regardless, I was tired by the time I got home.

I tucked myself into bed with my computer and worked on an Excel spreadsheet, then on a flier for a church bulletin. My Mr. made sandwiches for supper, and then I washed the dishes, since I have REALLY dropped the ball around the house lately. (Did I tell you he made jambalaya last night? Peeled and de-veined the shrimp and everything. He's awesome.)

TV, Blog, that's it. 

The nicest part of today has been the kitty. She has been quite cuddly much of the time. When I got home this afternoon, she was very playful, but still wanted to be near me. I flipped a plastic straw (one of her favorite toys lately) onto the bed as I climbed in, and she pounced and flipped and attacked. She was hilarious! Then she curled up next to me, worn out, and fell asleep. So sweet.

I am actually typing this update with one hand because the other one is holding her. She was not content to sit on my lap as I wrote, but wanted to be nestled against my chest. How could I refuse??!!

Granted, she has a good bit of naughtiness in her; mid-morning we found a shredded roll of paper towels that she apparently stole from the top of the refrigerator in the middle of the night and assaulted shamelessly. But she sure brings joy to my heart anyway.

Oh, and this is the only photo I took today. Some would definitely think it represents true beauty. :-)