anniversary

Well, it's our third anniversary today. Yes, we were married on Leap Day. That means it's been twelve years now. Best decision I ever made.

So, we traveled to Singapore to get away for a few days. Traveled most of the day, and now I have stayed up quite late messing around on Facebook, so I'm not going to write much.

Singapore is amazing, and I've only seen a few blocks of it so far. This is my first time here. The photo is of, ummm, umbrellas, I guess you'd call them. We were in a street for pedestrians—buildings on either side—and there are these huge glass umbrellas spanning the width of the street for at least 3 or 4 blocks. They even have enormous air conditioners in them, blowing cold air. So, you're outside, but not really.

Oh, and the lights inside the umbrellas kept softly changing from one hue to another. Amazing. (Although I totally embrace the fact that, after living in a developing country, I am easily impressed.)

I was watching fellow travelers today, thinking about life. The thing is, I don't take myself too seriously anymore. I used to think I was all that. I believed I was smart enough to figure anything out, hard-working enough to accomplish whatever I set my mind to, and adaptable enough to handle almost any situation. Unfortunately, life has set me straight on all counts.

The flip side, though, is that now I have trouble taking anyone seriously. I mean, what is all the bluster and bravado about? Anyone who comes at me with confidence, competence and a sense of being in control, receives my instant cynicism. The more they try to appear to have all together, the less I believe them.

Life is too short to put so much energy into being someone you're not.

And so I traveled today, comfortable and casual (if not a bit lumpy) in my ball cap, knit shirt, jeans and tennies, rolling my inward eyes at these ladies in their tight skirts, button blouses, heels, and flawless make-up. How do they hope to be perceived by others, and why are they trying so hard? 

Strip away all the outward trappings, and none of us is really that impressive.

aggressive

A frustrating beginning to today. Didn't get out of the house as quickly as I wanted to. I kept finding things to do at home, although I had intended to go to the restaurant bright and early so that I could get a lot of painting done. 

Part of the problem is that we are leaving for a trip tomorrow, so I was trying to think ahead about packing and preparing the house for our absence. The other problem is that I got caught up in e-mails, facebook, and other time wasters. Booo.

Then, when I finally got out the door, I kept hitting road blocks. The tailor, to whom I gave work three weeks ago, still didn't have my pants finished. It didn't even look like he had started. This was the third time he had promised they would be done a certain day, and missed the deadline. I really wanted them for our trip.

I stopped at a hardware store for a few supplies, which went well, and then swung by my friend's house. This is the friend who came over last night, and they had forgotten a bottle at our place. Only, the gate to their apartment building was locked, and no one was available to come open it. So I left the bottle with a neighbor, and didn't get to see my friend. :-(

By that time I was beginning to panic because the morning was slipping away and I hadn't yet made it to the restaurant. But instead of getting agitated, God helped me calm down. I slowed my walk. I looked around for photos to take. I started to feel the anxiety drain away.

As I walked, I thought. One thing I really struggle with living in this country is how aggressive to be. I think that was the problem, both with the pizza last night, and my sewing today. They both know I'm a nice person. I told the tailor there wasn't a rush. (Of course, that was THREE WEEKS ago!)

Much of life here involves fighting and pushing. We have to haggle for everything to get a good price. You have to drive aggressively or you will never get anywhere. Nice people get shoved to the back or taken advantage of. And all of this aggression builds up. I feel a pool of anger slowly filling my soul. My figurative fists are always clenched and I am tensed for a fight.

I long, instead, for a reservoir of peace inside, that I can tap into when things get ugly. I want to rise above the fray and remain calm. I want to drain the angry swamp and replace it with still waters. I hope God is working to change the landscape of my heart.

Anyway, I got to the restaurant and painted the rest of the day. I actually got a lot more done than I expected to, and was pleased with the results of my work.

I came home and showered (my paint clothes were soaked through with sweat) and I was in my comfy pants by 5:30. Not that I just lounged around the rest of the night; I made supper and washed dishes and cleaned the litter box and did a load of laundry. But it was still a relatively quiet evening.

Tomorrow we leave for 5 days. I always get a bit clingy when we are preparing to abandon the cat. I feel so bad leaving her alone. I just want to hold her and cuddle her. Unfortunately, she hates all the extra attention. But it's just for 5 days. She'll be fine. And a friend has promised to stop in and play with her from time to time. It'll be fine, but I think I said that already.

