peace

So. Sleep proved elusive last night. Not at first. I fell asleep just fine. However, I woke up around 3:30 to go to the bathroom, and really never fell deeply asleep after that. I think I dozed a bit, but it was fitful and I really felt drug out by the time (5:30) I finally decided to give up and start my day. The weird thing is, I wasn't really worrying or upset about anything. I just couldn't sleep.

I stumbled through my exercises, played with the cat, and then got myself out the door for my 1/2 day with God. I probably should have gotten a regular coffee at the coffee shop, to help me wake up, but I still don't trust how caffeine will react with my body. So, I had a tame chai tea latte.

The first half of my morning I just fought to stay awake, stay engaged. I finally "came to" enough to do some good journaling and pray a bit. I am still haunted by the 3 kids I mentioned in yesterday's post. There is just so much I don't understand.

Unfortunately, I felt like it was a total flop today in regards to my interactions with nationals. I was so tired, my insides felt snappy, even if I didn't show it on the outside. I HOPE I didn't show it on the outside, that is. A few times I wasn't  so sure…

I fear that long ago I learned to draw on anger as one coping mechanism. Because of some deep hurts from childhood, I arrived in college with a deep pool of anger in the pit of my soul. Admittedly, anger can be channeled in positive ways and give you an extra boost of strength or motivation when needed. But it really isn't good.

By God's grace, I dove deeply into that blackness one summer, staring the root causes in the face. He graciously drained all of that anger away. It was a scary process, but it felt so good to be free.

Unfortunately, I feel like the empty cavity that was left behind has gradually filled again over the years. All too often these days, anger is my first response to adversity, confusion, or frustration. It is discouraging to see an old habit rear its ugly head again. And tiring to know the deep work that must be done in order to empty the pool again.

I have been repeating the verse from James that says, "…everyone must be quick to hear, slow to speak and slow to anger; for the anger of man does not achieve the righteousness of God." Argh.

I think that's part of the reason for these mornings with God. I try to get quiet with Him. To focus on Him. To find peace that will calm the churning anger inside. And it works. While I'm studying. While I'm isolated and wrapping myself intentionally in His presence. But as soon as I step out into the "real world" the anger comes bubbling back up again.

So, I know I haven't found true peace yet. True peace wouldn't melt away as soon as the harsh rays of the sun touched it.

When am I going to get this?