Frustration

It really was a fine day. Not bad at all. I shouldn't let the fact that it ended poorly color the whole day. 

I got up and jogged. It really wasn't bad; I fell into a rhythm sort of, and it didn't seem like such a monumental effort to keep putting one foot in front of another. Good news, seeing that my 3K "fun run" (what's fun about it???) is in less than a week now.

I saw a guy running all out during my exercise this morning. I typically meet him jogging, but this time he was sprinting. It must have been at the end of his route. Anyway, I realized that I can't remember the last time I ran just as fast as I could, full speed. It made me kind of sad. I briefly considered trying it then and there, but I had already jogged my full distance and was pooped. Besides, I was afraid of pulling, twisting or breaking something. Isn't that sad? When did I start to think like such an old person?

Home, breakfast, devotions that I actually stayed awake for. Lunch and meeting with team-mates, home. Then the trouble began.

We have to take this test for our work, to determine our strengths. I did the reading required beforehand, and then logged onto their web site and took the test. The results weren't too surprising; I'm pretty aware of my strengths. The frustrating thing is that I am unable, at this time, to utilize those areas of strength.

Because of our chosen profession, where we live, and an element of transitions in our lives, I simply can't use some of my strengths. These tests assume that if you know your strengths, you'll automatically begin to use and develop them. Why don't they take into account that there are other factors that might get in the way? My life is tied into that of another, and that requires some give and take. I need to be more concerned about seeing him thrive than I should be concerned about my own personal satisfaction.

Of course, it is a struggle to achieve and maintain that attitude. And so this test made me grumpy, frustrated not only that I am giving some things up, but that now I have to work hard once again to be OK with it.

Of course, my Mr. could tell I was upset. But I didn't know how to explain things without him hearing regret and reproach. I tried anyway, did it badly, and he indeed hear me saying it was all his fault and I was sorry to be stuck here with him. I should just learn not to try to express things in the heat of emotions. It doesn't work so well.

So here we are. I'm exhausted and my Mr. has gone to bed, he's hiding behind a book waiting to fall asleep. I'm nodding off as I type. We'll work it out, I'm sure…

…just not tonight!