weaned

Well, I just might make my 9 o'clock deadline for getting the blog written tonight. It really should have been no problem. I intended to sit down to write it at around 8. I was free, most everything else finished for the night. Nothing was stopping me.

Except the cat, that is. She was in a playful mood. She was so beguiling. There was just no denying her.

We played for about a half an hour.

Yes, me. A grown woman. Playing with a little kitty for half an hour. Crawling on all fours, hiding, pouncing. (Yes, that was me, not the cat.) Rolling her ball, dangling her string. She, in return, pounced, rolled, hid, lept, skittered here and there. It was glorious. I couldn't help but smile, almost the whole time.

You could think it was a little silly to play so. Some might "tsk" me for wasting so much time. But when is the last time you smiled for a half an hour straight?? I don't think that happens much anymore.

She's sprawled out on the tile floor now, recouperating.

God and I wrestled over her again today. It was one of my half-days with Him. I have been meditating on Psalm 131 for the last few weeks. It's the one that says, "I have stilled and quieted my soul like a weaned child rests against its mother…" One commentary I read said that the weaned child is significant, because he delights in his mother not for anything she can give him (like milk), but simply because she is his mother. He rests in just being with her. She's pretty much still his whole world, and all he needs to feel safe and secure is her.

I am working towards that. I really am. But there are so many other things that make my life nice and happy. Little things, sure. But mainly Mr. and the cat. Do I really depend on Him solely for my safety and security?

He seemed to ask, "Would you be willing to give them up to find out?" My response was, "NO! Or, uh, yes. Honestly? No…  Wait, is this a theoretical question, or do you mean literally? Like, are you testing me like Abraham with Isaac? Because if I knew you were just asking, and wouldn't really take them…then, yes."

That's pretty much how it went. Pathetic, right?

I wondered, "Can't I learn to totally lean on you and still have those good things in my life?" He kind of asked, "What do you think?"

That's a tough question. You can think you've totally mastered something, and then get to a point of crisis, and realize you only thought that you had, because you hadn't really been tested in it. For instance, I was always nice and thin growing up. All the way until I got married I was skinny. If anyone had asked me, I would have said, "Of course I don't get my self-worth from my figure!" How shallow would that be? But then, due to a few different factors that hit all at once, I gained a good bit of weight in 2 (or so) years. I won't say I was fat. One friend graciously termed it, "Rubenesque." (an art reference; google it) And then, I must admit, I had to struggle a bit with my identity and my self image. I didn't know how being thin was part of my identity until I lost it.

In addition, I realized tonight that to wean a child, you take the breast away. You don't say, "Well, you can have it as long as you realize you don't NEED it." In fact, once a child is weaned, it would be inappropriate for him to go back to nursing.

So… I was left uncertain. I don't know if there is any other way to learn total dependence on God. I certainly hope so. And tonight, playing with my cat, I think I felt God enjoying the moment with me. He took pleasure in my pleasure. I thanked Him for adding such a joyful little detail to my life. I determined to be present in the present and stop fretting so about things I can't control anyway. I think God approved of that decision and, for a while at least, we stopped wrestling.