OK. Time to turn in for bed. A busy day awaits us tomorrow.

nice

That is how I would describe today. Just nice.

It started with a coaching call. Only, I wasn't the coach this time. It felt so good to get some help ordering and prioritizing my thoughts.

Then some computer work, e-mail catch-up, and (yes) some computer gaming. Then lunch. Korean. Mr's choice.

After lunch I went to the restaurant to start painting the second half. Nice to have the brush back in my hand. Got the flat base of white primer on today. The fun color work comes tomorrow. Then ordered pizza for delivery and came home to shower, because we were having guests. The delivery guy from the restaurant drove me home because he wasn't doing anything. Sweet thing to do.

The only downer in the day was that the restaurant let me down with the pizza delivery. They came about a half an hour later than I had asked. I don't know what happened there. I called and let them know it wasn't very cool. Especially since a) I ordered a half an hour before I needed it, b) it takes pizza 5 minutes to cook, and c) they are less than 5 minutes from my house. 

But we had a great time with our visitors anyway. They surprised us with an early anniversary cake. It was a sweet surprise. Not only sweet as in thoughtful, but very, VERY rich. Super deluxe chocolate. I am not tired yet, and it's almost 11 pm. I'm sure I didn't need all that caffeine.

The best part of the night is that our friends have two really small kids, and it seemed to still be a pretty relaxed evening. It was actually their first social outing as a whole family since their second child was born 2 months ago. I'm so, so glad that they felt comfortable enough with us to test the waters at our house.

I still haven't forgotten the beauty of yesterday. The film, the way it touched me. The messages are still swirling around in my brain. How is it that I will bring beauty into the world?

unexpected

The day ended on a beautiful note, and so I feel like the whole day was beautiful. I feel full up, satisfied. I will go to bed and dream beauty.

Even barbed wire looked beautiful tonight.

To be honest, the day was full of good things. A looooong skype call with my mom and grandma. Treasures, both of them, although I had the same exchange with grandma about six times.

"What's that sound?"

"Traffic, grandma."

"Where do you live again?"

"In a big city."

"I thought you lived in a hut."

Well, it was something very similar to that, time and again. She is correct in that I live in a poor country, but I have never lived in a hut, and moved to the capitol city four years ago. But in other areas she's still very much herself. Sharp, witty. A beautiful soul, young despite 87 years.

Mr. took care of lunch so that I could have a good two hours to study the Bible, reach out for God. A passage in Isaiah and a Psalm both moved me. I tried to be still, to listen for God. The cat slept at my feet. Although I didn't reach any conclusions, there was a peace about the time.

Church was good, and then we met some friends for supper. On a whim we decided to go to a movie. And that's where the magic happened. As crazy as it might sound, God spoke to me there.

The film we saw was "Hugo". I was transfixed. Transported. Thrilled by beauty. The telling of the story, the craftsmanship, the subject matter all whispered to deep places my soul. Soothed. Stirred. Strengthened.

It's about fixing broken people and finding lost dreams, hope, courage, and creating beauty. It is about being who you were meant to be.

And that had been the nature of my many questions to God earlier in the day.

I followed the man I love to this developing country twelve years ago after a whirlwind courtship, happily setting aside dreams to pursue a new life. Letting go parts of me, in order to be more of what was needed at the time.

And I wouldn't change that.

But I have begun to realize that I dishonor God, doing a disservice to others and myself, by being anything other than who He made me to be. I cheat the world of the unique contribution that only I can make, when I deny what I was designed for.

I exist to glorify the Creator by creating, bringing the order and beauty of the eternal God into this temporary, chaotic world so that others will want more of Him in their lives.

How this will look, and how to go about it, I still don't exactly know. But I felt His nod tonight, through the creativity of others. I am on the right track. He is urging me forward.

grouchy

Well, today I started by snapping at my Mr. and ended the day in the same way. The whole rest of the time I was fine, and we were fine. I just hate it that the day was book-ended by my anger.

I don't quite know what's going on. There is a stinging and discord inside of me, and it poured out on him. Lousy system. I don't know what the matter is, but I need to get down to the heart of it and get rid of it.

