relapse

Well, by the time I went to bed last night I was feeling pretty bad again. Terribly sore throat, and congestion in my upper chest. And my whole body hurt. When I lay down flat it felt like I was going to suffocate.

So, I spent most of the night in a lounge-type chair. Slept on and off. The only bright spot was that the kitty came and slept on me most of the night. Other than that it was pretty miserable.

Lying awake it's easy to let your mind drift. Linger on things you don't want to think about. Easy to start feeling down, especially when you feel physically bad as well. I cried a while about very old sorrows, and more recent ones. 

I just wished for the numbness sleep to come claim me. Stop the sadness, stop the whirling thoughts, stop my body from aching. 

I was reminded of Hamlet's monologue wishing for sleep, but of course he meant death. It was the uncertainty of what came afterward that gave him pause.

I've been thinking lately that we have things very, very turned around. What we call life is really the process of dying. We begin to decay from the moment we are born. And yet we hold onto it with all we have. It's all we know.

But for the Christian at least, death is actually the doorway to life. Real, vibrant, true life. Life with no pain, no endings, no good-byes. Life where we never run out of time, or energy, or zest for living.

Hamlet was afraid of death because he feared the dreams that would come afterward. I think probably, when we finally reach eternal life, this earthly existence will seem like some sort of strange dream; a vapor, a shadow. We'll wonder at the choices we made. Wonder why we thought they were so important. Wonder why we thought we were living.

I don't mean to disparage this life at all. It's a gift from God, and for some reason, the path He has chosen for us to walk to enter His presence and true Life. I just hope I'm using it for things that will follow me into eternity, and not on temporary, meaningless pursuits that will die here.