being

Again late. Again tired.

Met the same friend from last night for breakfast this morning. Again nice to be with him.

Home, hoped for some rest and reflection time. Did a little of both, but not as much as I had planned. I blame the Mr. He turned on the TV and we were hooked. That dog whisperer guy is pretty amazing!

After about an hour we turned off the TV and I got to think some about the seminar we helped to facilitate this past weekend. Mr. and I went through the same process two years ago, and I really wanted to revisit my notes and think things through again.

One part of the training is to come up with personal vision statement. So many people this weekend had very ambitions goals, aspirations to really make a difference here. It was inspiring. I had a vision like that two years ago, too.

I have been raised with the belief that I can change the world, accomplish great things. When I came here my expectations were high. I was going to really make an impact.

However, after about 12 years here I seem to have had very little effect. I have seen many failures, disappointments; made many mistakes. I am beginning to understand that I actually have no power to change lives or right wrongs. There are some days I struggle just to be a positive presence for the people around me.

I wonder if I have fallen short by not realizing my vision. Have I given up? Am I just making excuses for something I'm too tired/lazy/discouraged to try? Or am I actually learning a much more important lesson? I feel like God is asking me to find value in the small, mundane things of every-day life. He isn't asking me (right now) to so something extraordinary for Him. And yet a life of consistent faith is the greatest thing I could ever do.

 Working on who I am doesn't feel like achieving. But I'm coming to believe that all the greatest "doing" in the world flows out of a deep life of "being."