The day was very full once again. We did a training most of the day, then I met someone for coaching. Then I made supper and a friend came over for the evening. Good stuff. Satisfying stuff. So why this short fuse?

My photo came easily today. Sometimes I wander through the day shooting randomly at iffy scenarios, hoping that by the end of the day I will have one good shot. But today I found "the shot" and took it. Actually, I took lots of different angles of the same thing. But I knew that was my beautiful photo for today.

Then do you know what I did? I left my camera at home the rest of the day. It was kind of like, "check," got that done. I can stop looking for beauty now. Which is not the way I wanted this exercise to play out. I want to have eyes that continually seek out beauty, whether or not I have my photo. 

That being said, soaking up that beautiful moment and capturing in on my camera was an exquisite experience.

So tomorrow I really need to spend some time with God. Need to get this irritability sorted out and dealt with. Need to reconnect with Him and regain His perspective.

But right now I need to sleep. Too many late nights this week. Probably a contributing factor to my grouchiness.

full

Well, today was a full, busy day, and tomorrow promises to be full and busy too.

I spent the first half of the day at a wedding. It started at 7:30 and we left around 1:30. It was my first trilingual wedding. The bride was French, the groom was a national, and besides these two language, most of the service was translated into English.

The translator was a little rough. He wasn't familiar with Bible terms, so he stumbled a good bit. The funniest goof was, "and the two shall become one meat." Ha!

Besides being trilingual, it was probably the most international wedding I've ever been to. There were about 200 people there, and just at my table (at the reception) There were 2 French, one Malaysian, 3 from the US, one Swiss, and one national. The woman coordinating the reception was from Brazil. The special music was provided by a Korean.

I ended up cutting the cake at the reception, although I never intended to. The coordinator seemed at a loss and asked if I would help. Don't really know why she singled me out. Do I look like a good cake cutter? I must say, I did pretty OK when we got our system down.

Oh, by the way. They have special wedding outfits, I wore mine today from eight years ago. While I could have wished it would be a little looser, it still actually fit me well. So, I guess that's something. If only I could cut down a bit, instead of holding steady.

Home, chilled out a bit on the computer. Called a friend and officially set up a coaching time. This time I'm the one who will be coached. Hopefully it will shake me out of his malaise I've been in.

Then on to start the paint job on the second side of the restaurant. Going to be an enjoyable process.

Mr. met me at the restaurant, we split a large pizza, and went off to babysit. They have two wee tiny ones; 1 and 1/2 yrs, and a few months old. I keep being confirmed that I probably don't have that mothering instict. :-(

Home again, played with the cat. Since we had been gone most of the day she had boundless energy. Funny. I only got seriously clawed once.

So, the things missing from today: devotions and exercise. Will have to work on that.

I forgot to take my camera along with me all day, so I had to shoot a last-minute "beauty" photo. Some might not agree that my choice of subject is real beauty, but it's something near and dear to my heart, which brings me lots of joy. :-)

eden

I first of all want to shout out to a friend who's going through a really rough time right now. Losing someone very dear. I am totally at a loss to know how to reach out, but I want them to know they are heavy on my heart, constantly on my mind, and always in my prayers. Sorry seem so insufficient, but I am truly sorry for your pain.

It is sad that things—lives, days, experiences—must come to an end. But this world is temporary and transitory at best. There is a reason we're called a breath, a vapor, a shadow. But each of us has that desire for permanence, stability, complete safety. I think that's the longing that God has planted in every human for Himself, and for eternity. Only in Him will all those needs be met. And when we finally do get Home; WOW. I can't imagine what it will feel like to never have to say another good-bye. To never feel alone or lost again. To feel for once and for all that true sense of HOME. Belonging. Fitting. Never to lose it again.

I was thinking yesterday (but was simply too tired to articulate it) that that is one reason my cat gives me joy. I can not protect the people I love from pain. Each of us must jump out into life, face it head on, take the bruises and shocks it gives us. We simply don't have a choice. But for my kitty, I can do my best to make a totally secure, safe environment. When I watch her sleep in complete security or play with utter abandon, not really knowing fear or danger, it almost feels like we've returned to Eden. Paradise. For a few moments I come close to touching the innocence of that perfect time and place.

And don't each of our hearts ache for that?

