listen

I spent a good bit of the day yesterday listening to people. I seem to be good at it, and even though I don't say much, people usually say it was really helpful to have talked things through. I also find it extremely fulfilling. But I came away from the conversations yesterday wondering, wondering.

I wondered why people seem so starved for someone to talk to. Is listening a lost art? Are most people so interested in their own thoughts and words that they don't give others a chance to talk? Why is it so hard for some people to be open and vulnerable with another? Are trusting relationships so rare?

Of course, with the people I met yesterday our stated goal in getting together is for me to listen and for them to talk. It is a little one-sided. I don't have many expectations for reciprocation. But it makes me really happy to build them up like that. It's so wonderful to be a steady presence in their lives, to see them calmed by a few hours of being with me.

It's kind of like their thoughts and feelings are stormy waves that just crash and swirl around in their heads, with no outlet. And then, once a week, they can just let it all flow out. I'm kind of like a big rock that their pent-up ideas can flow around and crash against, but I remain unshaken. And somehow in the process the waters still, the confusion gets sorted, the emotions settle. It's an amazing thing.

But the other thing I started wondering—and this is a new thought for me—is, who does that for me? Where's my listener? Mr. is a lot of wonderful things, but when I express concerns or troubled thoughts, he wants to fix things. And that's not what I'm looking for. It's not listening. It actually inhibits me from sharing freely with him, because I see it agitates him and he takes such responsibility on  himself to make things "OK".

I know I don't have such a strong need to process things verbally. It does help at times, for sure, but it isn't my only way to cope. But, sure, I'd like someone to just sit and listen to me from time to time.

On the flip side, however, I also wondered—briefly—if I would actually be able to sit and talk about myself the whole time. I would feel kind of selfish. I'm not sure if I could do it, without trying to turn to conversation to the other person from time to time.

Please don't get me wrong. I really like the ladies I met with yesterday, and am SO happy to fill this role in their lives. I don't think of them as selfish—I see them as courageous, struggling with so many things alone. I truly believe they need the outlet I provide for them. I'm just not sure I have the same need at the same level of intensity.

Maybe that's what makes me a good listener.