lost

Today happened pretty much like I figured it would. I keep wondering if I could have done something to avoid it. I suppose so.

I did allow myself to sleep in. But then about 10 I wandered out in search of materials to help with our talk at church today. I knew that I didn't have to do it. The talk would have been OK without them. But I have this funny thing about doing things well. Both Mr. and I really pursue excellence in the things we take on.

So, I went to an Indian place and ordered some naan, which was part of what I needed. It looked very sleepy and quiet in the restaurant and I checked and double checked that they actually had a cook in the back to make the food. She said yes, so I waited. And waited. And waited. After about half an hour a guy came in and went straight to the back. Then I waited some more. Finally I got the bread. I was pretty ticked, but managed to keep calm.

As I walked home I asked myself, what do you think God wanted me to learn from this? Maybe to let things go and stop needing to do everything so perfectly. I also thought again of the verse about not getting angry because the anger of man does not accomplish the righteousness of God.

So, probably it was a successful/failure kind of morning. I missed out on the things I really wanted to do because I was being a perfectionist. But I didn't blow it by losing my temper when the waitress lied to me. So… there you have it.

When I got home we had lunch and watched a bit of TV and then I had less than an hour before we needed to go. There were so many good things I had wanted to do. And I couldn't do any of them. I felt so lost, and a bit frustrated, and disappointed in myself for the choices I'd made. I tried to read the Bible a bit and calm myself. But I was still a bit off when we headed to church.

As I rode the moto, I knew exactly how it would play out. We would get there, do a really good job, people would love it, and I would feel much better about the whole thing. And I am not convinced that's a great thing. I disappointed myself and maybe God my not making time for Him today. But a smattering of applause from my peers, and I'll feel like everything's alright.

And it happened just like that.

I really need to get still and quiet with God. But the next few days are starting to pile up busy again. How does it get like this? Hope I can make good choices in the midst of the rush.