I know mine does.

midnight

It's extremely late again. How does this happen? I won't be finished until after midnight, and I had promised myself I'd get to bed at a good time. Bah.

I got a lot done today, although I felt like I was moving through molasses most of the day. My motivation is so low, even though there are things waiting that I would normally want to do and enjoy doing. I just feel unfocused and blah.

I was thinking today:

One, I dropped off the photos of the lily that I took last week at the Chinese temple. I did not meet the old uncle who talked to me then, but the old dude who I talked with seemed appreciative of the photos.

They have a steady rotation of old dudes, who pound drums and ring bells throughout the day, and maybe on into the night. I don't know what their purpose is, but I sometimes admire their discipline.

But I was thinking that that religion, with its prescribed offerings and  rigorous schedules, might look impressive, but I still think I have it harder. If only I had a check list of things to be done. I'm really good at that. But instead I have a God who wants so much more than outward conformity.

He wants all of me; nothing less will do. He expects me to be so serious about following Him that it impacts everything about me. I am to give Him my thoughts, my reactions, my words, my very soul. Every minute of every day His truth is supposed to saturate and transform my life.

Now I see why people find the "check list" so desirable! This is a tall order!

I think I had more to write about, but I'm fighting to keep my eyes open as it is. Maybe I'll remember it for tomorrow, and if not it must not have been that important.

sand

I can't quite figure out where today went. It just seemed to slip through my fingers. You know, like that cheesy soap opera opening, "as sands through the hour glass, so go the days of our lives."

I have been going to bed late, so I haven't been getting up as early in the morning. And it makes it seem like the day is half over before it even starts.

I didn't exercise, I didn't have devotions. I checked e-mail, worked on a newsletter, played a bit of that facebook game, tweaked photos for printing. Then it was time for a shower and a meeting at noon.

The whole afternoon dissolved in people time. Almost three hours with the people we met for lunch. Then we stopped to drop off something for a friend, and that turned into an hour-plus stay. By the time we got home it was 4:30, and almost time to start on supper.

I went out, dropped off my photo files to be printed, went to the market, and stopped at a pharmacy. Fortunately, I found some good shots for the blog on the way. It was a bit overcast and had started drizzling by the time I got home.

Back home, Mr. made kimchi stew (yum!!); supper, a bit of TV, and now I'm blogging.

How did the day dissolve like this? 

One thing I know for sure, I want to get to bed at a good time so that I can get a jump on the day tomorrow.

That's about it. No insights. No real highs or lows. Just kind of blah.

Except for the cat, who just climbed up in my lap for a bit. She can always make me smile.

busted

So, I think I'm coming out of whatever this funk was this weekend. My apologies to my faithful blogging readers. I haven't been myself. Or maybe I've been too much myself. 

It was a pretty productive day, although not everything went as I expected it to. Found my photo of beauty first thing in the morning on our way to breakfast. That was nice.

Home, worked on e-mail, got a bit distracted by a new game on Facebook. Edited something for Mr. Had a lot more computer work to do, but decided to stop and study the Bible for a while.

It was so good! No weeping willow tree today, but I definitely met with God. Chapter 16 of Ezekiel. The story of Israel's unfaithfulness from God's perspective as a betrayed husband. His pain and outrage are so raw. The descriptions of Israel's unfaithfulness are shocking.

And then, out of the blue, God began dealing with me about my attitude the past few days. It was a cross-reference to Micah 6:8 that got me. Felt the eyes begin to fill, the familiar tightening of the throat. And the sinking feeling that told me I had blown it again.

…And what does the Lord require of you

But to do justice, to love kindness,

And to walk humbly with your God?

To do justice and love kindness. I'm going to have to study those words a bit more, because sometimes it seems like those are opposites, and you have to choose one or the other. But to be fair, I've been more about judgment than justice recently, and kindness has been missing from my repertoire. 

But the thing that struck me most was the need to walk humbly with God. When will my soul learn to yield? Why does it keep rising up— angry, wild, and frantic? Why can't I rest in Him, trusting that He is in control. He doesn't need me to fix things. I don't have any solutions. Let it go. Walk humbly.

And now I feel a bit tired, like someone who has finally given in after a long struggle. And relieved. I don't have to fight this situation any more; I just have to give it to Him. I might play a part in the solution, I don't know. But not by my own strength or wisdom. Only by walking in humble obedience, my soul attentive to His.

