uncomfortable

Well, today. Another weird one. I think this weather is getting to me. That and my hectic schedule. And not enough sleep.

Up at 5:30, after going to bed at 12:30. Housework, short devotions, reading for my on-line class. Breakfast, coaching meeting at 8. Showered, and off to a meeting at 10.

It was an orality meeting; a meeting for people who are trying to use Bible storytelling in their work and ministries. I am good at storytelling, and believe it's the absolutely best way to do things here. Most people here learn best from the spoken word. But am I doing it? No. Do I intend to do it? Not really. We're leaving at the end of this year. We're tired and the thought of starting something new at this point sounds totally overwhelming. So what was I doing there today? I don't know. I felt like a total fake.

What's worse, I'm helping lead a storytelling workshop the last three days of this week. Why did I commit to that?? Besides being a complete fraud, I have so much other work to do! I hope I don't end up regretting this decision (more than my general misgivings at this moment).

Lunch, home. I succumbed and laid down for a short nap. Maybe a half an hour, I thought. I was just so tired from the short night. Well, two hours later Mr. shook me awake, wondering if I had plans for the afternoon. Boy did I! Not that I had any meetings I had to be at or anything, but there were a lot of things I had wanted to accomplish. What a way to screw up an afternoon.

I must admit, however, I did feel a lot better.

Mr. is so funny with the cat. He came walking through the living room a bit after my nap, holding the cat in his arms on her back. Her legs were all sticking up, this way and that. But she didn't seem worried; she actually seemed pretty relaxed. The thing is, he's carried her this way since she was little, and she trusts him, even though it goes against all "cat wisdom" about the proper way to make a cat feel secure. Which is, to hold it right-side up, and support all of its feet.

It struck me that I am like a cat on its back. For almost two years now Mr. and I have been in a kind of limbo. Our future is unsure, there is no discernible plan. We keep asking God for guidance, but it is really slow in coming and everything is still very unclear.

When we first found ourselves in that position, I felt upside down. I clawed and twisted to try to get my feet back under me. I fought and scratched because it was such a frightening place for me to be in. But nothing worked. I kept finding myself on my back with nothing solid to stand on.

But I think I'm learning—I HOPE I'm learning—just Whose arms I'm in. And He is completely trustworthy. He isn't going to drop me. Just because I feel out of control doesn't mean He is not in control. He's asking me to relax and trust Him, even though it isn't a comfortable position for me to be in.

Gosh, I learn a lot from that cat. ;-)

So, I've been working with renewed vigor the rest of the afternoon and on into the evening. It's now 9 and I still need to get reading done for my class. Which means it's time to wrap this post up. Hopefully I'll get to bed at a good time tonight.