wrestling

Slight improvement today. Few traces of my cold left. Still slept in too late. Still wasted time with computer games. Still didn't exercise.

However, I worked for a while on a Hebrew word study; something I had started quite a while ago. Felt good to make some progress on that, although it showed again how far I have to go before I can claim to have any grasp of the Hebrew language.

Joined some ladies for baking this afternoon. Still kind of down, sort of grumpy about being there. I just showed up because I had committed to being there. Didn't really want to get involved. But gradually my foul mood started lifting. I started enjoying myself—in spite of myself.

Actually arrived back home rather upbeat. And with lots of pastries.

It was dusk by then, and I went out to try to grab a shot on the waning light. Didn't come up with anything very good.

People are a lot harder to photograph than inanimate objects. Mostly because non-living things don't seem to mind if you shoot them obsessively from different angles, and they don't care how long you take to do it. People start to notice after the second or third shot, so there isn't as much chance to get things just so.

But I am starting to see better. The beauty in a face, in a gesture, in a silhouette. I just have to get better at capturing it with the camera.

I realized today that in the past the answer to my "funks" or down times has always been to jump into activity and accomplish something. I get value and satisfaction out of achievement. But that really shouldn't be the place I look for relief. My self-worth and peace of mind should come from my standing with God. Only, when I'm down, I don't remember all the good things about being His child, and I am really not in the mood to go looking for Him. Pity, though. When He's exactly what I need. Stupid to try to wrestle the depression on my own.

I can' get over Mr. and the cat. I swear he treats her too rough; almost like you would a dog. But she has this place she goes to; it's their special spot (on a bar type area with a Tiger beer mat), and he scratches her and pets her until she almost falls over. And wouldn't you know it, she always comes up purring. It looks painful to me, her ears are back and feet braced. She tries to nip and pounce. But she seems to love it. And then she wants to play, play, play. They chase all around the house, and it ends where it began—back onto her little Tiger mat where she gets another man massage with Mr.'s massive hands.

I, on the other hand, just want to hold her, cuddle her, "gentle" her, as I call it. Mr. says I simply don't know anything about cats. ??? Maybe he's right.