Anyway, after that the rest of the day felt a little anticlimactic. Mr. got subs for lunch, I got supper going in the crock pot. Did a bit more computer work, played with the cat (she's hilarious!), exercised. I made it all the way through the 1 hour zumba workout. Whew! Showered, wrote our weekly update, sent a few more e-mails. Tried to make phone calls: O for three. Nobody answered. At least I tried.

I'm going to bed much more at peace tonight. The trick will be to hold on to this lesson tomorrow, and the day after that, and all the days after that.

value

I think today's photo is a good metaphor for how I feel about our years of work here. We have something beautiful to offer, but it has repeatedly been tossed carelessly aside, unappreciated and unvalued.

Part of the problem is that we have been offering something that people can't see, touch, or sell. The things of value that we wanted to give them were things of the character, soul & mind. And one reason our offerings were rejected was that so many others were giving out items of material and monetary value.

People like the individual who caused my rant yesterday.

I feel a bit bad about that outburst. I re-read yesterday's blog this morning and considered editing it a bit to soften it. But that seems to violate well-understood rules of blogging. Raw and unedited seem to be the norm in this form of communication. So the entry will stand as it is, although I don't think it presents me at my best.

While my passion and the strength of my convictions haven't changed from yesterday to today, I'm glad to say my attitude toward the person in question seems to be altered somewhat. I don't think they've received much good guidance or training. They don't seem to be encouraged to stop and reflect, but simply to react to the immediate needs of the moment.

People who live from crisis to crisis make me feel rather panicked. I am not sure why I react like I do, but the moment I find myself in a conversation with a needy, frantic person I immediately feel I'm suffocating. My first instinct is to lash out in anger. We have lived through a number of crises ourselves, an now choose, as much as possible, to avoid them. My reserves must be down, because I can not see my way clear to take on someone else's stress on top of my own.

But today I felt God challenging me to bring beauty into this person's life. That, after all, is why He made me. To bring His beauty into this broken world.

And so, while I hesitate to get involved with this person, I feel urged to at least offer them beauty. We'll see what happens.

ogre

It should have been a good day. To be honest, all but about 20 minutes of it was good. But I am hung up on those 20 minutes.

And I promised myself when I started blogging that I would never write in a derogatory way about someone else, on the odd chance that they might discover my blog and realize I was talking about them. So I can't even vent about it really. I told Mr. about it, so that's something, but that's as far as it will go, really. I hope.

I don't know why I think it's OK for him to see my ugliest side. Yes, sure, I like to think I'm a nice person, but moments like these show me just how nasty I can be. He says I shouldn't be surprised; that I'm a fallen human being. And he still loves me. Amazing.

The problem is, to be short, that there are some people here who, in the name of "helping" do horribly inappropriate things that cause more harm than good. These people typically have a savior complex, and usually don't take time to learn the language or the culture.

And I had to sit and bite my tongue as one of these people described their "ministry" and all the trials they have experienced (mostly, in my humble opinion, because of ignorance and arrogance on their part) and blame the whole thing on God. "I know God wanted me to do this." Seriously, don't blame God when you suffer from foolish choices.

As you can probably tell, I have a bit of trouble mustering up sympathy in situations like this. I feel like an awful ogre.

But really, who am I to talk? After 12 years here in this country, making mistakes of my own, being burned an disappointed, I am no longer willing to entangle myself deeply into the lives of others. At least this person is sincerely trying to make a difference in people's lives, as misguided as their approach may be. These days, my main hope is simply not to add to the darkness all around me. The times when I actually manage to be a feeble source of light are excellent and euphoric. But those days are rare.

I am hoping my pursuit of beauty will help soften me, help quiet the stream of anger that flows under the surface.

But for all my griping, there were many good things in today. Mr. took me out shopping; I have some fabric with which to design a few new tops. I joined a lovely ladies' tea. I celebrated a friend's birthday.

I missed out on my time with Jesus today, and that could be part of the problem. I am totally lacking His perspective right now.

youth

It rained today. It isn't supposed to rain. It's dry season. We were out and about on our motorbike with just one rain poncho between us. I let Mr. wear it, because as the driver in front, he catches most of the wet. I huddled down behind him, and only got slightly damp.

