weakness

This is getting old. This cycle of feeling a bit better, exerting myself, then feeling worse again. I slept most of the morning, drifting in and out as I read my Bible. 

I hate having to come face to face with the fact that I am weak and fallible. I am not kicking this cold quickly. I am not invincible. I am not in control.

I read in a commentary today that the Hebrew word for "worship" literally means to prostrate oneself or, and the author put it, "getting low before God". I am not good at that. I am not good at bending the knee, bending the will. Feeling small.

Some people reject God for that very reason; they don't want to face a being who is too big for them to grasp, who dwarfs us in His infinity. And yet by doing so, they make their lives small. Life is reduced to here and now; death is the end.

Conversely, by embracing the existence of an eternal, too-big God—by acknowledging our smallness—our lives become huge. Full of meaning, full of purpose, full of love, full of hope. We belong to something bigger than just one lifetime. We take our place (tiny as it is, it is a unique place that only we can fill) in eternity.

I am tired, tired, tired. I want to be young and fit again. I want to believe I'm in control. I want to feel strong enough, smart enough, self-sufficient enough to handle whatever comes my way.

But those days are gone. And it's probably for the best. I hate feeling weak, feeling small—but it's the only way to make me get low before God. The only way for me to remember who's really in charge here. 

Unfortunately, I seem to need a lot of reminders.