ogre

It should have been a good day. To be honest, all but about 20 minutes of it was good. But I am hung up on those 20 minutes.

And I promised myself when I started blogging that I would never write in a derogatory way about someone else, on the odd chance that they might discover my blog and realize I was talking about them. So I can't even vent about it really. I told Mr. about it, so that's something, but that's as far as it will go, really. I hope.

I don't know why I think it's OK for him to see my ugliest side. Yes, sure, I like to think I'm a nice person, but moments like these show me just how nasty I can be. He says I shouldn't be surprised; that I'm a fallen human being. And he still loves me. Amazing.

The problem is, to be short, that there are some people here who, in the name of "helping" do horribly inappropriate things that cause more harm than good. These people typically have a savior complex, and usually don't take time to learn the language or the culture.

And I had to sit and bite my tongue as one of these people described their "ministry" and all the trials they have experienced (mostly, in my humble opinion, because of ignorance and arrogance on their part) and blame the whole thing on God. "I know God wanted me to do this." Seriously, don't blame God when you suffer from foolish choices.

As you can probably tell, I have a bit of trouble mustering up sympathy in situations like this. I feel like an awful ogre.

But really, who am I to talk? After 12 years here in this country, making mistakes of my own, being burned an disappointed, I am no longer willing to entangle myself deeply into the lives of others. At least this person is sincerely trying to make a difference in people's lives, as misguided as their approach may be. These days, my main hope is simply not to add to the darkness all around me. The times when I actually manage to be a feeble source of light are excellent and euphoric. But those days are rare.

I am hoping my pursuit of beauty will help soften me, help quiet the stream of anger that flows under the surface.

But for all my griping, there were many good things in today. Mr. took me out shopping; I have some fabric with which to design a few new tops. I joined a lovely ladies' tea. I celebrated a friend's birthday.

I missed out on my time with Jesus today, and that could be part of the problem. I am totally lacking His perspective right now.