We met a friend for breakfast. Older man. Mentor. I feel calmed and reassured by his presence. His thoughts are deep and I just drink them in. And yet he always takes interest in our ideas. We can go from discussing the aspects of the new heaven and new earth, to laughing over the latest episode of American Idol. (and he isn't even from the US!) (sometimes I wonder if he's laughing AT us instead of WITH us; probably a little of both) ;-)

Two other men in the past have made me feel this way. My grandfather, and my art professor in college. They always had time for me, they were steady, they were men of integrity and wisdom. I lost them both four years ago. After their deaths, the world seemed a little less safe, more chaotic and dark.

What a treasure this friend is.

This evening, the shoe was on the other foot. We were part of a panel of "adults" answering questions about relationships for teenagers in a youth group. It felt weird. When did we become the ones people looked to for answers? Why should we have any credibility at all in their eyes?

Everyone said we did great. I didn't have a good feel for it while we were talking. Some seemed to be paying attention, some were squirmy and bored, some chatted in the back of the room. I wondered if we were connecting at all. We just tried to be honest. I wonder if they heard us.

When I was their age, some things adults said simply didn't make sense. I needed more life under my belt before I could understand. 

How do I become the type of person that fills another with confidence and peace, like this mentor does for us? How do I pass on what life is teaching me so that others can take it to heart? How do I sit under the wisdom of those who have been down the path before me and learn from their lives?

conversations

So, I had an interesting experience while taking this photo. (BTW: Got so many good shots today I had a hard time choosing just one.) This flower is growing in a pot in front of the Chinese temple just a few doors down from our house. I had never seen a lotus open like this before, so I stopped to take it in. I was shooting when this old man came out talking loudly. I thought at first that he was angry, but then concluded he was just maybe a bit hard of hearing. And definitely a bit hard to understand. He didn't have any teeth, so most words came out mushy.

Old people and children are terribly difficult when speaking in your second language.

The best I could gather is that he wanted me to send him a copy of the photos. I told him I could bring him a print in a few days. He asked where I lived and I told him I lived next door. He laughed as if he didn't believe me. I asked if he would be around on Saturday. He said he's there every day, and that I should make sure to bring him a photo. I said I would.

I doubt he believes me, but I'll make good on the promise.

Yes, I live next door. I hear your drums and bells at 5 in the morning. I smell your incense burning. I see your sacrifices and offerings.

I don't know how to be a light to you.

He ended our conversation with "Do good, get good." A belief that everyone around here holds to. Except when pressed. Then they admit pretty readily that, no, it doesn't always work that way. Good people suffer. Bad people prosper.

How do I explain that God allows such things right now, but there is hope for ultimate justice in the end. And you don't want to be on the wrong side of that justice.

Maybe it starts with a photo of a lotus.

I had another conversation today. One which I am so insanely tired of having. The server at the gourmet coffee shop chatted with me as I waited to meet my friend. It went the typical route that most "getting to know you" conversations take, and inevitably came around to, "How many children do you have?"

We have decided not to have children, Mr. and I, a choice which is pretty much unfathomable here. Who, after all, will take care of you when you're old?? His shock was obvious and he asked question after question trying to grasp the concept.

I found myself getting testy.

I hope it didn't show. But after a bit he asked what kind of work I do. I told him I work with the church of Jesus. It's OK to say here, and I figured that if I identified myself as a representative of Jesus I'd have to mind my P's and Q's and be nice to the guy.

It worked.

Fortunately my friend arrived soon afterward. After our coffee we headed back to my house, and there ensued one more noteworthy conversation. (Actually, we had 3 hours of noteworthy conversation, and an hour of coaching, but I'm only going to relay one small, funny bit.)

I was pouring us water to drink, and she noticed that the cat was lapping out of a glass nearby. She wondered whose glass it was, and I had to admit that it was the cat's. She thought it was hilarious that the cat has her own glass.

The thing is, whenever I would pour a glass of water, I'd turn to put the pitcher back in the fridge, and when I would turn back, the cat would always be there, drinking out of my glass. So, finally, I got out a shorter little glass and now I always pour water for the cat at the same time that I pour water for myself. It seems to be working. She loves her glass, and drinks out of it all the time, even though there's a whole bowl of water sitting on the floor by her food.

