work

I took this morning for a half day with God. I could tell it was time; it almost surprised me how much I was really looking forward to it. But then as I planned out the rest of my day, I found myself thinking, "I'd better work on my graphic design project in the afternoon, so that I actually get some work done today."

The thought stopped me short. Why doesn't spending the morning with God, studying the Bible and praying count (in my mind) as "work". It is definitely a worthwhile occupation. Not as if I was just wasting time, "blowing" the morning. But I'm afraid I would be seen as lazy or unproductive if that were all I did with the day. I have always thought our "Protestant work ethic" was a positive characteristic, but I am beginning to wonder if achievement and productivity have become gods in themselves, stealing our loyalty as the overriding pursuit of our lives. It definitely shocked me to realize I was seeing time with God as second best; something that needed to be compensated for with increased activity later.

I just keep wondering when did spending time with God come to be seen as a luxury, to be worked into the schedule if there's spare time??? It seems so backwards and upside down!

As it is, it looks like the sum total of my day will be: exercises, kitty play time, 4 hours with God, weekly update written, blog written, supper made, dishes done. It doesn't look like that much, but why isn't it enough? It has been a steady day, not slow and not fast-paced. As such, it has been a good day. I just need to get over my over-achiever guilt.

Boy, this morning was a rough one for exercises. I realized last week that I haven't been using my abs correctly for a lot of the exercises. So, I am trying to remedy that. Ugh. Everything feels so much harder as I concentrate to make sure my core is tight and engaged. But I believe it will be worth it. Sexy abs, here I come!!

I was awfully convicted today by what I read during my quiet time. I have been disturbed from time to time with my quickness to judge. I can be pretty critical and judgmental, especially if people make decisions that I consider "stupid". (Note the complete non-judgmental tone of that statement! Sheesh!) The chapter I read today, however, made me realize I have that harsh, judging spirit simply because I do not recognize the complete fallenness of my own nature. I have never grasped the true depths of my own depravity. I somehow think I'm better.

The truth is, having grown up in a Christian home and accepting Jesus as my savior when I was 5, I have never had one of those moments when I have hit bottom. There have been difficult times, yes. Times of struggle and doubt. But by His grace I have been saved from a lot of heartache and bad choices; pitfalls that I could have easily stumbled into. The challenge is to actually realize that I had nothing to do with my own good fortune. It's all because if His presence in my life.

I don't know. It's one of those weird things. How do I learn this lesson? I don't want to have to commit some awful thing before I can truly grasp my own sinfulness. But that's stupid, isn't it? There are really no "big" and "little" sins. I do plenty of things every day that should make me hang my head in shame. I think just a few days ago I came close to "murdering" someone's reputation. When and how will I finally get it? (Although the idea of "getting it" fills me with dread, because it will be a very crushing, breaking lesson to learn.)

I truly want to be a person of compassion. I want to be a safe place for people to turn to. I am tired of that hard knot of judgment twisting my insides. I need to grasp this humbling truth.