getting to me

Things sort of got to me today. 

We met a grandmotherly beggar at our breakfast noodle shop. She wanted money but we bought her a bowl of noodle soup. She told us all her kids were dead and she needed money to get to her home village, where she had relatives. Part of me was ticked that she kept pushing for cash after we had bought her food. Part of me felt bad for her and wanted to help more. We didn't.

Then, on the way to work at the restaurant I saw one guy beating up another guy. People were standing around and no one was intervening. I was wondering what my response should be, but fortunately it broke up before I got there.

I am tired of living in such a dark place. I feel like I don't make any difference here at all. Jesus came to be light in the darkness. That's what this season is all about. It's just so hard to know how to do that here.

The day had great parts, too. My kitten is sleeping peacefully on my lap. I enjoyed a game night with friends. I savored hours of solitude, creating beauty.

How do I balance these sharp contrasts that are part of my daily experience? What is my role? Who am I meant to be here? What part do I play? How do I make any difference here??