Overindulgent? Naaah. I don't think so.  ;-)

miscellaneous

Today was full of odds 'n ends. Like that catch-all drawer in your house, with random and surprising treasures. 

The day started at about 5 this morning. I figured I might as well get up. Tried to cuddle the cat, who—although she still kind of likes me OK—seems to be growing bored with me. :-( Then devotions; a Psalm this time. Followed by an after devotion nap (which threatened to begin mid-devotions a few times). Fortunately it was a pretty interesting psalm, with apocalyptic images and references to Ezekiel. He's confusing reading, but not remotely boring.

Shower, then ready for a coaching appointment by 8. I find it SO rewarding, and can't believe I actually get to count that as work!

Off to a late breakfast with the Mr., then a bit of a drive to check out a meeting room on the edge of town. Nice place. Hopeful that it will really suit our needs well.

Home, leftovers for lunch (the last of Mr.'s lentil soup). A little TV. Laid down for a nap, but ended up playing Angry Birds instead. Up, feeling at a loss for what to do next, but not wanting to waste any more time.

Mr. left for a meeting and I had the house to myself. Decided to exercise for about an hour. Cold shower afterward felt sooooooo good. OK, now what?

I decided to research stock photography on the internet. I'm thinking I might be able to sell some of my photos. Mr. is talking about getting more education, and we'll need some additional income. I'm excited about the possibility of helping him reach his goals.

I think I'd love to learn more about photography. Lighting, angles, etc. If I make it more of my "thing" I'll probably need a fancier camera. I love my small point and shoot; I can take it anywhere. But I hear good lenses make the shot, and this camera doesn't have the capacity to change lenses.

Maybe I should sit down and read the manual for the one I have first; really master it. That would be a good start, huh?

It's a weird feeling to just grope my way through a day. I am the type who prefers a plan. But God seems to be asking us to kind of feel our way through a lot of things lately; the future is so unclear. Maybe I'm supposed to be learning something. Hope I figure out what it is!

And just for the record, two more English words that bug me with their ambiguity: minute and wound. So, do I mean "the sum of 60 seconds" or "extremely small"? Am I referring to an injury, or the past tense of the verb "wind"? (Not to be confused with the noun "wind", but I already griped about that one!)

Come on! Who came up with this language? And one more thing to ponder: the nationals here always ask me why I speak English, and not American. I have no good answer.

valentine's

So, today was a weird mix of contrasts; fine and common, good and bad, ups and downs.

I awoke feeling weary. Had a good time of devotions, which were calming and refreshing. Talked to Mr. after he received an upsetting e-mail and lost all my calm, seeing his frustration. Went out on some errands and snapped at a national or two. Walked a little farther, talked myself into a better frame of mind, and snapped some photos of beauty. Home again, argued with Mr., heavy-hearted. Happy Valentine's Day. :-(

Out for a late birthday lunch with a friend. Good conversation, excellent French food. Feeling better. Home, had a meeting, made some phone calls. Our evening plans with friends fell through, stayed home and ordered pizza in. Watched some old TV shows and vegged out. Enjoyable, comfortable. Played with the crazy little cat. Laughed with the Mr.. Happy Valentine's Day. :-)

It was an OK day, if you average everything together. Sorry for the rough patches. Hopefully we'll do better tomorrow.

communication

I got up this morning and I actually felt like exercising. It was amazing. I can't remember how long it's been since I had that much energy. It's a really, really nice feeling. I did zumba from about 6:30 to 7:30, and then showered. It was so satisfying to know I had accomplished something significant by 8:00 in the morning.

That was important, because after breakfast I started in on e-mails, and spent most of the rest of the morning writing those, as well as composing our weekly update. Who knew it would take that long?? I got a bit creative with today's newsletter, and you know what? It kind of took away my desire to write the blog tonight. Like I had already scratched that creative itch for today.

Put supper in the crock pot while my Mr. heated up lunch: lentil stew that he had made a few days before. Boy is it good. I talked to a friend on the telephone for a while. A little TV time, then I played Angry Birds a bit.

It was a bit funny, because while I was fixated on those digital birds, my kitty was in the window sill captivated by the real birds that were just out of her reach. It drives her crazy.

