husband

OK. My husband is simply AWESOME!

I wasn't in such a funk today, but still not completely on top of things. We took the cat to the vet. She's fine, just a regularly-scheduled deworming shot. Talked a bit about the upcoming flight to the US. The vet didn't seem concerned. Wish I felt the same.

Then Mr. drove me about a half an hour out of town to check out a resort that I might take some ladies to for a retreat. He didn't complain at all. I didn't exactly know how to find it, but he did, and didn't mind taking me there.

We had pho for lunch. H—we LOVE pho. Can't wait to share a bowl with you!!

Later, as I was working on e-mails and other stuff he walked through the living room purposefully, with his bag over his shoulder. When I asked where he was going, he said he was getting groceries for supper. Which was great news because I had NO plan. Not only did he get the groceries, he made the supper and washed the dishes afterward. And it was yummy. I am SO not worthy.

Sigh.

I woke up in the middle of the night last night, and had trouble falling back to sleep. I kept thinking about our friend who died suddenly. I think what bothers me is that I want so desperately to believe that the world is generally safe. But it isn't. And yet, in order to get up and go about our days, we have to believe it is. When I step out of my door, nothing bad is going to happen. When I drive on the street, I won't have an accident. When I interact with this person they won't seek to harm me. And many times we're right. But sometimes we're not. And that's the scary thing.

It seems that in order make life and civilization work, we have to believe the best, or we wouldn't actually risk anything. But are we just deceiving ourselves?

I talked with Mr. over lunch. Part of why I want to go back to the US is that it feels safer. It feels more predictable and controllable. He (in typical realist/pessimist mode) responded that it's just more easy to deceive ourselves there. Here, we come face-to-face with the danger and instability of life so much more often.

I don't know. God seemed to whisper to me last night that my desire for a safe, secure environment will only be realized in heaven. I just have to figure out how to live in this less predictable one until I get there.