quiet

It was a quiet day, and it was ahhhhhh.

Didn't really go out much, and when I did I forgot my camera, so you're getting a rather blah photo tonight. 

We had breakfast late (9-ish), watched a James Bond movie (OLD! Sean Connery from 1963) (We were actually hoping to catch a UFC fight, but it wasn't on like we thought it would be.) Then I worked on some birthday cards—kind of half-heartedly, though. Didn't make much progress. (We know people going back to the US this week, and I need to send the cards with them.) Sub sandwiches, golf on TV, snoozing, church. (The snoozing was during golf, NOT during church!!) Supper with friends, home.

I was rather convicted by the service tonight. The text was on God calling Moses, and all his excuses not to go. The speaker pointed out Moses seemed pretty content and comfortable with his shepherding gig, and at 80, probably didn't want to start a new adventure. Then we ended the night with a song about, "Here am I, send me!"

It might seem weird for someone living in a foreign country to feel convicted by a "send me" sermon. I mean, haven't I already gone??? But the hard, cold truth is that I have kind of withdrawn in the past year or so. I'm still here, but my efforts at being a light are half-hearted at best. I feel successful if I make it through the day without adding to the darkness of this place. I'm sorry to say, my light is weary and flickering at this point.

On the other hand, I am trying to come alongside others who are ministering and encourage them. Does that count for something? I am also concentrating on pursuing God and finding fulness and refreshment in Him. For so long I tried and stressed and strained, working in my own power. No wonder I'm burnt out. But giving myself permission to slow down, stop pushing, and really focus my energies and efforts on relationship with God—it seems selfish and uncaring in this lost, broken place.

But isn't that just what I explained to the people at the seminar yesterday? Nothing we accomplish or do could ever delight God as much as when we take the time to really be with Him, enjoy His presence, deepen our relationship. Any ministry we do MUST flow out of quiet times of fellowship with God. Do I really believe it? Yes, I think so. But there is just so much pressure to perform!!! And when does it become a cop-out, an excuse not to reach out to others?

So, that's my struggle tonight. I know I'm empty. I know I'm pursuing the only One who can refill me. I know that I am still working to build up His body by strengthening those who already believe. Am I a failure because I'm not trying to win anyone new?? Maybe. I truly don't know.