Then I met a friend at a coffee shop, enjoyed a decaf mocha, and visited with her for a few hours. We talked and talked, about simply everything. It was nice. Then on the way home I stopped to visit my friend who's running the restaurant that I painted last month. She had had a particularly bad day, and so I listened as she vented.

Home, supper out of the crock pot, fun TV again. Not a particularly profound day, but satisfying anyway. The one thing I didn't work in was Jesus time, which is probably why I was not really thinking about Him much as I went through the day. Too bad. Wonder what it could have been like if I had been more aware of His presence.

The little cat really cracked me up today, even though she was being bad. I have been typing recently with my laptop on the kitchen table—a place she is not allowed to be. So, when I saw her leap up out of the corner of my eye, I sternly said, "Hey!" Did she jump down? NO. Instead she crouched down behind the vertical screen part of my laptop, making herself so small that I truly couldn't see her at all. As if, if I didn't see her, I would forget about the kitty on the table. It made me laugh out loud, and my attempts to be stern were forgotten. Then a few hours later, she did the exact same thing again. What am I supposed to do when she is so terribly cute in her naughtiness?!

Well, I think I'm going to sign off and try for a little quiet time before bed. Better late than never, right?

PS: In case you can't tell, the photo tonight is a gas station. Here you can buy your gas by the half-liter, liter, or two-liter bottle. Nice, huh?

feet

Sunday. Quiet. Spent a good part of the morning studying a psalm. Wanted to really connect with God, but the time feel a bit flat. Not for lack of trying. Don't know why.

Finally around 11:00 I gave it up and went to a near-by spa to get a foot treatment. I have a lot of rough, dead skin (from walking around in sandals all the time, I guess) and have been feeling kind of bad about how ugly my feet looked. Besides that, it's a nicely decorated, quiet place and always makes me feel peaceful.

Except that time a few weeks ago when I snapped at the receptionist who waited until AFTER I was undressed and on the massage table to tell me it would be a 10 minute wait until a masseuse was available.

But today I was the only customer. All was well, even though I recognized the girl who sat down to treat my feet as the girl to whom I had shown my temper last month. She was nice, I was nice. Very good. Let the relaxation begin.

So I leaned back and closed my eyes. I pictured myself under the weeping willow tree, and started a conversation with Jesus. We chatted a bit about what I had been reading earlier, and about questions I had. The masseuse was working my calves and it felt really good. Ahhhh. Perfect.

Then Jesus said, "Well, aren't you going to introduce me?" 

And I was like, "You're kidding, right??" I do not do that. I'm not the type of person who evangelizes total strangers. 

But he said, "We're all three right here in this room. It isn't polite not to introduce people who don't know each other."

I argued, reasoned, rationalized, whined. But I was rather sure there was no getting around it. I told Jesus I wasn't taking Him along on any more massages. He said that I didn't have any choice.

So I stalled longer, making sure I had all the words I needed, trying to predict how the conversation would go. He assured me all I needed was the first question, "Have you ever heard about Jesus?" and He'd take care of the rest.

Finally I was all out of excuses. So I opened my mouth and asked. "Have you ever heard about Jesus?"

And the earth did not shudder to a halt. The building did not cave in. She didn't even pause in her scrubbing with the pumice stone. She said she had from people doing door to door evangelization, but hadn't really had time to listen. She added that she had a sister-in-law who was a believer.

I told her if she ever had any questions she could feel free to ask me. She was quiet a bit, and then said, "Well, all religions are good." I've heard that one before. So I responded, "But only one can get you to heaven."

I told her I knew that Buddhism teaches that you are reincarnated again and again until you do enough good things to hopefully, maybe reach heaven someday after a very long time. But followers of Jesus go to heaven immediately after they die.

She seemed surprised. "They go right to heaven?" Yep. I had caught her interest, but that was the end of the conversation. She kept working my feet, and I, satisfied that I had done my part, leaned back to enjoy the rest of the treatment.

I told Jesus I could tell all this "practicing His presence" was going to be trouble. I mean, if you really truly think of Him tangibly there beside you, it's going to have a huge impact on how you behave. 

Then I remembered the verse, "How beautiful are the feet of those who bring good news." (Well, duh, if you share the good news while getting a pedicure!!) ;-) But really, I guess I didn't actually need the pedicure after all, to have nice feet.

So I snapped a photo of them. Hope you don't mind. Jesus says they're beautiful.